I feel like I'm sinking

[THEB4TMAN]

Hello everyone.
I'm not sure if you can help me, but at the very least I'd like to tell my story and hopefully feel the release of tension associated with 'talking through your problems'.

For obvious, not waiting to complicate my life even further, type reasons I shall refer to myself as Adam, with my partner assuming the role of Eve - not our real names, or some deeper insight into how I project myself etc; just purely a means by which I can maintain some privacy.

Here goes..

I'm Adam, I'm 39, previously divorced with one Son aged 12. My Partner Eve is 41, also previously divorced with one Daughter aged 10. We all live together in Eve's house with our dog, two cats and we own two horses that we stable a few miles down the road.

Eve is a successful business woman and owns her own accountancy firm with several members of staff. She works long hours and often has to bring work home with her during the evenings and weekends. This need to work irregular hours is possibly, partially, down to her love of riding horses. Eve has two horses, which she tends to every day before and after work. Due to her love of competing with them, she also has lessons and events to attend on an almost weekly basis - and as such, fitting it all in around her career means she is kept busy pretty much from the moment she wakes, to the moment she sleeps...
It was me that bought her the horses. When we first started dating, my Mother was terminally ill, and for the first year or so of our relationship Eve had been an absolute angel to my mum and me - going out of her way to make her final days as pleasant and memorable as possible. It was shortly after my mothers passing that Eve got back into riding horses with a friend of hers (Eve had previously ridden throughout her childhood and teens - but had given up when her Daughter was born)
As her passion was rekindled, I jumped at the chance to help her and we shopped for a horse, then all the gear...then somehow a second horse (a different breed and build to use for other events).. I insisted on paying for everything, partially because of how good she'd been to myself and my mother, but also because of how things had developed at home.
You see, by now in our story, we had set up a life together and I'd moved in to Eve's home with her. Over three years later, I still find myself more comfortable with calling it her house, as she pays the mortgage. I have taken on the utilities, upkeep costs etc, along with things such as TV, internet and food costs etc - but she has kept the mortgage solely to herself, which outweighs the things I pay for by some margin. I've never pushed as to why this is, but I assume its some sort of insurance policy in her own mind. I get it.. I was burned by my last relationship and bare the financial scars to this day.

This is partly where I believe some of our issues stem from. I struggle with money, and outside of the bills etc, any treats, days out, holidays etc have to go on my credit card and be paid off over time. Eve on the other hand, earns far more than I do, and even while paying the relatively high mortgage herself; still has more disposable cash then me. As such, impromptu days out that I've not had time to budget for tend to come out of her wallet.

Another possible issue is what I assume she perceives as 'my care free lifestyle'. Unlike her, I have no such demanding career or hobby. I work full time for a delivery company, with my hobbies only taking up one afternoon every weekend (I play airsoft - grown men in the woods, shooting each other with what are essentially toy guns)
Because of this, I have the lions share of free time in our relationship. I get to go to work and then come home and forget work even exists. Please don't assume I sit on my bum the rest of the day though... I make sure I take care of everything in the house etc. Cooking for me and the kids (Eve rarely gets to join us for dinner), walking the dog, cleaning, washing etc all fall under my remit for the most part. However, I'm generally pretty organized, and can come home from work and keep on top of these things fairly easily.
Sometimes I feel like this causes tension, due to the fact that when she eventually roles in of an evening, the kids are sorted and playing in their rooms and I'm sat on the sofa with my feet up. I genuinely think she'd like to see me more stressed some times - as crazy as it sounds.
With regard to Eve's horses, I'd also like to make the point that we all support her passion...Myself and the kids regularly attend her competitions and on occasion help her muck out stables etc. Sometimes it feels like its the only way to spend some time with her when things get really busy...

When something is wrong, either through stress at work, or what I think is a want to spend more time with her horses or even a feeling that she is missing out at home...or something unknown to me. Eve shuts down.
By this, I mean, she closes ME out completely. The children, friends, family etc all still receive the usual pleasantries and light-hearted conversation - but I get the cold shoulder.
A kiss before work, messages throughout the day, a cuddle at night - all disappear without trace. She'll pull away and offer me a cheek if I saunter over for a kiss.. she'll sit on the opposite side of the room to me to avoid contact on the sofa..Or even just come home and disappear straight to bed without a word. Anything intimate becomes a pipe dream.
Should I push or question the issue, she is quick to anger and tells me to leave her alone.. calls me needy if I try to hug her etc.
In the past, these sort of times have been short-lived and spasmodic. She's always made sure to apologize to me after and recite to me the fact that I should just ignore her when she's like that and know that she still loves me...

