Online dating red flag?

[fenellastripe]

Is it a red flag if someone lies about their age on their online dating profile?

Yes red flag to me, not only shows dishonesty and low self esteem, sort of feels like entitlement to overrule my boundaries. I can chose who I want to date, the ages the pick are the ages I pick, I don’t need some stranger trying to tell me I’m wrong for not wanted to date them b’cos they’re one year older or younger than my personal cut off.

I've had guys admit they've lied about their age before, and immediately blocked them. It just seems a bit desperate - like, in my opinion its unattractive to care so much about internet dating that you'd be prepared to lie for it.

These people always seem to think its OK if they look younger than they are - we all think we look younger than we bloody well are for christ's sake!!!

@Casper001

How many years were being knocked off?

Four years. He could easily pass for even younger. Is it vanity?

I just cannot imagine having a meaningful relationship with someone who lies about their age. Imagine if they didn't tell you straight away. How does that conversation then go? Oh, by the way, I'm actually four years older than you thought I was. I would start wondering what else he's lied about.

There isn't a definitive list of red flags. There are some things that would be a red flag for everybody (violence, coercive behaviour etc), but everybody will also have additional, individual ones. Not a red flag that they're not a good person, but a red flag that they're not right for you.

So, if someone does something that makes you ask if one of their behaviours is a red flag, then it's a red flag for you, otherwise you'd be happy with it, and so, wouldn't have the question.

Find someone who doesn't offer you any 'red flag?' behaviours. With the right person, you'll feel consistently safe and reassured, and not wonder if there might be signs of something up.

Great advice @TheFoundation thanks.

Was going to say something similar. If lying about your age is something you'd never do, out of principle, then he doesn't have the same principles as you, so you're probably not a great match.

Tbh I lie about my age. I add a year on. Some people may think it's strange or a red flag but I was pregnant at school and am well and truly sick of being judged for it. I was suprised at how different the reaction was when people asked and I added a year on my age and took a year of my child's age.

Yes it's wrong to lie.
And I echo a pp comment - if someone has said they want to date people who are 30-40 then it's really arrogant and disrespectful to think 'surely they'd love ME if they met me, so I'll lie about my age by a couple of years so they get the chance'. They've said no to over 40's, so don't lie about being over 40.
If someone is willing to lie about their age then what else are they willing to lie about if it puts them in a better light?
It also comes across as an unattractive lack of self confidence.

Yes it's wrong to lie

You can't really say this. No single one of us gets to say whether something is right or wrong. Some people think it's ok, even on this so-far brief thread.

It's important that we all make our own decisions, with reference to our own feelings, rather than deferring to what other people think is 'right' or 'wrong'. It's different for everybody.

@TheFoundation

Yes it's wrong to lie

You can't really say this. No single one of us gets to say whether something is right or wrong. Some people think it's ok, even on this so-far brief thread.

It's important that we all make our own decisions, with reference to our own feelings, rather than deferring to what other people think is 'right' or 'wrong'. It's different for everybody.

Something can still be wrong even if people are able to accept it.

I occasionally speed in a 30 zone - do I think it's wrong, yes.
Do I still do it? Yes.

We can all try and be the best we can be a try and keep our standards high.
If someone deliberately mis-represents themselves on a dating app (age, height, education, relationship status, children etc) I can't see they are much of a catch to be honest.

I get the height thing, I don't swipe on shorter guys as I'm fairly tall and I prefer to date guys taller than me. They lie. We turn up at a date, then I don't see them again because I'm not attracted to them - personality is immaterial because even though they might have a nice persona so far I know 2 things - they lie, and I'm not physically attracted to them.
What a waste of time for me, they pay so a waste of time and money for them. I just think it's pointless.

@fenellastripe

I don't know why he needed to lie about it. He looks younger than his actual age but his actual age isn't a problem anyway. I've read before that people do this when they're on the cusp of decade changes (say they're 50 but think people will search under 50).

It probably is trying to be in the age range that women he would want to date would search for.

Is he within your age range?

He's in my age range with or without the age change.

I don't understand OLD. Someone messaged me and his profile sounded great apart from he said he was a party animal. When I replied and said that we wouldn't get on, he said he'd ticked that category by mistake. Then he immediately changed his profile.

I'm beginning to think they're sounding desperate.

@shouldhavewouldhave

You can't compare this to speed limits. That's a law. There is an external locus of evaluation to tell us whether it's a yay or nay. With emotional issues, one person can say a thing is wrong, and another can say it's right. Being of the opinion that people should keep their standards high doesn't make you an external locus of evaluation: it's your opinion.

Saying that something 'is' wrong is different from saying that it's wrong 'in your opinion'. We're all different. Some people don't think white lies are wrong. You do, and so do I, but we can't tell other people that they should think they're wrong too. That's the point of being an individual: unless there are laws, you can do what you like. And even when there are laws, you can still think what you like.

