His ex...how to stop worrying

[Hawaii33]

My boyfriends ex dumped him..After almost 9 years they were in a rut. One of them was always working away. But they also had very different social lives. One was always out and with friends and going away. The other wanted one on one time and felt alone. The lonely one eventually got down. They both were big drinkers but my partner got in a terrible place with it. He originally said it was a mutual split. But just 3 weeks ago he said she yelled at him it was over and went off on her holiday.

It took him 8 months to move out. Then after he did move out for several months she would drop their shared dog around on her way to work. Call in for coffee. They fell into a friendship type thing. My boyfriend at this stage was still wanting to sort things and was telling friends and family he still wanted her back. But for whatever reason they didn't sort it. He tried to commit suicide. Whilst in hospital (18 months after the original split) she went to his house cleaned it. Collected him from the hospital and brought him back. He was sober at this point. Over the next 3 months he began working. He met me. We started as friends and spent 9 months building up. We talked alot..wanted a relationship but approached it all slowly. The ex stopped going around but she was still keeping in touch.

It was hard hearing about her. He seemed to be mentioning her too much but never suggested any desire to rekindle. He said they didn't want the same things and it would never work between them.

As soon as we got into a proper relationship she started to get posessive. This was 2 and a half years after they split. We were sat eating a meal one night and she sent him a How's you message. This was followed up by her questioning him on me. He showed me all the messages. She said a diggy comment about me and it caused him to put her in her place. He told her that I was important to him and he wouldn't allow anyone including her to disrespect me.

I asked why he was remaining in this friendship with her. He said he feels guilty for what he put her through and she did alot for him when he was ill and he will always be grateful to her. He has always been clear he'd never go back to her and he'd not even want to spend time with her as she would drive him mad. He said she's a lovely person but he just doesn't like the way she is to an extent and said they are too different people.

Its made me feel rubbish and insecure at times. But he's stuck to his guns. He doesn't appear to ever message her first. He said 2 weeks ago they rarely even text now and it's just a How's you if she does message. But last week he told me she has never shown signs she's wanted him back until he was sober a year and we got together. He said I never said anything to her but I was getting the feeling she was trying to hint at wanting them to try again.

I bring her up alot and we've had a few bickers over her. I'm always waiting and fearing her getting in touch with him and still fear she could get him thinking of the past again.

I know he won't completely cut her off because she helped him get better. But I just need to find a way to feel happy and confident that it's me now and he wants this with me.

How do I stop feeling she's a threat?

...because she's just some random from 9 years ago lol.

Assuming it isn't him texting himself and trying to fuck with your head? (Narcissistic triangulation). Does he display any other red flag behaviour? Has he ever given you suspicion to think he would cheat?

If not, just tell him just never to speak to you about her again as you think he is being a tit, but it's his circus and his monkeys.

Actually...thinking on it, the but where he mentioned her saying she wanted to try again....I'm pretty sure he is triangulation you op.

If he had any decency he would probably have cut contact with her after that.

Either tell him you don't want to gear about her anymore. Or just straight up kick him out. Or the former, but then the later if he shows he cant stop yacking about her.

Is she with anyone now? How old are you both?

My instinct is his drinking caused the breakup and following his breakdown she seemed incredibly kind to him. That reflects really well on her and he shouldn't need to cut her off totally but they might need have "closure" to confirm that they are just friends now and will need get bsck together.. What was the message that made you feel uncomfortable? Does she know you personally?

If he wanted to go off with his ex then he would have done by now

He’s with you

Sounds like he has decent boundaries in place that are respectful of you.

He's grateful to her for what she did, so he's not going to cut her out of his life. He doesn't like her enough to initiate contact, but he'll communicate if she does. He'll tell her off if she makes a dig about you. All seems fairly normal?

What do you both want out of life (that is so vastly different to what hr wanted with his ex partner of 9 years).

Always baffles me when people say "we were so different".... So why did he stay in that relationship for 9 years if they were so different.

Is he someone who struggles to be alone?

His drinking caused the breakup to an extent. She also drinks every evening. Her family were all massive drinkers and their family holidays were all about drink and being drunk from the flight until they came back. The only difference is it became poison to him. I think she wanted him to be in control of the drink so he was like her and just drinking and it not having a hold. But she never wanted children and so was focused on travel and holidays. She would book several holidays each year he said with friends. So they were never making plans together in the last few years. He said he wanted to pay for them to go for a UK holiday and told her to book it as he's rubbish at computers. She told him she had booked benidorm with a friend and that they didn't want the same holidays. So they just don't seem compatible.

