How hands on is your partner with parenting?

[ohlittlemy]

And is it different or the same as you were expecting before you had children?
I wouldn't say my husband is particularly very hands on - I'm usually the one who sorts out our DS meals etc at home when we're both in. A lot of the time he just sort of leaves it to me. He doesn't do nothing but I feel like I'm the one who takes most of the load. Although maybe that's my fault as I am very independent (to a fault 😂)
My husband also works a lot (full time, long days and every other Saturday) so naturally more of it falls on me.
He doesn't really get too involved in some things like thinking of meal ideas, making sure DS is eating healthily, activity/day out ideas, where his clothes etc are in his room (he asks me where things are a lot) but maybe that's more of a mum thing!
How is it divided for you?

He does loads, he’s an equal parent. He’s got two older DC and I saw how he parented them for years before we started ttc. He’s a brilliant dad to all of them.

It must be heartbreaking to see the person you wanted a child with care less about that child and not want to know them as well they could. You only really know them if you pitch in with everything to do with bringing them up. Bonding is in changing nappies and giving them baths as much as playing with them or having days out.

My husband used to not do any of those things until it became clear that I wasn't actually very good at a lot of them, as organisational skills aren't actually handed out with ovaries. Now he does at least 50%. Don't be too competent, would be my advice.

Massively hands-on, if he can see something needs doing, he'll do it. I work from home and he's self-employed working out of the house. Sometimes he'll get home from work and if I'm still busy he'll crack on making dinner for our DC, hoovering etc and I don't need to tell him to. He calls me every day to see if I need him to pick anything up from the shops or sort dinner etc. I sort laundry etc because I'm in the house so he might ask where something is but as a dad he is super hands on.

Mine does loads and is perfectly capable to fill in when I'm not around too.

I could drop down dead tomorrow and he would (on a practical level) carry on.

We have lots of solo downtime, trips away, nights out without the other and whoever is home just cracks on.

@CornishGem1975

Massively hands-on, if he can see something needs doing, he'll do it. I work from home and he's self-employed working out of the house. Sometimes he'll get home from work and if I'm still busy he'll crack on making dinner for our DC, hoovering etc and I don't need to tell him to. He calls me every day to see if I need him to pick anything up from the shops or sort dinner etc. I sort laundry etc because I'm in the house so he might ask where something is but as a dad he is super hands on.

Oh he sounds like a dream! Mine does ask if there's anything that needs picking up but he'd never come home and do that! But maybe it's because he works more than I do. He'd do it if I asked but wouldn't really think to just do it anyway. But on weekends he doesn't really "take the reigns" and cook meals etc. i always end up feeling like I'm having to direct him.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Mine does loads and is perfectly capable to fill in when I'm not around too.

I could drop down dead tomorrow and he would (on a practical level) carry on.

We have lots of solo downtime, trips away, nights out without the other and whoever is home just cracks on.

I don't worry or anything when I'm away and he's with DS. I think he's perfectly capable, but I do sometimes think he'd struggle if he had to do it more (or at least realise how hard work it is!)

Extremely hands-on. More so than me actually because he's not working at the moment. He takes and collects her from school, organises her meals, makes sure she does her homework, plans playdates and takes her to activities. I wash her uniform and put her to bed most nights.

You didn't say how many hours a week you work?

My dh works full time and I work part time. He still does at least 50/50 if not more. This includes physical aspects of parenting and household chores and the mental load. He organises all bills, childcare, extra clubs, ferrying children to said clubs, gets school costumes ready on dress up days, he does most of the washing and cooks 100% of our food, does the food shop and gets any extras through the week, he does the dishwasher 100%, bedtimes, bath time, dealing with behavior, he gets up first to do lunches and sort breakfast for youngest as she rises early, he does all night waking with youngest as I do older one but to be honest younger dc wakes more, he always let's me lie in both weekend days every week and much more.

I'm independent too but it doesn't mean dh can get out of parenting. I really feel for you its a nightmare. I suppose you feel that if you have to delegate its another chore for you. Could you make a list of everything and share it out like a rota until it becomes habit and when dc needs something like dinner just tell dh its now his responsibility.

Some of these replies are quite eye opening! I've found it quite hard work at times and I always just thought there was something about me that made being a mum difficult. I've definitely found my swing with things as DS has got older but there have been times I've really struggled. Before we had DS I thought we'd be on our second child by this time but I just don't feel like I have the energy! Sometimes it gets to the weekend and I almost wish I could just hand him over because I need a break! My mum looks after him one day at the weekend every fortnight (other than that we get no help from family).