I did a thread on this last week after a guy knocked a decade off.

He wasn't bright enough to keep it going though....the age he said he had his son, and his son's age, gave it away on date 2. Anyone trying to live the age lie would have to constantly be re-calculating their life's events... exhausting.

The lying put me off a lot more than anything else. He decided for me that I was dating someone almost 60 (I'm 48), as if I didn't get a say. Very sad behaviour at that age. What else would he lie about? I didn't stick around to find out...

As for "age bracket" theories. It doesn't really work like that on apps? You don't pick 30-40 or 40-50, you set your own range on the slider - i.e. for me say 5 years each way would be set at 43-53. Next year I'll change it to 44-54. So not really an excuse?

A couple of years to dodge the filters wouldn’t strike me as a big deal, personally, if they were honest about it afterwards.

Online dating is full of “liars” once you include all the people of both sexes using their most flattering photos which often don’t reflect what they actually look like (or even photos they’ve filtered.)

@writergirl747474

I did a thread on this last week after a guy knocked a decade off.

He wasn't bright enough to keep it going though....the age he said he had his son, and his son's age, gave it away on date 2. Anyone trying to live the age lie would have to constantly be re-calculating their life's events... exhausting.

The lying put me off a lot more than anything else. He decided for me that I was dating someone almost 60 (I'm 48), as if I didn't get a say. Very sad behaviour at that age. What else would he lie about? I didn't stick around to find out...

As for "age bracket" theories. It doesn't really work like that on apps? You don't pick 30-40 or 40-50, you set your own range on the slider - i.e. for me say 5 years each way would be set at 43-53. Next year I'll change it to 44-54. So not really an excuse?

Yes but most people tend to pick their cut off at 30 or 40 or 50 ect.

Also, for example, mine is set to 25-35. But in rl would i date someone who is 36? Likely. Probably 37 too. Maybe even 24 if I liked them enough. So there's wiggle room.

Yet, I haven't set my online account to 24-37 because I figure most ppl I would date would swipe right on will in the 25-35 age range.

I know a couple who met on tinder and both lied about their age. One added 5 years and the older deducted 5 years.

One always attracted to younger people,other to older. There's 12 years between them but when I met my friend's partner I would have guessed about 5.

They got married at Christmas and realised that they probably wouldn't have met without the lie!

My ex did this - knocked 5 years off, said he was single (he wasn't - hence ex!) and the finishing touch was that he included #honesty in his profile. Photo was an old one too. Hence deeply suspicious of anyone who can happily lie about 'little' things like this - why? I just don't get it.

[quote TheFoundation]@shouldhavewouldhave

You can't compare this to speed limits. That's a law. There is an external locus of evaluation to tell us whether it's a yay or nay. With emotional issues, one person can say a thing is wrong, and another can say it's right. Being of the opinion that people should keep their standards high doesn't make you an external locus of evaluation: it's your opinion.

Saying that something 'is' wrong is different from saying that it's wrong 'in your opinion'. We're all different. Some people don't think white lies are wrong. You do, and so do I, but we can't tell other people that they should think they're wrong too. That's the point of being an individual: unless there are laws, you can do what you like. And even when there are laws, you can still think what you like.[/quote]
I think these threads are about opinions rather than the law though?

It's fairly obvious that most people on this thread have a) never tried online dating or b) been successful.
Bending the truth is sadly part of the game and if you don't want to be categorized as fifty and frumpy (if you aren't) then sometimes you need to lie. There are worse things in life! I'm happily married for 4 years to someone I met on line.

A lot of people joined Facebook when they were under 13 so added a year or two to their date of birth to be allowed on the site. Fast forward nearly a decade and you see a lot of dating profiles (a lot of apps use your Facebook credentials) with "19, not 21" on them. That's OK.

Pretending to be 20 years younger than you really are? No chance.

@samthebordercollie

It's fairly obvious that most people on this thread have a) never tried online dating or b) been successful. Bending the truth is sadly part of the game and if you don't want to be categorized as fifty and frumpy (if you aren't) then sometimes you need to lie. There are worse things in life! I'm happily married for 4 years to someone I met on line.

I went online dating at 45 and again at 47. Got plenty of dates (and a couple of relationships) both times using my correct age and nice but recent, realistic photos. I'm now over 50 and if I went online dating again I still wouldn't lie. I don't only go for youthful hunks, and my personal experience has been that men don't all only want youthful women. The guy I am with now used his correct age and a mugshot of himself, balding head on full display. I liked the look of his cheeky smile - and he made a few funny comments in the first few messages that made me think he could be good fun. And he was :) You can give a good impression without making stuff up.

Personally I would not be terribly impressed if someone was lying about their age and it is does indicate to me a level of insecurity.