Me and him are alot more similar in we like days out or getaways. But we do it together and we both equally enjoy days at home together. We are both similar socially. I think they just had very different personalities and it worked for a few years and then they clashed alot.

I've had the conversation with him about closure and whether they've ever had a full heart to heart since he got sober. He was very much I wouldn't want that. I don't want her. I know what I want and its not her. But he seems to still feel some sort of bond with her and I guess we are only just starting. So it feels she still has all big memories and stuff. Ofcourse I expect him to have a past as I do too. But because she seems to be able to poke him whenever she wants and he manages her still I do feel she's abit of a threat.

Yes I saw the messages. When he told her I make him happy and have done alot for him she responded with a reference to me being superwoman. Childish but obviously her emotions are still not over him.

He's 46 and shes 37.

She's not with anyone as far as I know but she certainly speaks to men and could be casually dating but I'm not sure. She's still got all my boyfriends photos open on her profile and there's been no other men in her profile pictures for 3 years. So he's still her last love as much as I can see.

If you've told him how this makes you feel, and he chooses to carry on rather than amend his behaviour, that demonstrates that his priority is to keep on with this ex who fancies him, rather than to focus on making sure you, his current partner, feel.

Rather than trying to stop yourself feeling your feelings, I'd be listening to and respecting them. What are they telling you? 'You are uncomfortable', 'This situation crosses your boundaries'. Ignore at your peril. Your feelings aren't for supressing: they are signposts that point you away from a life that doesn't suit you and towards a life that does.

Absolutely. I think I'm struggling to see if I'm creating things in my mind. If I'm focusing too much on her. Am I being unfair because its his circumstances. His family are not local and he has a very small family and no relationship with his dad. So when he got bad even though they were over he needed her support. I try to take it all on board.

I believe she will drop completely away when she finds someone else if she's looking. I think when she moves on she will expect to be left alone.

He has done and said as much as he possibly can I guess to reassure me and I'm sort of trying to work out what I really feel and fear in this situation.

Even if you are creating things in your mind, this relationship is triggering this. You can't just decide not to have your emotional responses because you think they're a bad idea. If we could control our feelings like that, the world would be a completely different place. Everybody would decide to hate fattening food, and to love someone who was a great idea for a relationship.

Your feelings are there for a reason. They're not something that gets in the way of you having a happy life, they are you having a happy life (or unhappy) Your feelings are all that matter.

I got told to stop trying to change my feelings to fit my people, and change my people to fit my feelings. It's life changing. If someone doesn't make you feel good, and prioritise you feeling good, keep your distance from them. Spend time with people who listen to how you feel, and are interested in working out a compromise that helps you feel better.

You know far too much about their relationship, their breakup, their drinking, their friendship, their contact, their this, their that. It sounds like their relationship and her life is the main focus of your relationship. Not only is he still enmeshed, you are too.

Are you his gf or his relationship counsellor? He has told you far far too much about them! "Long term, split up badly, trying to be mates" was all that was needed. And you're analysing like it's a research project- why they broke up, how they weren't compatible, why they're still in contact, who contacts whom first. Dear god, when do you have time to think of anything else? Is he really worth the amount of headspace and angst that seems to be taken up by her?

Will you ever get to the stage that you can accept she is always going to be 'poking' into your relationship and he is always going to let her? What ever he says, there are 3 people in this relationship and that is somehow fulfilling some need for him, while crushing you.

It's always difficult when a new partner has a friendship with an ex who then becomes jealous or possessive over them when they weren't interested previously.

It'll pass. He's been clear it's you he wants, he doesn't initiate contact and has made clear to the ex where his priorities lie.
But equally you don't have a right to dictate to him about how he communicates with her.

I'd try not to get into bickering fights with him about her otherwise he'll shut down and not be open about his communication with her.

Concentrate on building your relationship with him. She's history and in time she'll get bored or meet someone else. Don't let some ex who he's never going to get back with destroy your relationship.

I've been in your position, did the above and the ex faded away and my relationship with someone I was, and am still, madly in love with - is still going strong after 15 years.