What are the signs of healing after an abusive relationship?

[healing1]

What are the signs that you are healing from it?

Here's where I'm at. I left almost 4 months ago. We have 1 DS together.

I went nc for 2 weeks and have just re started contact only for DS.

He's hurt me terribly. We're married. I'm having therapy and realised he is a narcissist. He's having therapy too.

I spent 2 days solid last week crying. I haven't cried for a week now. I feel lighter. I have FaceTimed him with DS but I just don't know what I feel. I'm sort of numb. I'm hoping I've been through the worst of the pain. Through therapy I've also learnt I have a trauma bond to him.

I will never ever go back to him but it still hurts. He has a new relationship yet he maintains he wants to be with me.

When will it get easier?

Eventually. It takes years.

It gets better gradually.
I found there were triggering moments —- I caught sight of someone wearing a jacket identical to his. Freaked me out. Scanned car park at work in case he’d found me.
There are days when there’s a pressure in your new life — job problem, dc doesn’t like new school, you miss a friend. That makes it all seem awful when in fact it is just one thing that’s not going well.
But there are many, many more benefits and good things.
Stretch out on the sofa, watch what you like on TV or play whatever music you want. No one to criticise.
Your child passes another milestone —- you enabled that.
Your child is happy and relaxed — you made that happen.
You sleep well at night. Bliss.

Keep a diary of the good things that happen, no matter how small.
In time you’ll feel more confident, stronger and happier.

It's like I'm still stuck in it but not feeling that upset by it. It's a strange feeling that I'm trying to work out.

I hate the thought of his new gf but at the same time I am so much better without him. So is DS.

It's not a bad place to be in, I'd rather this than sitting crying all day but I don't know what it means

Well done on getting out.

You say ds is better. Already he is recovering. Every laugh you hear is a win.

How is ex expressing his wanting to get back? This is not good. Little hooks trying to reel you back in. Can you ignore parts of texts/calls and just reply to queries about ds?
You sound very strong and firm in what you don't want. Have you got a list of all the things you and ds can do now? Even the smallest of things. A lie in, trash tv, cheese and crackers in bed type things.
Don't forget to eat and drink. If not for you, then ds needs you to take care of yourself.

@2catsandhappy

Well done on getting out. You say ds is better. Already he is recovering. Every laugh you hear is a win. How is ex expressing his wanting to get back? This is not good. Little hooks trying to reel you back in. Can you ignore parts of texts/calls and just reply to queries about ds? You sound very strong and firm in what you don't want. Have you got a list of all the things you and ds can do now? Even the smallest of things. A lie in, trash tv, cheese and crackers in bed type things. Don't forget to eat and drink. If not for you, then ds needs you to take care of yourself.

Oh yes I've filled one diary with stuff and I'm on to the second!

I'm trying hard not to reply to those messages. He is getting at me but I 100% know he won't ever change.

I think it's mainly that I'm scared to feel this way. I'm scared incase it hits me again and I fall down again. I'm maybe scared of feeling ok?

You are just at the beginning of your healing. It will get better. You are numb because you are still in the thick of it. It's self preservation. The best thing you can do is get counselling to help you process what you have been through. It may still be too soon for that. You could try Womens Aid or your doctors as a first step. Eventually you won't care anymore

@Sprucewillis

You are just at the beginning of your healing. It will get better. You are numb because you are still in the thick of it. It's self preservation. The best thing you can do is get counselling to help you process what you have been through. It may still be too soon for that. You could try Womens Aid or your doctors as a first step. Eventually you won't care anymore

I'm having therapy with woman's aid and private. That's how I've realised he's a narc. And abusive. All cleverly done so it's hard to recognise it. I do just want to get to that point where I don't care anymore. I feel like I can see the end now. It maybe far away but I know it's there. That could be what I'm realising actually

&@healing1 You are doing great

Honestly, it look me ages to 'heal' from my last relationship and it wasn't abusive.

It's so hard when they are with someone new. In my case he left me to be with her and that took about a year to deal with.

Good news is that I did totally get over it all, alone. Where as he is still dealing with the fall out of his behaviour because its been 8 years and his DC still haven't spoken to him.

I'd day it can be raw for a long time. I would say youll notice the healing starting maybe one or two years down the line. If you're lucky.

The thing that helps it most is reading up on how to spot abusers. Constantly. Seriously make it an obsession to learn about spotting narcissists (npd). Then at first you'll feel really heightened in fear about these ppl being so common but as you learn more and learn to trust your judgement about how to spot them, it'll get easier, because you trust yourself again. Then the healing can begin.

Of course, you'll still have the baggage with you from your past but, being able to say you can truly trust your judgement moving forwards, will ease your guilt about ending up in that situation before (not that you should feel any guilt, but often we do).

Keep learning throghout life how to spot abusive people too. And look into personal areas such as codependency as they me be relevant and if so, something you should work through with a councilor.

I do just want to get to that point where I don't care anymore

This comes with the recognition that you have no need of any validation from him any more. And that comes when you give yourself as much validation as you need.

Rather than viewing it as 'getting over abuse' and 'hating that he has a new relationship', remove all the references to him in your self-view. He's not part of you now. Not part of your life, except in one, solitary sense, which is purely practical. So, view it as 'What am I doing to validate myself today?', 'What can I do to take care of my emotional wellbeing, right now?', 'Who can I spend time with/what can I do that makes me feel good?'

You can view yourself as 'getting over abuse' or you can view yourself as 'learning to take wonderful care of yourself'. The second will get you further, faster.

The feeling you're getting but don't recognise could be relief.
You can enjoy all the freeing little things you now have no need to change or worry about.
It will change when he gets bored of not getting a response out of you and starts doing it to the next victim, which isn't your problem.
Try hard not to engage with the drama, emotion, mind games.. I engaged with all of it and because of that it extended the hell. Been free of it for years now and still blame myself for things that were abuse. Get as much therapy as you can for the future. Enjoy it!