I work part time (3 full days a week) and I do the nursery drop offs/pick ups but that's only because the nursery is closer to my work.

When my youngest two were born I was self employed and he was employed so he took parental leave and I went back to work. So he had sole charge of the babies from 5 weeks old (apart from feeding them of course, but he couldn’t really help that bit), and the house etc.

After having the DC and both returning to work, we went back to 50/50, no family help so we had to figure out our own system.

He gets two consecutive days every month to do whatever he wants and please himself only and not have to do housework or childcare and I get the same. Take advantage of your helpful mum doing such a lovely job as Granny and looking after your DC so much - what do you do on your days off?

We have separated but still unfortunately live in the same house currently.

He has always been hands on. Nappies. Bottles. Cleaning sick. Taking them for walks. Making them sandwiches or very basic meals like pasta. He plays with them.

He is rubbish at hygiene standards with them. Omg he let's my daughter dress herself and leaves the house with her looking some right horrors. Never thinks to bath them or shower them

He can't do washing and he's rubbish at tidying. He leaves the house in some right disasters for me.

Unorganised with bedtimes and routine. To relaxed. Gives them food and snacks to shut them up and let's them stay up too late

But he's a great dad and I'd say does alot more than some men.

There is nothing wrong with you op. Bring a parent is relentless and difficult and most parents feel like passing their dc on for the weekend occasionally. We get 0 family help. Not one hour in the whole time my dc have been alive. All childcare is paid for and we can only afford to pay for it when we are actually at work. My dc are disabled if I didn't have dh I'd probably have had a nervous breakdown by now. Even without disabled dc you need a break, you need your partner to step up or you will eventually burn out. I have been a single parent with no help. Its actually worse when you have a second parent there who dosnt pull their weight because that resentment eats away at you making you exhausted.

What exactly does he do?

I’m going to go against the trend and say that if I’m there then not massively whereas if I’m out then he’s completely fine. If I’m in then I often have to ask him to do things and unfortunately the kids often come to me for things because I’m the one home more and who does more. I love my DH but he’s not the hands on dad I imagined him to be

@RantyAunty

What exactly does he do?

Sometimes in a morning on my work days he'll get up with DS and take him downstairs with him for breakfast whilst I get ready. He usually has to leave for work early though so depending on when DS wakes up, sometimes he doesn't have to do this (and sometimes when he does he complains a bit as it's "easier" without having to do that. Meaning he can have breakfast in peace! I wonder what that's like! 🙄) If he's home from work in time he'll do bathtime or bedtime story (we alternate between these). He does more on a weekend. We take it in turns to have a lie in and the other will get up with DS. He'll occasionally cook dinner one night over the weekend. Housework wise he does the washing up, and sometimes helps with cleaning and ironing although it's a bit irregular. I probably don't help myself because it does sometimes seem like an extra chore to have to ask but I know that's what I should do. He's just not the most self motivated or forthcoming sort of person. We're quite opposite in that way!

My mum having him every fortnight really helps but usually I find myself doing housework or little jobs around the house I don't get chance to during the week! I do sometimes make time for myself to just relax though. The time just seems to fly when I have childcare! 😅

When Dd2 was born DH ended up taking a year off work and did most of the childcare in that time.
He's very capable of parenting dd although his French pleat is rubbish😂
I'm a SAHM so do most of the childcare.
He probably does more parenting than housework.

Mine is very hands on. We have three kids aged 2, 4 and 6 though so it's not as if he'd have a lot of choice even if he didn't fancy mucking in!

He took three months shared parental leave when they were each born and works condensed hours so has a day off with them every week. He probably takes the three of them out together a lot more than I do, but I do more housework generally. He's up every night usually with one or other of the kids (so am I, we are not blessed with good sleepers!) and does all their breakfasts most days while I make packed lunches or work or whatever. We both just do things like nappies, teeth brushing and all that as it comes up, nobody has to be asked to pitch in, we both know what needs doing.

My daughter is two and has a raging preference for me though and our middle child has a raging preference for his dad, so we do tend to help the one that asks for us the most! The eldest doesn't care but can do most things for himself now.

I would not live with a man who didn't pull his weight when he was at home, but obviously if he is out working there isn't much he can do about it!