male friendship

[journeym4n]

Heres my situation.

About 4 years ago i went through a depression and my wife got closer to a male friend. i was relaxed and allowed it to manifest because i trusted my wife. Fast forward 3 years i started to get instinctual doubts so i thought id leave a recorder nearby and lone behold i cought them cheating. When challenged she denied intercourse although it was obvious what was going on and she still denies it now.

When it happened we were about to buy our first home. We have kids and i didnt want to throw everything we had worked hard for away so i have tried to forgive her. However this friend is still a big part of our lives. Because of this i am struggling to move on. I do not trust them at all. I have told her how i fell but she just gets defensive.

At least twice a week he will come over and visit, usually while im not there. he had tea with my kids and sometimes picks them up from school. they all like him.

Whenever i ask about plans/times regarding him and my wife all i get from her is "i dont know".

Am i being a fool? chances are she could be telling the truth and it could all be above board but I cant prove either way. I dont want to be a part time dad and i dont want to throw my marriage away but im on ther verge of suicide. Hes been a friend of mine for a long time too and we were once close but now i cant stand the sight of him. I try hard with him but i just keep ending up back hating him.

I want to give her an ultimatum but i expect she will either chose him or if she chooses me she will just resent me.

We are now stuck in an endless negative loop. She does not give me much affection and because of it im miserable. im not getting what i need in terms of affection, so i just drag her down so she doesent like being around me.

I should also point out that this friend also has a long term relationship but they are just staying together for their assets.

What do i do!

If I were you, I'd have got out when I realised they were shagging tbh

I can't advise what I'd do in your current situation beyond, get out. Because I wouldn't be in it.

But, fwiw, I wouldn't give her an ultimatum and I wouldn't let it be her choice.

there are things stopping me from leaving:

• I love her. Shes fun to be around. she still even now has my back and supports me.
• I dont wanna lose my home. She cant afford to take it on and i cant afford to buy her out.

-Stable home for my kids. They all have their own spaces and good relationships with us. their lives are awesome. I dont wanna be the one to spoil it all and live with potential resentment. -I dont want her to be lonely while im at work. I work a standard amount of hours but its mainly evenings/nights. -I have nowhere to go. -Im afraid of being alone. I dont feel strong enough to live with the aftermath.

Personally I would leave but if you're not going to I'd suggest you get some counselling to help you deal with your situation. Good luck

Wtf, you caught them shagging and he still comes over?

Two words dude - Door.mat

Even if they aren't sleeping together and it was one big misunderstanding, she should have either stopped seeing him or only ever seen him when you are with her from then on
(when she found out you were insecure about it).

And lol 'he is only with his partner for their assets' is such bs. You do know that's what he tells your oartner so he can shag her right?

Sorry mate but either grow a backbone and leave or resign yourself to living with q woman who qt best behaves unnapropriateky as fuck abd doesn't give a sshit about you and at worst I shagging someone right under your nose.

She has already chosen him.
Just Get outa there.

This is a painful post to read. Your hurt is palpable.

She is an active cheat. To reconcile there needs to be clear and enforced boundaries (no contact, full disclosure, no lying etc) and remorse. You don’t have either of these.

You don’t have to pack your bags today (or hers), but you do need to start to shore yourself up. Read into affair psychology. Leave a cheat gain a life and not just friends are great starts. Have a look at surviving infidelity and the affair recovery videos.

Seek counselling, I think you can refer yourself to health in mind.

Your trauma has you paralysed with fear. Your false impressions of your wife are keeping you stuck. It’s time to pull off the rose tinted glasses.

I’d consider telling the long term partner if they don’t know as well. Affairs thrive in the dark.

@journeym4n you matter. You are not wallpaper in there lives. You’ve been dehumanised for two long by your former friend and wife. Please start to put yourself first. Find that inner strength.

I know seeing your children 50% of the time is a killer for a family man but you can’t go on like this.

Sending you so much hope for a happier you!

And heads up btw, she probably tells him she only stays with you because you have depression and you need her.

Also, women don't just randomly make and
hang with new male friends in private. Especially when they have partners. It's not done. Not unless you intend to shag them.