However, of late, these events have become more frequent; and in the case of this latest episode - longer lasting and more troubling.
It's been almost two weeks now that Eve has been trapped in this mood. She's barely spoken a word to me, shared any time with me; and last night, wouldn't even look at me.
I've become increasingly worried as this two weeks have passed and despite my better judgement have tried to probe the situation and offer help with whatever is going on.. But I'm met with increasing hostility.
I cooked a meal just for the two of us last night, and she made no attempt at conversation what-so-ever. Giving only one word answers to any conversation I attempted to initiate. Most worrying of all though, was the fact she very obviously wouldn't look at me. Her eyes went all around the room, but never once looked at me.
Once again, I asked if everything was ok - had I done something wrong? To which she rolled her eyes, gave a loud sigh and said - 'You just cant leave it alone can you..' At which point she cleared a plate and went to bed - half-heartedly apologizing for being such bad company as she went up the stairs.

This morning I have a day off from work, so she was up earlier than me. She dropped a coffee up to me and bed, and wished me a good day - but minus any affection I might usually recieve.

I just don't know how I should be acting. I want to help...It feels almost ingrained in my DNA that I should help - but she wont let me. Wont talk to me. Rejects me.

It's in times like these I turn to the internet... googling vague terms that might sum up my situation and searching for some kind of haynes manual for relationships. That only leads to seemingly generic youtube videos like - '10 signs your wife is cheating' or 'why women want an alpha male'. Then my head spins out of control with all those variables...

I'd just like some honest insight...

The silent treatment is well known to be a form of abuse, that’s the answer you would get if the genders were reversed.

If I were you I’d insist on relationship counselling. Two weeks is far too long for her to be shutting you out. She needs to find far better ways of communicating with you.

If she won’t, and if her behaviour doesn’t improve, then I really think your relationship is over. She’s showing a complete lack of respect for you by refusing to engage with you. The power balance in your relationship is totally off.

Is she an accountant that prepares self assessment tax returns? If so last week was nightmare week with the 31st January deadline, which may have hit her hard.

Having said that, her treatment of you is abuse.

If it's a lack of respect and a power balance issue.. Is the internet correct? Should I be more dominant? Be more 'Alpha' and attempt to regain some of the power dynamic?

How would I even go about this?

Yes, her work/life balance is way off in the last few weeks. However, I just don't understand why I'm the one that bares the brunt of it? Am I too much of a doormat that she knows she can do it? Is it easier with me than taking any frustration out on anyone else?

A simple question for you, what are YOU getting out of this relationship?

Adam, you explain the situation in detail and you ask for insight. I'll try.

1. Do you think that it is possible in any way that she is worried about her daughter growing up under the same roof as your son?
2. In her job I suppose she must have male clients who are more materially successful in life than you. Maybe sometimes the comparison weighs on her. She may think she's supporting you too much.
3. Women run a mile from perceived clinginess. So avoid giving that impression.
4. If I were you, I'd show her what you've written above and then ask her if your relationship has any future.

Seems to me you both have happiness within your grasp if both of you understand each other.
My very best wishes.

Hi Jennifer, thanks for the reply. Here's my answers to what you've said -

1. I don't think she has any concern surrounding my son. He's a good kid, and while a little excitable at times, has his heart in the right place. Our kids get along really well and have each in fits of laughter some times.

If anything, she's probably more concerned with her Daughter's upbringing where I'm concerned. I'm very easy going on the kids.. She thinks I let them get away with too much and constantly criticizes me if I don't make sure they eat their vegetables etc.

1. That comparison with more successful people weighs on me too. I'd love to earn more money and provide more, and accept any overtime going at work I can. The reality is (I know this is going to sound like an excuse) our home life doesn't function if I get a second job... I'm under-qualified, unskilled, and pushing 40 - so the likelyhood of me getting a higher paid main job is slim at best.

I try my best to ensure I make up for my lack of funds by being as supportive as possible and basically running the house from a logistics sense. I do my best to be the perfect modern house-husband, while still maintaining a full time job too. Despite all that, I do still feel like a failure somewhat.

