Family rejection

[faraway3ndconfused]

This is a complicated one but I'm looking for some advice.

When I was growing up my mum was an alcoholic and my dad lived in a different city. I was an only child and when my mum would get drunk she would become very paranoid and resentful towards me for 'stealing her life'. Often this would result in her screaming at me and then calling her family in front of me to describe all the awful (made up) things I had done to her. On a few occasions she would lock me outside overnight. This happened mainly between the ages 6 - 18.

Fast forward to last year, mum seemed to have been doing a lot better and me and my husband found out we were expecting a baby. My husband is on an overseas placement at the moment and as i wanted to have the baby in the UK my mum offered for me to come and stay at hers and then go back to mine and my husbands house after the baby was born. I know it was a naive decision but I was desperate to have the baby in the UK and mum promised me she wasn't drinking anymore so I agreed. Anyway, when I was 39 weeks pregnant she got drunk and began screaming at me and told me she hated me and that I had to leave (she was full of remorse the next day but I was too scared to go back to the house). I went into labour the next day and ended up having to rent an AirBnb to bring the baby back to.

Fast forward to now, her family (brothers, sisters, dad etc...) are very angry with me. After a lifetime of being told I was this horrible, inherently bad person they don't believe that she's got a drinking problem and often contact me telling me I should bring the baby to see her and that I'm making up what happened.

Is there a way of explaining what happened so they can understand and accept she has problems or should I just give up and distance myself from them? I really don't know what to do but the whole thing is so sad.

I assume you've already told them the truth and they just don't believe you? (Or they do believe you but won't admit it).

I would walk away. You don't need people like that in your life. I agree it is sad. But you didn't create this situation. Your DM was and is a poor mother. They are choosing to believe her nonsense. Build your life around your own family, and your friends.

Walk away for the sake you and your own family. Don't give them headspace

Distance yourself further from them.

Get support for your own self, you remain profoundly affected by your mothers alcoholism. re alcoholism you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Al

Al-anon would be worth contacting here as would reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

Anyway, when I was 39 weeks pregnant she got drunk and began screaming at me and told me she hated me and that I had to leave

Would you want her to treat your DC like this? Would you be happy to have them locked out overnight, frightened and alone? Protect yourself and your DC, that's your family now OP. Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws, do you have friends that can support you if you need help? I would be building relationships that could offer you support and demonstrate healthy happy friendships to my DC.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP. Your mum let you down so many times and put you in awful situations. The best thing you can do is ignore the gaslighting from her relatives. Block every one of them if needs be. If they don't believe you that's their problem and they have no right to tell you what to do. You can't allow your child near her, she's dangerous and would no doubt risk putting your child in danger if you ever left them alone together. Build a beautiful life for your husband and daughter away from her, she's failed you on so many levels.

Oh my gosh that was a difficult read. I'm so sorry you had to endure that from your mother, as a defenceless child and more recently when baby almost due. It almost beggars belief some parents can treat their children so badly.

I would suggest you write them a letter setting out everything your Mum did to you when you were a child and more recently and send a copy to each member of your family. Then cut them out of your life. They won't like what they've read, but I bet deep down, they will know you're telling the truth and I think it will carthartic for you. It's a shame, but they are toxic and not worth the bother.

I agree with cutting them all out of your life. Concentrate on the family you have created yourself. The extended family will only cause problems within your own family unit otherwise by pedalling your mums lies. My own extended family are very toxic and I know first hand the damage these sorts of people can do.
I wouldn’t send letters as a pp suggested, it will likely cause bigger problems for you. Move forwards with your own family.

Your family are all in denial and all codependent. It's an utterly toxic way to live and you should go fully no contact with all of them. Please do contact Al-Anon for support for yourself - alcoholics do such damage and you deserve help.