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Relationships

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Original poster

Acting like an old married couple - help!

24 replies

Lisneady · 10/02/2022 12:35

Me and dp have been together nearing 3 years. We arent engaged or married but do have dc. We are both 24.

My problem here is although our relationship technically is so young and we should still be in some form of a honey moon phase we just arent. We have encountered so many issues that a relationship at our stage shouldnt and obvioulsy having dc hasnt helped.

I have addressed this on many occassions now and although dp agrees im not happy with the progess and how slow the changes are.

We dont have sex, and when we do ( once every 2/3 months) its a quickie and nothing more. Ive explained to dp i need more love and affection and want sex to be less one sided and focused on me too. Again he agrees but yet again its being nearing a month no sex and the sex we did have was the same old quickie and done. Its depressing.

I said i want to go out more as a couple and since then we have been on one date (instigated by me). It was nice but its not enough. Im tired of it always being me initiating anything when it comes to our relationship. When i point this out dp may put in effort for a couple of weeks until he resorts back to being lazy.

We dont kiss or hold hands. I keep bringing this to his attention and he is so blase about it.

My point is yes i could happily live without all these things. Having dc and crappy selfish sex has put me off it, i was never a big fan of affection so i could easily go without being kissed ect but i feel like i shouldnt. I feel like giving up on these things at our age especially is not only giving up on our relationship but our youth. Im frustrated that im always the one bringing up and working on our sex life when dp is the only one that gets something out of it!

All my friends my age are still enjoying the thrills of love, the excitment. That has all been completely sapped from me and it makes me question if i even love my dp anymore and if he even loves me or if we are just together just "because".

Its all just so sad and defeating

Please help suggestions are more than welcome.

OP posts:

Bunty55 · 10/02/2022 12:37

You are 24 and don't have sex? I think you need to be branching out !

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2022 12:39

You are only 24, no wonder you feel like this!

Given that you've tried to improve things and he hasn't, I can only assume he is happy with the status quo or too lazy/indifferent to do anything about it.

So you either stay, knowing this is how it is, or you ask him to leave

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/02/2022 12:40

Nothing is changing because he is happy as he is.
Free yourself to have the love, excitement and shags you want.

layladomino · 10/02/2022 12:41

I feel for you Op. You are WAY too young to be living without affection and intimacy. I am part of an 'old married couple' and we're really affectionate and very much enjoy that side of things. In a loving relationship they are important, and natural, and make you both feel closer and happier.

It sounds as though he just doesn't see you that way. He's treating you like a housemate or a friend (perhaps a friend who does the housework and childcare and cooks his meals - or maybe I'm being unfair there).

Whatever, I wouldn't stick around as this isn't going to get better is it. You have most of your life ahead of you. Imagine being with someone who makes you feel important, cherished, wanted. Someone who is proud you're their OH, and loves spending time with you. You've told him it bothers you. It doesn't bother him. Or he's too lazy to do anything about it. He's showing you that, although he knows you're unhappy, he doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

It could be that he just isn't feeling it the same as you are. It could be you've grown apart or you just aren't that compatible as a couple. Whatever the reason, don't put up with feeling unwanted for the rest of your life.

Original poster

Lisneady · 10/02/2022 12:42

@Bunty55 trust me i have fantasized about it many times and have even told my dp i have considered cheating (i would nevet i just wanted him to understand how desperate i was). I dont feel thats it fair at all that im just expected by everyone (his parents and mine) to live this half life because we have children.

OP posts:

Donkeyinamanger · 10/02/2022 12:46

You don't sound like an old married couple. You sound like a couple where only one of you is prepared to put any effort into the relationship. I don't think this a problem that you can fix.

FilledSoda · 10/02/2022 12:46

I'm half of 'an old married couple ' and our relationship isn't like that at all !
You're so young, if I were you I'd be making the break . It really shouldn't be as you describe . You get one life .

Bunty55 · 10/02/2022 12:50

I missed the bit where you say you have children. You are so young to be living such a joyless life OP. Do you love him?

Masterchief507 · 10/02/2022 12:52

I also agree that with others. I'm middle aged, been with DH 20 years. We have primary aged kids. We have regular sex. We are still affectionate and intimate. Dates without the DC have been rare thanks to Covid, but we still make the effort when we can.

You both sound like a couple who had an unexpected pregnancy and stuck together for the sake of your DC. From the experiences I've seen with friends who have done similar you can't fix it. It will end sooner or later.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2022 12:57

Yeah to be fair all the "old married couples" I know actually enjoy being together and are still affectionate towards each other and care about time together.

picklemewalnuts · 10/02/2022 13:00

You need to call time. Don't accept his promise to try again- it can't reestablish the excitement you should still have. You find him boring, and he's content with that (at least for the moment).

You have a very long life ahead of you, you need to find some fun and happiness. I was you many (30) years ago. I probably should have jumped ship but I didn't. It's been a long marriage!

TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 13:01

You're basically saying 'I'm in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship with a partner who won't do anything to improve things. What should I do?'

In a word, leave.

