What is wrong with me - why can’t I feel love?

[Sugarspunbeetle]

The only people I really really love are my dc. And my dog.
I am fond of my parents and I think I do love them in a way but there’s no depth to it somehow.

And that’s it. I can’t feel it. I’m worried I’m a narcissist. With my friends, I like them but if I never saw them again it wouldn’t bother me. If they are upset or going through difficult times I have to act the way I know I should. I never actually feel it. I don’t want them to be unhappy and I’m pleased when something goes well for them but only in the same way as I’d want that for anybody.
I don’t think I love DH. Again, I have to do a lot of acting the right way and the way I know other people act but I rarely if ever feel it.

It makes me sad. I think I have to consciously decide to care. I work in the medical field and I am the same there too, it rarely - if ever - upsets me and some of the stuff is horrendous. I can act it but I never feel it.

You don't sound narcissistic to me...
You love your DC & dog. Did you love your Dh, has that changed over time?
You are reflective & conscious of appropriate times to express emotion. Not just thinking of how others can benefit you.
I suspect you have an insecure attachment to your parents & that clouds your view of what love ought to feel like.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved him as I should. I care about him but if - for example - he was really ill I would be fairly detached from it. I could act the feelings but I wouldn’t feel them properly.
If the dc were ill I would, or the dog.
My parents - I’d be more concerned than with DH but I’m not sure id feel it as I should do, or as other people feel it.
It’s hard to know. I can definitely be detached.

Came on to say the same. Look up Disorganized/disoriented attachment, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment.
I am the same as you, never been in love (although faked it twice) I've always known there was something " wrong" with me. I was terrified that I wouldn't love my daughter when I was pregnant but made a decision to just get on with the job when she was born. I was so relieved when I realised I was actually able to love her.
I wasn't abused at all, but definitely emotionally neglected by a busy mother who was extremely disappointed in her life.
Anyway! Google it, see if it rings true for you.

If you're interested then some psychotherapy might be useful to untangle this. Perhaps couples therapy afterwards if that feels right.

As pp suggested, it might be due to your early relationship as a baby/ toddler & feeling abandoned by your main care giver. Sorry 💐.

I'm autistic and exactly the same.

Another autistic here who is exactly the same...
Do you think you have any traits OP?

Are you me? I think I do 'love' family and friends in my own way, but have to remind myself how to act in a socially acceptable way. I'm always asking myself "what am I supposed to do/say in this situation? How am I supposed to respond to x, y, z? What is the appropriate response?". I have to deliberately put on my concerned/shocked/interested face where appropriate (don't always get that right unfortunately). One friend says she's noticed I have a set facial expression for each occasion and suggested I may be ASD. And once friends are out of sight, I lose any feelings of a link to them. I look at my siblings responses to my parents and the joy they all seem to have in that connection and it confuses me and makes me feel like a bad person because it's just not there for me.

I do love my dh (and some previous partners), but it's not the same as how others describe it. It's more obsession at the beginning, like an interesting hobby, and once the fun and entertainment is gone, I just cut off. When people talk about partners being assholes but they can't leave because they luuvvvvv them, I really don't understand - I just 'decide' it's not fun anymore and make the feelings go away.

It definitely not Narcissism, because it's not being done out of a feeling of superiority and what can be gained by being nice and acting in a loving way.

Thank you op for being brave and posting this as it's a lonely place to be. It's not like I can discuss this with friends/family - "oh by the way, I don't really care about you as much as I seem to, it's all fake as I think it's what I should do".

I feel the same as you, OP. I love my children but that's about it. I have been fond of partners in the past and have briefly felt quite strongly about them, but it always wanes and then they just start irritating me, I just can't help it. I have decided not to have another full time live in partner again because I don't think I'm really capable of loving anyone other than my kids. I too had distant/occasionally unkind parents and spent much of my childhood being ignored and sorting myself out.

I’m similar. You are not alone. I don’t feel romantic love like I feel I should do. I’m just all a bit meh about it. I don’t get that “I can’t leave because I love him” bit either. I’ve never loved anyone like that. If they hurt me then they are gone and I wouldn’t think twice. In fact I haven’t thought twice when it has happened. I never feel overwhelming love.

I'm similar OP. I feel 'bonded' to people and a huge sense of duty to ensure they are happy and have what they need. I feel hugely protective. But I know I could walk away and start a new life with new people. I don't have a love feeling unless what I have described is love and if it is, I don't get all the songs, poetry, movies and books about it as it's fairly underwhelming.

I've also had that butterflies in stomach feeling but to me that's just chemicals and lust and wears off after a time.

I just get on with it and assume I've either read too much fiction, watched too many movies, dont understand love or I have something wrong with me that I can't be bothered to cure.

I’m exactly the same.

I thought it might be linked to a traumatic event in my early 20’s, but I’m thinking it’s more linked to my childhood.

I don’t even know where to start unpicking it and I can’t afford private therapy so I suppose I’ll just have to try and accept it.

Everyone experiences love in different ways OP. It sounds like you maybe don't instinctively identity / empathise with the emotional states of others to the same degree that some other people do but actually this is what possibly enables you to do your medical job well without falling apart in traumatic circumstances.

Imagine if everyone in difficult medical roles was super attuned to the emotional state of others, it would be exhausting, lead to poor decision making and burn out - leading to lack of appropriate support for patients.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that less intense empathetic feelings can be functional and quite valuable in some situations; there is no one right way to feel and you can act with great care towards others from a more detached place.