Selfish friend

[namechanger121212]

So I have been friends with this friend for quite some time. She is the kind of person that likes a moan and I listen to her problems alot.

I recently had a problem regarding my daughter and told her about it, by text, she replied by text. She usually calls me nearly every day and after I told her about my problem which was very upsetting she then didn't call me or contact me until 3 days later. That was fine by me as I was busy.

However thinking about it when she has problems which are much smaller than the issue I was dealing with she is on the phone alot crying and looking for support. As we normally text or call every day I feel it might be abit odd that she just didn't bother to send a text.

I often feel like she 'downloads' her problems on me and talks in detail about what is going on with her. For example if someone asks how i am i usually say yes I'm good how about you, then during the conversation if there is anything going on that isn't great I tell them, but naturally during the conversation, I try not to overload people with my problems.

If I ask this friend how is she is at the start of the conversation she will start talking about things that are usually miserable like I didn't sleep well or this happened or that happened.

Even if there is not an issue she will just talk in length about her stuff for example, well I got up this morning, had a shower, made this for breakfast, done some washing, went shopping.... OK great I didn't need a full inventory of your day.

I am interested in what my friends get upto it's not that, but the way she tells me seems just like she is downloading on to me and not a conversation as such.

Also a few years ago I was having a terrible time as I lost someone close to me and she called me up around that time crying about something that was not major atall and I just feel like she is self absorbed and selfish. I just feel like it is not a very balanced friendship as it's alot about her.

I am generally a friendly and happy person, I do have problems like everyone else but I don't like to burden other people with them and make everything miserable and bring the atmosphere down. I just feel like this friend is quite draining.

Not sure why I'm writing this, I thought maybe see what others think of the situation as it is annoying me right now.

Sounds like a friend I had who is now an acquaintance due to this crap. It sucked the life out of me. I don’t answer her calls now and reduced my replies.

I think some people are just quite self-centred and your friend is one of them. It's selfish and loses them friends in the end.

I had a friend who could make anything about her. I don't know if it was conscious or sub-conscious, but it was like she needed to have the attention on her and her problems / achievements / whatever.

Sometimes I could overlook it and see her good characteristics (and there were some) but sometimes it really grated. Other people commented on it too.

I'd suggest withdrawing a bit. You don't have to have a huge fall out. Just be less available (a daily call seems very intense). Be unavailable when she calls sometimes - or tell her you're going to be busy for a few days / you've got a lot on and won't have time to chat. This saves you from being overwhelmed with her 'problems' whilst also showing her that you also have a life, and other things to worry about than her.

Does she live on her own, OP? I find people who give you a lot of detail are often on their own.

Dysfunctional friendship dynamic. Now that you’ve noticed, there’s not much going back. She probably calls you all the time because nobody else will put up with her doing this.
I’ve had similar and had to back off from that friend despite them being nice person. It drags you down. Or you could say, “gosh here we are moaning on about life, we should try to be more positive” and hope she gets the hint?

Are they just negative in general? You aren’t their private therapist. My friend used to send me screenshots of catastrophes from world news saying oh my god and 😱 or if it was a 1% chance of snow she’d be calling and leaving voicemails saying it’s going to be dangerous! It was just unbearable. Anyway rant over, I feel bad but yours just soothing someone instead of them acting like an adult.

@layladomino yes I have already thought I need to stop taking the calls and be 'busy'

@Orgasmagorical we are both single parents with children, and yes I know that is why she gives so much detail, but it is draining.
Conversations can be like:
I set my alarm for 7am but i was so tired I didn't sleep well I actually didn't get up until 7.45, then advises of her food and washing etc in long detail. As I said I really do like hearing what other people have to say but she explains very mundane things to me in long detail which is not important.

Like before she told me how she does her washing at this time so she can hang it on the line at this time and it will be done by this time, in that one conversation she explained that twice!!!! I talk quickly and I am not slow in getting things so I don't need to hear about her washing twice in such detail....

I do feel like it is dragging me down, as I said I am quite upbeat generally even if i have crap going on, but her constantly downloading on me is bothering me. I can deal with it better if I don't have any problems but if i do it highlights to me that she really isn't bothered about me problems or how I am doing

If you don't feel like talking to her, don't pick up the phone.

@Lickinglemonsinloughborough I think more than being negative she is just moany, she has a moany voice and she isn't very high tempo if that makes sense.

Your friend sounds like the grim reaper only giving bad news

I had a friend like this. It hurts when you support them and they give no support back. It’s like they fear having to give time and energy to your problem so aren’t even willing to acknowledge when you tell them something. I withdrew with this friend. Every so often they text me and tell me how much they miss me. I just think “yeah you miss me listening to your tedious crap”. I am still cordial with them but don’t go out of my way. They say they want to see me but don’t actually take the next step of organising something. I know they really want me to invite them round or organise something, but I know better now and that’s not going to happen!

You could be writing about my colleague! She is always full of the woe is mes and constantly talking about herself, her achievements, her problems etc etc. Can't ever get a word in edgeways.
My Husband advised to be less available so I've taken his advice and now I'm a lot happier

Just say you need a poo.

Friends come in all different ways. I've got a friend who I'm balanced with. Never got anything bad to say about her. She's loyal. Caring. Equal. Then I have a friend I've had ups and downs with over the last 14 years. She is very me me me at times. Takes more than she when gives and everything needs to be done around her. She sulks if my kids get ill and we end up cancelling plans. I stay in touch because she's got nice parts and we can have a laugh. But if she gets too much I pull back.