ShowOfHands · 10/02/2022 13:07

I married at 23 and quickly had children. Yes it curtails things, sex was less frequent for a while and being spontaneous in terms of going out and enjoying ourselves was obviously impossible. But we navigated it together with clear communication and an effort to make it as good as it could be.

We probably are an old married couple after 23yrs together but we have a healthy and fulfilling relationship based on communication. And now the children are older, we go out and enjoy ourselves far more. But we had to want to work towards having more freedom together. It wasn't one partner chasing the other for fulfillment.

You have two children and a desire to fix things so I'd pursue counselling. If he won't commit to this and genuinely change or admit the issues, you have your answer.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 10/02/2022 13:10

I'm so sorry OP, but I think the relationship is pretty much over. It doesnt matter what your age is - the relationship has just changed over time and become non-affectionate and virtually sexless. Sadly this happens sometimes.
You could try couples counselling. Maybe sex therapy. But it may be that your OH has checked out of the relationship. Good luck OP. (I had a long-term relationship at your age and the same thing happened. We didnt have children but the breakup was sad and painful, but really the best thing i ever did. You have many years ahead of you, you deserve to be happy, even if that means being single.)

Original poster

Lisneady · 10/02/2022 13:30

Its so frustrating because i told him if this continues he will lose me. Ive told him this time and time again and he says he doesnt want that to happen by my god he cant be bothered to do anything about it.

He says he is lazy

But i think even the laziest of people would get themselves together if they truely didnt want to lose someone. Which makes me believe he is with me for the dc.

Is that really all this is? Are we just in it for the children. We have a lovely holiday booked for our anniversary and i really thought he was going to propose.

But i cant stick around waiting for him when he can be bothered to put in effort. I was in a horrific accident not to long ago and ive realised life is too short to wait.

I dont even know why im trying so hard anymore

My gosh this is ruining me

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 14:06

Its so frustrating because i told him if this continues he will lose me. Ive told him this time and time again

He doesn't care, then, does he. Stop trying to pick apart the 'whys' and what's making him behave like this, and what's really going on: He can't be bothered to give you what you want. Whatever's behind it, that's all that matters. You could keep telling him for years, and they'd all be years wasted. Years of your life. Don't talk: act.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2022 14:09

Youve repeatedly told him that he would lose you yet you’re still there with him. You cannot rescue or saved what is really a relationship that is really over here on your own.

Staying for seemingly the sake of the kids here is a bad idea and teaches them also crap lessons about relationships. They also will not say thanks mum to you for doing that to them.

Do not do your bit here to further continue to teach your children such rubbish lessons about relationships. This is no relationship model to be showing them. Make the break.

RantyAunty · 10/02/2022 14:29

You're 24 and have your entire life ahead of you.
Why waste it on someone so checked out, dull, and boring?

You've told him several times you've had enough and he's going to lose you. He hasn't improved anything and probably thinks you won't really leave.

Don't you think it's time to end this?

shouldhavewouldhave · 10/02/2022 14:33

Please don't think a wedding/marriage will fix this!

Sounds like it's over, you just need to get head around this then it's simple - you finish it.

You are very young and you're in a shot relationship with a boring man, just end it.

Wallywobbles · 10/02/2022 14:52

We are in our 50s. We'd be deeply unhappy if sex was that rare. You'll be sexually frustrate for another 60 years.

Mumof3confused · 10/02/2022 14:53

Is he depressed?

SunflowerTed · 10/02/2022 14:56

@Lisneady

He says he is lazy

But i think even the laziest of people would get themselves together if they truely didnt want to lose someone. Which makes me believe he is with me for the dc.

Is that really all this is? Are we just in it for the children. We have a lovely holiday booked for our anniversary and i really thought he was going to propose.

But i cant stick around waiting for him when he can be bothered to put in effort. I was in a horrific accident not to long ago and ive realised life is too short to wait.

I dont even know why im trying so hard anymore

My gosh this is ruining me

Please DO NOT marry him. That is the worst thing you can do. You need to split up and co-parent your child. You are only 24 - you can have a whole, loving new life with someone who really wants to make you happy.

Whatdramain2022 · 10/02/2022 15:03

That's not a description of an old married couple. I'm half one one and we are still very much in love and are so affectionate. We never get bored with one another.

He's bored, you're bored. The relationship is going nowhere. It's only a matter of time before you both realise that you'd be happier finding someone to really love you.

macshoto · 10/02/2022 15:12

At 24 you shouldn't really be having these challenges.

If you want to persist with him, and think he does want the relationship to last, a couple of suggestions that may help:

If he reads, consider getting him a copy of "The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld. It's aimed at a slightly older audience, but is nonetheless educational. I wish I had read it 20 years ago.

Read up on "Sensate Focus" and consider trying working through a programme of those sessions as a way to get him to focus on touch and sensation for both of you rather than an (occasional) outcome for him.

See if he's up for some sessions with a psycho-sexual counsellor - either alone, or as a couple. He may need help to articulate what the block is, and to navigate to a better place for your relationship.

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