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Relationships

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Original poster

Future for partners who don't live together

24 replies

sickofmankymasks · 09/02/2022 12:37

I'm in an LAT relationship and am very happy with that as is he.
We both have kids living with us and my youngest will be leaving for Uni in six years. His is leaving next year .
We speak about the future in terms of retirement ... both forties ...
We don't want blended families but do enjoy spending time with each others kids now and again.
We are free every second weekend and also see each other an evening or a night on alternate weeks and have the odd walk as we live 45 Minutes away from each other .
This suits us.
However.. six years seems to be lifetime away before we can live together ! Has this worked for anyone or is it part of your life plan ?
Thanks

OP posts:

ChickenStripper · 09/02/2022 12:43

You don't really see him very often do you?

FortunesFave · 09/02/2022 12:46

I think I'd want more effort in terms of seeing each other more regularly. You can't really go from every other weekend to living together. It would be a terrible shock. Why for instance, aren't either of you spending the weekend at the other's home?

Also...you're assuming your child of what...12? Will definitely go to uni. You don't know that really....

Original poster

sickofmankymasks · 09/02/2022 12:49

Every second weekend for the full weekend , every other weekend for the day and overnight and the odd walk/ coffee during the week.
I can't fit too much more into my life as I'm a single parent to three kids.
Considering the quality of that time , in terms of it being just the two of us, I think it's adequate ??
I mean I know plenty of family and friends who sit on the couch at opposite ends of the sofa to their partners, buried in their phones night after night and have different bed times and it makes them happy but that's not a set up that we'd enjoy so I guess it's about quality and not quantity for us .

OP posts:

Original poster

sickofmankymasks · 09/02/2022 12:52

We won't be living together for years !
I expect that as our responsive ties get less and our children get older, that we will be on a position to see each other more often , plus our marriages are only three years over so the fall out for the kids remain and I am conscious of bringing another man into their lives and home considering we've managed to make it harmonious and relaxed after years of conflict and aggression .

OP posts:

Madcats · 09/02/2022 12:54

My now husband and I lived apart for 6 years, only seeing each other at weekends and then we often had long stints working away from home.

I think we made far more effort to keep in touch/do things together.

Original poster

sickofmankymasks · 09/02/2022 13:00

That's interesting @Madcats as I feel the same.
We're two years in now and make the effort every single day, whether phone calls, texting, sexting, sending little cards or surprises in the post. We make a huge effort for each other and our eyes literally dance when we meet. There is something to be said for it! Speaking as a divorcee, I mean.
It seems a long way off until we can be together fully but I suppose our contact will increase as the years go on, as long as the kids are ok.

OP posts:

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 09/02/2022 13:03

I think you're both doing a really good thing here for your kids.

I wouldn't worry about it too much for now, like you say as the children get older you will probably find you have more time for yourself and to see each other a bit more often.

gogohm · 09/02/2022 13:04

Do you really want to put your life on hold for 6 years, do you really think it's easy even at 18? I would seriously discuss whether to blend sooner because life is for living. My DD's were over 18 (just) and they still struggled with new living arrangements (they had the option of staying with their dad in the family home which we decided not to sell until they were older, dd decided to come with me)

It's all worked out fine, Dp's dd decided to move in too!

Crumbs22 · 09/02/2022 13:05

How long have you been together? The main thing is you're both happy with your current set up and it works, nothing wrong with it at all. It's also great that you are making future plans and as with any plan, you do need to revise it every so often and see if you're still happy with things. 6 years does seem a long time but it really isn't in the scheme of things and I would focus more on enjoying your time now. I agree it's about the quality.

Blushinggerbil · 09/02/2022 13:06

If you’re both happy and needs met what does it matter what mumsnet think?

Change123today · 09/02/2022 13:08

My MIL has been with her partner nearly 35 years….initially she didn’t want to live together as her son was at the teenage awkward years. Then he left for uni (& never returned home!)

They’ve never lived together! They go on holidays, spend most weekends together. But both very much enjoy their independence. He lives out in the sticks she lives in a busy city. I think it just never was the right time, with other things going on in their lives - they seem very happy! They both come over & stay for Christmas etc as a couple! My husband doesn’t see him as any step- father role & my children don’t see him as Grandad- they respect and care for him though but very much see him as Grandma partner.

For them it works!! Not saying I would want that - but they happy and never rushed moving in together & now it’s too far along to suddenly uproot their respective lives to live together.

Wherearemymarbles · 09/02/2022 13:13

Seems very sensible to me!
As yours get older and more independent you will naturally get more free time.

From what i have read on here and seen in real life blending families is for fools!

Wherearemymarbles · 09/02/2022 13:15

And i fail to see how you are putting your life on hold!
Its not as if the current situation is holding you back!

Original poster

sickofmankymasks · 09/02/2022 13:33

I don't see it as putting my life on hold though and either does he.
Our relationship is developing really well but it seems like such a long way off!!!
No man will be living with me while my kids are at home, not just him.
They've suffered enough without more disruption to their lives.

