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Relationships

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Original poster

When to move on after a break up?

12 replies

Canadadarlingg · 09/02/2022 22:00

I broke up with my fiancé 2 weeks ago, we had been together for 2.5 years and didn't have a massive fall out but it just wasn't working. In my mind I think I always knew that it wouldn't work in the long run as we were so different, but I kept holding on to hope that it would change. Anyway, so now we have been broken up officially for 2 weeks and I've found myself chatting to someone I met a few days ago, nothing serious or flirty we've just had casual friendly conversations and I'm definitely not looking for a new relationship anytime soon, but I still feel guilty that I'm enjoying talking to this person. It feels disrespectful to be enjoying someone else's company even though nothing romantic will come of it. So I'm just wondering how long should you wait before casually dating again and when do you stop feeling guilty? No hate please I just want advice

OP posts:

Needtomoveon21 · 09/02/2022 23:15

I similarly had a 3 year relationship end in August which just faded out as we were at different places and very amicable. Because the feelings had faded over time I did download tinder out of curiosity once he had moved out and started casually dating. So I think the time is right when you feel it and there isn’t a “right” time x

Musttryharder2021 · 10/02/2022 09:59

Why do a lot of people constantly need someone in their life...someone to occupy their thoughts...even if it's just "out of curiosity"

TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 10:30

Who do you think makes the rules about what you 'should' do? Do you think there's something we know that you don't about how these things 'ought' to be done?

We don't. Your feelings are the rules regarding what you do. Follow your feelings. So, if it feels a bit crap because it seems disrespectful, pull back; you will feel 'all go' if the person/situation is right for you.

There's no right or wrong.

'when do you stop feeling guilty'

Nobody can give you the answer to this. You will stop feeling guilty in your own specific amount of time. A week is fine. A year is fine. Everybody will be different.

TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 10:32

@Musttryharder2021

Why do a lot of people constantly need someone in their life...someone to occupy their thoughts...even if it's just "out of curiosity"

Because they don't understand that they need to be responsible for their own emotional wellbeing, and so always look to others to fill the gap.

Hawaii33 · 10/02/2022 10:50

If you know you are done with the ex and there's no going back and this guys naturally come along, why not? But don't rush. You need to let any emotional pain die down. There is nothing worse than being the new person and there is an ex hanging around with unfinished business.its damaging for all involved.

RedCandyApple · 10/02/2022 11:51

I do find it interesting how quickly some people move on, two weeks is very quick imo and I wouldn’t even consider meeting someone so quick but I guess everyone’s different

Original poster

Canadadarlingg · 10/02/2022 15:37

@Musttryharder2021

Why do a lot of people constantly need someone in their life...someone to occupy their thoughts...even if it's just "out of curiosity"

Why do people like you need to comment on these types of posts? I clearly said I don't want any hate, just advice. And I'm not looking to fill a void thank you very much but I would like to go out and meet new people in this new chapter of my life.

OP posts:

sassbott · 10/02/2022 17:39

I would like to go out and meet new people in this new chapter of my life.

Then do that. You’re the one who’s feeling guilty about doing this 2 weeks later, not us. That’s for you to figure out and resolve. If you want to go out and meet people, do. If you then feel guilty, what is it you would have us say? Don’t do it? Clearly you have unresolved issues that you’d be better addressing? Or fill yer boots?

You feel guilty, so either stop and figure out why. Or keep meeting people and feeling guilty? Those are your choices from where I’m sat and based on your second post.

sassbott · 10/02/2022 17:40

And whilst you may not like the tone of the post that you’ve quoted, there is a point in there. An engagement is not an insignificant commitment. Why are you in such a rush? It’s a valid question.

j712adrian · 10/02/2022 18:00

@Musttryharder2021

Why do a lot of people constantly need someone in their life...someone to occupy their thoughts...even if it's just "out of curiosity"

Because people are different. Thank goodness.

DatingDinosaur · 10/02/2022 22:25

What is making you feel guilty? That you’re chatting to someone else so soon after a LTR ended? That you think you might be leading your new friend on?

When I split up from a Significant Other I think I took about 6 months before I felt ready to date again.

Or so I thought. Went out on a few coffee dates but my heart just wasn’t in it still. Nothing wrong with the guys, I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. It was weird really – I didn’t want to get back with my ex (which is what made me think I was ready to date again) but when it came to it, I realised I wasn’t ready and apparently just wanted to hang around in limbo a bit longer. I enjoyed male attention but kept them all at arm’s length.

When I started noticing and fancying men again and even hoping I’d bump in to this one particular chap in the supermarket again.. I never did bump into him again… but that’s when I realised I was ready to date again.

I guess, if you feel ready to date again, then do it. If you only think you should be dating again because other people are telling you to get back in the saddle, then listen to your inner voice. Everyone works through relationship break ups in different ways so you have to go with what feels right for you in the end. If chatting to this new man is what you need right now then just enjoy that for what it is.

Anthurium · 11/02/2022 03:37

A slightly different take on your situation @Canadadarlingg

I think a lot of the desire to date again comes from wanting to 'escalating' a relationship, to follow a social script so in most people's cases to get in with (women)/date/cohabit/marriage/children.

I've noticed a significant shift in my approach to dating/relationships post having a child (I'm a single mother by choice IVF with a sperm donor). What I've noticed about myself is that now that my son is here, I'm really no longer interested in pursuing a relationship (in the traditional sense). I had my son late (late 30s), and everything beforehand (all the relentless dating/relationships including a marriage) were actually about having this nebulous child, and not wanting to miss out on the motherhood experience. I don't know how much of it was just hormone-driven or whether I actually ever genuinely intended to settle down with someone to do this with... I'm currently 'seeing' an old friend, and without the usual 'relationship escalator' pressures to think about, I'm really taking my time and enjoying the here and the now. The affection and attention and having fun with each other! Of course, I still have to think about who I introduce to my son etc., but I'm really not bogged down with 'where is this going' narrative. it's very liberating.

Dating again (whether so soon or not) could help you explore your true wants and needs. Do you still want some of the life's milestones or do you want your life to look differently in a new relationship potentially?

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