1. That's a tough one for me. Naturally I'm a very tentative guy - I thrive off of physical contact. A kiss here, a squeeze there. Not in the 'Im looking for sex' way... Just loving. I do my best not to chase her when she pulls away. I've even tried giving her the cold shoulder back - with some limited success.. But its painful for me. As I said before, I want to help with whatever is wrong. I want to understand and be there for her... If I'm the problem, I want her to tell me.

1. Haha, not a chance. She doesn't want to talk to me about all this, let alone read about.

Sorry if I’ve read too quick and missed this but can you pinpoint exactly when she became frosty? That being said, this is no way to keep going, it doesn’t sound very fulfilling op.

I am not saying it is, but if you suspect that the imbalance of power/available time/financial status is at the heart of the issue ...then your respective DC will be old enough to come home from school and stay at home alone in three to four years time and not need so much hands on attention, so maybe you could think about using the interim time to retrain and re-focus on your career once they are 13/14 years old? That might readdress the balance of power issue between you? If this is the nub of the issue between you, then this may allay some of Eve's fears and pressures about having to work at the same pace right up until retirement.

I forgot to add though that whatever the issue, Eve is being very immature not talking to you about it. With Valentine's coming up, you could take the bull by the horns and organise a baby-sitter and book a restaurant and take her out and have a proper chat? It wouldn't have to be expensive but the gesture might be appreciated.

Again, not saying Adam that this is the case in your relationship, as you sound like a nice person, but do you by any chance sit back and allow Eve to do the majority of the "wife work"? Do you take the initiative say organising days out or future plans or does Eve do all of that? ? Do you understand properly what is meant by "wife work"? I know you do the hands on stuff such as cooking and cleaning your home while Eve is at work, but does she "manage and organise everything" else? Eg does she book the extra-curricular activities for the DC, plan holidays, buy and wrap the present for next Saturday's birthday party, pay the piano lesson subscription, communicate with school, organise the Christmas jumper, send Aunt Jemima a 90th birthday card, organise the dcs' new uniforms and sew on name tapes, go to the craft shop to buy the special glue needed for the art project? All that sort of stuff? Does she still have the stress of keeping all these details in her head as well as being the main breadwinner? Because there is a lot more to running a household and raising DC than cooking tea and unloading the dw, being left to do all of the "wife work" is a common complaint on Mumsnet (and you have asked for insights on here) and the way you describe in your op that you "keep on top of it fairly easily" makes my spider senses twitch a bit because imho, it shouldn't be quite that easy if you are doing it properly? Forgive me though if it turns out you are a super-organised domestic God and I have grasped the wrong end of the stick here!

Cabriolelegs99 - Interesting points you make, and received loud and clear.
In answer to the points you've raised, I'm afraid I can't say I undertake all of the things mentioned in the sort of way someone might like, or that may be perceived as me taking the lead on these things anyway.. Let me clarify.

Days out or Future plans : This is a tough one, mainly due to Eve's horse related calendar. Events pop up most weekends, and she frequently has at least one training session with either or both horses during the week. Couple that with the day-to-day horse related stuff, and the calendar becomes pretty full.
I tend to ask what she's got planned and when with the horses at the start of each week, but the answer can often be non-committal as her week tends to evolve as it goes along. As such its hard to plan anything beyond telling her when something is going to happen and that she must keep time available. Which in tern makes me feel like I'm bullying her into stuff.

Extra Curricular stuff - This seems to play out that I handle the stuff for my son, and she handles her daughter. I've offered before to run both, but I think its valuable time she likes spending with her.

Planning Holidays - Admittedly this is not something I do particularly well. I'm captain indecision when it comes to this stuff... I'm not overly worried about where we go (as long as its warm) and tend to get caught up in the details of what we could do when there, places we could visit etc, sights we could see.. is there stuff to interest the kids etc. When it comes to booking planes, hiring a car abroad etc I think I frustrate her in my obsession with finding 'the best deals' etc.. Please also bare in mind I'm the type of guy that has to check the oven is off before I leave the house, and then may return to the house after walking 20 metres down the road to check I locked the door....

Birthday parties, communication with school, christmas jumpers - Absolutely I have that covered!
Aunt Jemima's birthday.... yeah, I miss the boat on those things fairly often.. Relatives birthdays often escape me. We don't have a calendar with such things displayed in the house, so I often forget. I actually forgot my own sisters birthday last year, which believe me, I didn't hear the end of for many weeks.
Art projects, cooking at school etc - Yes, I've got that covered too! The kids school has an app that updates me on all their homework, stuff they need for projects etc. Its super-easy when reminders flash up on your phone every day!