OP posts:

Original poster

sickofmankymasks · 09/02/2022 13:37

@Blushinggerbil I was hoping for some
Stories of people's experiences with this.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 09/02/2022 13:45

I've bene with my partner for 10 years. Still don't officially live together full time-I have my house, he has his. However we have a business together, see each other most days, work around our relative children. We also all go for days out, holidays etc.

The kids are happy and adjusted. They havent had to compete for attention or deal with upheaval. They genuinely like each other however the same can't be said on the respective other sides relationships.
We are happy and make more of an effort-to be fair the more we see each other, the more it's easy to slip into being a bit more 'lazy' in the relationship but 10 years down I think we can say it definitely works for us, we are extremely happy with each other and the relationship and our priorities have always remained our children.

I'm well aware that throughout this relationship the mumsnet hive would have told me to finish things multiple times. It's a good reminder that it doesn't matter if it works for anyone else, it's whether it works for you that matters

QueenCremant · 09/02/2022 13:52

I could have written your post myself pretty much. Only for us it’ll be 8 years till my youngest potentially leaves home.
It works for now as we both have dc at school so are absolutely not going to uproot them from their lives and their other parent.
We’ve been together 3 years and I don’t consider us any less of a couple. We talk/text continuously and we hope to spend the rest of our lives together.
It’s impossible to say what will happen in the next few years but I’m confident that it will work itself out somehow.

supercali77 · 09/02/2022 14:42

Im in the same position. Its about 6 years off before his leaves secondary and my girl is only 8 years old. We see each other eow, one night a week and sometimes on weekends where we both have the kids. Tbh for the first year we were together we both thought we'd wait till they left. The last few months though we've both felt thats an awfully long time. So we're considering it more like 2 years and gradually blending the kids in that time.who knows if it will work, but the only way to tell is by getting the kids and us together more and seeing what the dynamics are like / how comfortable we all feel

Cherry55 · 09/02/2022 14:55

I've been doing this for 3 years with my partner. 45 mins away, we both have young children. See each other every other weekend, once in the week each week and maybe all together with kids the other weekend. Kids get on all fine but they are young.

We do have the best time on our weekends. Carefree and fun. How many "standard" relationships with kids can say that? No grumbling over the day to day and always excited to see each other and plan nice things to do together.

I'm happier than he is about it as he is without kids and alone more so will see if it becomes an issue but I've decided to put my kids first if it really came to it. I've read enough on here about blended families to repel me a lifetime.

ChickenStripper · 09/02/2022 16:52

@sickofmankymasks

Every second weekend for the full weekend , every other weekend for the day and overnight and the odd walk/ coffee during the week. I can't fit too much more into my life as I'm a single parent to three kids. Considering the quality of that time , in terms of it being just the two of us, I think it's adequate ?? I mean I know plenty of family and friends who sit on the couch at opposite ends of the sofa to their partners, buried in their phones night after night and have different bed times and it makes them happy but that's not a set up that we'd enjoy so I guess it's about quality and not quantity for us .

Ok but that's not what your OP said - it said we are free every second weekend.

Booboo24 · 09/02/2022 21:10

My fiance and I have LAT for the past 7 years for this reason, and are now ready to finally move in together. My problem is I've got used to living alone (with children too) I love my house, my area, my neighbours and am so settled I don't want to leave it all!!!! We live 1 hour 40 mins apart, we've always spent alternate full weekends at each others houses, and alternate weekends up until Sunday mornings on the other alternate weekends when we both have our children. He has always spent one evening a week coming to mine too, arriving around 6.30pm and leaving at 4am to get to work. I've settled into this routine and am reluctant to change it now. I will of course as I want to be with him, but it's something to consider

Kinko · 09/02/2022 21:12

I don't think you don't see each other enough. It sounds like you have a lovely set up and a very sensible one where you both balance prioritising your own children with each other. You both have very full lives by the sound of it.

You are offering your kids stability and preventing them from having to go through the upheaval, chaos and adjustment of forcing a blended family. You are also avoiding the need to interfer with the way you raise your kids. All of which cause relationship strain!

There is so much to be said for the pragmatic way you are handling this. And you're also prolonging your honeymoon phase and the romance of it!

As your kids grow they'll be future opportunities for spending more time together e.g holidays together and more time at weekend when kids are wanting to go out with friends and so on.

I say enjoy your set up!

Nomorepastry · 13/02/2022 15:20

I don't live with mine and we've been together since 2015. Both still live with parents and no plans on ever living together. But we don't have kids either but if that was different I'd probably get funny about us living apart as we only see each other a few times a week. At first the thought of living apart made me anxious, I've never been in a proper relationship so I wouldn't know what it's like to live with someone. I'm used to my space and I have all my animals here, where as if we lived together he wouldn't allow that. Basically we're a long term FWB I feel

TammyOne · 13/02/2022 15:32

I didn’t live with DP for about 5 years, and now I do I kind of wish I didn’t! Nothing awful happened, just, sharing domestic space with a man is slightly annoying and sort of kills the sex drive! ( on both sides I think).
I can definitely foresee us being old but him living in a cabin in the woods and me living in a nearby town. There’s more than one way to live, so don’t be swayed by convention, do what makes you happy in the long term.
Also think your set up sounds fine OP.

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