We can totally make new guy friends when in relationships, but we would meet them in public or in groups. And if for some reason we wanted to start meeting them one on one, we would likely make sure their or our partner was included the majority of the time. Out of interest, does his partner ever join you all for dinner? Probably not right. Because either she doesn't know your partner exists or he doesn't want them in the same room together.

I dunno how you've found yourself in this situation dude. They've seriously exploited your ollness to right royaly take the piss. They are utter bastards.
You deserve better. Everyone does.

Oh and I'm not saying hanging with a guy friend in private isn't done, I'm just saying hanging with a new guy friend in private when you have a partner isn't done. Not by respectful pepeople anyway.

Mate, you need to get out of this relationship.

The man your wife had/is having an affair with is picking your kids up from school sometimes?! What the actual fuck?

My ex had an affair, which like you I discovered after a prolonged case of mentionitis. Like you I am very devoted to my children and like you we all lived in a great house and the kids had a wonderful life.

The moment my ex refused to cut the affair partner off completely I called an end to the relationship. You would not be the one tearing your kids family apart. She has already done this!

Your children need you. They need you happy and functioning as a parent. They need you to model a decent loving relationship to them.

I had all the same doubts you are having. 3 years later and my children are thriving with the 50/50 arrangement, I'm thriving with my new longterm partner who is so much more than my ex in every possible way. Looking back I don't recognise the person I had been forced to become in the final months of my marriage.

Yes, it's hard not seeing my kids 50% of the time, but the reality is I see them more, as when they are with me, they are with me alone. And more importantly, I am happy and content and this is very evident in my parenting.

For you and your kids sakes, start quietly making plans today to ltb.

You. Deserve. Better.

He has nestled himself right in there hasn’t he. Lunch and picking up the children?! Unfortunately you can’t salvage anything between the two of you unless you both want to, and work towards that. Since she is taking the p* out of you, I’d say you have no choice.

I would suspect the children are better off with you. Surely this setup with your ‘friend’ must be so confusing for them. They will be picking up on the energy between your wife + friend as well as your unhappiness.

Whether she’s lonely or not while you are at work is not one of your problems.

Oh mate this is fucking awful. I totally can see where your coming from.
But every day you let this charade continue, because that's what it's become, a piece of you is dying. You'll end up losing your self respect and who you are completely.
Yes the alternative is bad along with the upheaval of separation but eventually the life on the other side will be worth it.
Your wife has clearly lost all respect and is walking all over you by letting this slimy fucker continue to be in your families life.
She's the one that's very much pushing all the buttons.
You need to find some strength from somewhere and take back some control of the situation. This is the trouble with love and grief, it can paralyse you and takes your all senses away.
Probably getting mad and even would be what I'd be doing now.
Don't let this continue.
Sorry this is happening but don't let them trample all over you.

You have three choices: divorce, open marriage or become a doormat.

At the moment you are stuck in 3. Tell her you are going on dating apps and also looking for a FWB. See what she says.

Or, better for all, especially you, talk to a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling.

She is majorly taking the piss out of you and will continue to do so as long as you let her!!!!

Ok. so a quick update.

At the beginning of June I had a phonecall at silly o clock in the morning from this guy's partner to tell me that she had uncovered definitive proof of an affair.

They had all been on a night out so as soon as my wife and the friend got back i sorted him out and threw them out the door.

I spent the weekend with my kids and then moved out.

I've had a crazy few months but I've met someone who is perfect for me and my kids love her. I look and feel healthier, I'm happier and the icing on the cake is that she's now with this man but she's not happy and neither is he. But they like to pretend.

I've had the happy ending I deserve.

I'd recommend counselling to anyone, though. It saved my life.

I am glad your happy now.

But please if you want relationship advice think twice if you should post here.

I’m so glad to read this! I was just about to comment and suggest counselling and then I saw this was an updated post.
good for you.

What an unexpectedly brilliant update

Well done matey, wish well for the future!

I'm pleased you feel like you're in a better place and that the hardest practicalities are sorted. However, and I try to say this kindly. I'm not sure that your kids loving new partner after three months is a healthy decision.