I don't think you are doing anything wrong and shouldn't try to change to be a different person. Eve seems to take you for granted, what exactly does she contribute to the relationship, what do you get from it?

It really isn't on for her to give you the cold shoulder for two weeks, no matter how much work she has on. I would be re-evaluating the relationship and be thinking about moving out if she won't even discuss things with you.

She's got you for a right mug hasn't she?
If a woman was left with the majority of the housework whilst a man was pissing about with his hobby all week she would rightly be told to tell him to do one!
Firstly I would start with the non committal answer to her plans for the week.....you need to know what is happening and when. You were not put on this earth to orbit her selfish satellite, she needs to tell you on a Sunday night what her plans are (believe me she knows, all this bollocks about her week evolving is simply shite and means she just does what she fancies with no regard for you!).
If she won't even tell you what her plans are you pretty much know where you stand and whether you can live like this for the rest of your life.....I couldn't.

Omg.
There is no way I'd put up with this crap, & I didn't..
You should not be shut off for 2 weeks and treated this poorly, and my advice would be to actually point that out to her.
You are enabling her currently.

She needs to take responsibility for changing her reactions and moods.

If she has regrets she needs to change her own life,not be taking it out on you.

What must the children be feeling like in this atmosphere. I can be almost certain that they have noticed and feel tense.

She is so emotionally abusive ignoring you.
This can be very damaging and sole destroying.

I would not be arranging Valentines
dates until I was sure that she wants to bother prioritising you, otherwise you will have another knock back.

I think you seem like a nice guy but The power balance is off. It sounds like she’s happy to have a live-in housekeeper but has she lost the attraction? Was your relationship passionate from the start? You really need to improve on your communication or this won’t get any better. Can you afford to see a counsellor on your own?

Personally, I think perhaps your low confidence/nervousness might have something to do with her feelings for you. A kind of catch-22 since her treatment of you makes it worse. The key for you would be to work on your self esteem I think.

tealswan.com/videos/relationships/containment/

Reading your update op, you don't seem to be doing too much wrong to me! You are obviously a very involved and hands-on parent.

I agree with pp that perhaps it is your anxiety and low self esteem that is the issue. Although your partner's behaviour certainly isn't helping!

When Esther Perel (psychologist specialising in relationships) talks about mutual attraction (look her up on You Tube) ; she explains that you are most attractive to your partner, when you feel good in yourself. So when we are at our most fulfilled, empowered, enthusiastic about a work or hobby project etc ...that is incredibly attractive to other people.

You are obviously feeling very low in yourself atm, largely down to the way your partner treats you, and as a pp has said, all of this has become a very negative cycle.

I have no idea what the solution is to your partner's issues, but I think I would start off by working on yourself (if you want to change that is!) by not being so available, maybe stepping back a bit and doing a few things to build your self esteem. Have your own plans at the weekend for example. Take the initiative; lead a bit instead of following. Demonstrate some autonomy. Don't wait for her opinion or approval; just go out and do some things that you enjoy.

Maybe think about taking up a second job, or start studying. Remember that many people find alternative childcare solutions to having a sahp. The kids could attend after school club; freeing you up to do something more interesting instead.

Having said all of the above, if you are happy as you are, with a more low key lifestyle, then you shouldn't have to change for someone else.

In summary, this perhaps is less about your relationship, and more about the sort of person you want to be?

@THEB4TMAN

Yes, her work/life balance is way off in the last few weeks. However, I just don't understand why I'm the one that bares the brunt of it? Am I too much of a doormat that she knows she can do it? Is it easier with me than taking any frustration out on anyone else?

Pressure at work is not an excuse.

To put this into context: My DH has been under intense pressure at work these last couple of months (self employed) and I'm a SAHP. We have a baby, so we are often very sleep deprived. This has led to a few arguments as we are both utterly shattered but ultimately he has never behaved like your Eve here. We have our challenges but we still talk, kiss and cuddle.

You sound like a lovely, genuine guy but I think she is taking you for a mug as a previous poster said. And sadly it does sound like she has maybe got second thoughts about your relationship. I have no experience on affairs but I think that would cross my mind here too.

What does she say when you try to discuss your relationship?