I actually just posted this in AIBU, and then it occurred to me that it might be more appropriate to post it here and get some opinions from people who don’t necessarily frequent that particular bear pit 
I’m so sorry, it’s a long one. But I could do with some outside perspective if anybody can be arsed to read it!
My DM and I have a rocky relationship, which I’ve posted about on here several times in recent years. She makes me extremely stressed and tense, manages to centre herself in everything and expects me to do the same, loves to criticise me etc. She suffers from anxiety depression which basically runs her life- and I get how hard that is, I’ve had serious struggles with depression in the past, but unlike her I worked really hard to crawl out of that pit, whereas she’s made it part of her identity, and treats it as a get out jail free card every time she fucks up or doesn’t want to do something.
My brother has been NC with her for roughly 19 years now which is a big part of why I haven’t- not having him and his children in her life has been very painful for her and I have felt a huge responsibility to try and make up for that somehow. Still, I generally see her as infrequently as I can get away with and took a break from her for a short while last year after she sent me a message in the middle of the night (something she has form for) criticising my parenting. I saw her at Christmas, when she wasted no time at all (literally, within minutes) making comments about my weight two weeks after I’d given birth. It upset me but I didn’t make a thing of it.
This though, may well end up being the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
We (DH, DC and I) went to visit her last week. We took her out to lunch, I set up an Amazon echo thing that I’d got her, was an alright day. She has these two matchbox cars that DS1 likes to play with and at some point in the course of the day one of them ended up in my handbag and I found it the next day.
Then on Friday evening last week, out of nowhere, I got this message -
You’ve really hurt me! You’ve taken my cards I so loved, both my little boys together on my dresser. You could have at least asked me!
And the little car was a joke and a present from [friend].
What’s the matter with you? Is everything that’s mine, yours too, if you fancy it?
I thought you had changed, you’ve got everything you ever wanted.
Just tell me, have I got to search for other things, you may have stolen???
I was honestly baffled when I read this, so simply responded with “What??” to which she replied -
Oh God, don’t try that. An old trick of yours. It’s not worked for years!!!
Now at this point, I assumed that cards was a typo for cars and that she couldn’t find the other toy car and was assuming I’d pinched it. So I answered -
No idea about the other car, I don’t have it. Maybe it’s under your coffee table. I really don’t know how the broken car ended up in my bag and that’s the truth, we’re certainly not so hard up for toys that I’d just steal it from you and lie about it.
Toddlers grab things. You know this, and you keep all that stuff where [DS1] can reach it when we come round anyway.
But don’t worry, we just won’t bring the boys to yours again if the result is going to be them grabbing things they shouldn’t and then you accusing me of theft. Problem solved!
And her answer was -
I was asking about my cards! I know the other car is still here, neatly parked where [DS1] left it. But of course you have tried to dodge the issue, even blaming [DS1]. It’s MY cards, and you know it, and you always throw in a threat!! Not nice Angelo but so you!!!
I don’t care what [DS1] touches, never have, nothing is as precious as him.
But of course you have to twist things to suit yourself!!
By this point I really was lost and had no idea what cards she was talking about, and told her as much. It turned out the missing items that I allegedly purloined were… Christmas cards. From me and the DC.
So I eventually sent this message -
You know what, it doesn’t even matter what cards you’re on about.
I brought my family to come and see you for the day even though I’m bloody exhausted and just wanted to spend the day relaxing at home. I brought you an Alexa that I got for you thinking it would be something that would make your life easier and set it up for you. We had a lovely day together. Or so I thought.
A few days later, you can’t find something and the assumption you leap to is that I’ve stolen it?? And of all things- bloody Christmas cards?? And you send me a shitty message calling me a thief and a liar?! Of course I haven’t stolen your Christmas cards! Why on earth would I? What value would they have to me?
I’m done. I am absolutely done. I’ve spent tonight being snappy at my husband and impatient with my 8 week old baby because I’ve been distracted and pissed off by your accusations. It’s not fair on them, and it’s not fair on me. You’re my mother and I love you, and god knows I’ve tried really hard to make up for the pain that [brother] and his children’s absence from your life has caused you, but I’m no longer prepared to take whatever crap you feel like throwing at me just because it’s you that it’s coming from. At some point I have to put myself first and this is not good for me.
And when you find the cards, which you most likely will because I certainly haven’t taken them, I want you to go back and read those messages you sent me and try to imagine how they made me feel.
And I meant it.
She answered almost straight away -
I know exactly how you must be feeling. And I’ve been sitting here for hours, trying to find a way to apologise to you.
In my mental state, things get exaggerated!! Even if you had taken them, I could easily have found a way of turning it into a joke.
Your last text just pipped mine. I wanted to throw myself on my sword. I don’t blame you if you ban me from your life, I deserve nothing less.
My only pathetic excuse, I’ve been building up a lot of unhappiness, especially since Christmas, and I too have been trying to protect myself, but I get it wrong all the time and just hide within my self.
I’m so very sorry, if you can’t forgive me, I will totally understand. I love you so much, I can’t believe I’ve been so cruel!!! Try to remember some of the times I’ve been a good and loving mother, and maybe find a way to forgive me!!
God knows, right now I can’t forgive myself, although I know I’m not well, mentally or physically!
What frightens me, is the possibility that I moved the cards, but when, or why, I just don’t know ……. xxx
I didn’t answer, and half a day or so later got another message simply saying
Bye bye 👋🏼
xxx
Which I also ignored. Because I’m fucking done with being emotionally manipulated.
Predictably, once she stopped hearing from me she started hassling DH, asking if I was ok, asking if I’d read her messages, asking if I’d blocked her, asking after the DC etc etc.
Then last night, I got another message… the mystery of the “stolen” cards has been solved: it was the cleaner wot dun it. Thats right, the woman she pays to put stuff away, put stuff away. In a drawer, apparently. I guess she figured they didn’t need to be on display anymore, it being February and all, and didn’t mention to my mum that she’d done it.
I was tempted to reply with “I don’t care.”. Because I don’t. I just don’t need this kind of shit in my life. I’ve let the FOG rule me for far too long, feeling a responsibility to be in her life because my brother isn’t, and because I know she loves my DC. But being around her is not good for me. On top of that I’ve got 2yo DS1 (currently waiting to be assessed for autism) and 2mo DS2 (screamiest baby ever) playing good cop bad cop all day long, so I’m already utterly exhausted and emotionally spent.
Today, a bunch of flowers arrived with a card that simply says “Sorry”.
I just don’t fucking care. I don’t care about her bullshit apology messages, I don’t care about her bullshit apology flowers, I don’t care about the completely logical location of the damn Christmas cards. I’m tired of being her emotional babysitter-slash-punchbag. She may claim to be unable to control her fucking ridiculous, nonsensical, knee-jerk reactions but I am in control of how I allow people to treat me and stay in my life, and I certainly wouldn’t let anyone else stick around if they did something like this- but she has this belief, long-held and frequently demonstrated, that being my mother means she should have some special dispensation to do or say whatever she likes and I just have to suck it up.
AIBU to have reached my limit?