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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn't normal...or is it

16 replies

namechanged340 · 08/02/2022 21:53

No one else to talk to and not sure what's just gone in I'm really confused
Partner of 3 year came over to me as was sat on couch and I knew he wanted sex I said no several times too tired etc he held my hands down but was laughing when he did it
I kept saying no I didn't want too
He carried on touching me
I didn't want too have sex but granted once we got into it I enjoyed it
Afterwards - tmi I apologise it was rough sex he said ' that's what you get for making me wait so long ' we last had sex Friday and with a 1 year old I personally don't think that's a long time
I feel sick I've came straight to bed and laid here could burst into tears, I don't think this is rape as once we got into it I did enjoyed it but think it's just the fact that after I said no several times he carried on anyways knowing I didn't want sex no real point to this post just need someone to tell Xxxx

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 08/02/2022 21:58

If your very best friend told you this had just happened to her... what would you say to her?
That is your answer.
This will only get worse.
There is no respect there for you.
Run... do not look back.

TracyMosby · 08/02/2022 22:00

He is a rapist and did it to punish you for not having sex with him sooner. Awful man. Who can you contact for help?

TokyoSushi · 08/02/2022 22:08

OP that's really awful, I hope you're ok. Honestly I would be making plans to leave this man.

Ionlydomassiveones · 08/02/2022 22:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 08/02/2022 22:12

he forced you into sex and then was rough so he hurt you and you said no several times.

It was rape OP and considering he thinks it is a long wait since Friday it wont be the last time this happens

Please get help Police/Rape Crisis/Womens Aid

PerseverancePays · 08/02/2022 22:17

Your feelings are not wrong, listen to them. This man is not treating you right and you don't have to stay with him.
Do you have family you can go and stay with to have some space?

ImInStealthMode · 08/02/2022 22:26

This is awful OP. He raped you.

I understand the way you felt, I was with a man for years who would sulk / nag / sometimes persist until I gave in to shut him up but he never ever forced himself on me or touched me like that without consent and if he had I'd have ripped his balls clean off his body (or been angry enough to).

Better advice will come from others but please consider if you want to continue to live with, and have your child live with, a man capable of this.

ifoundthebread · 08/02/2022 22:33

I said no several times too tired etc he held my hands down but was laughing when he did it
I kept saying no I didn't want too
He carried on touching me

What part of this sounds okay?

MNHQ

LivMumsnet · 08/02/2022 22:42

Hi there, @namechanged340 - we're sorry to hear what you're going through and we thought that you might find our webguide useful.

Dyrene · 08/02/2022 22:53

The thing is, it is hard to recognise your partner as a rapist because we imagine rapists to be somehow alien. Our partners couldn’t possibly be like that. After all, we know them and they’re not awful people.

But all sorts of men are sexually coercive. Men you’d never expect (and people on the outside would never believe it). What makes them rapists is that they insist on having sex in the absence of consent. Even in the presence of active dissent.

You know it’s not ok - that’s why you went to bed and cried after he totally ignored your overt lack of consent and made it clear that the roughness was a punishment for that.

It would be a very good idea to give your local rape crisis a call tomorrow when it’s safe to do so. They can help you process this and figure out what the right next steps are for you.

StopStartStop · 08/02/2022 22:57

Rape.
Put a stop to this 'relationship' immediately. You are not safe with him.

NeverChange · 08/02/2022 23:23

I'm so sorry this happened you. It's not normal or excusable in any way. As difficult as it may be to hear, it is rape.

Please don't try deal with alone. Please reach out to Women Aid or the Rape Crisis Centre for support.

Chloemol · 08/02/2022 23:47

You said no, a number of times, he continued and ignored you, then told you you deserved what you got with rough sex

That’s rape

I don’t know what you would want to do moving forward but he is no example to your child and I would be leaving

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/02/2022 23:52

It is rape OP, because he forced you into it. Whether you later gave consent / gave in or not is not the point. When you started to have sex, it was by force. And he used rough sex as a punishment.

Ring rape crisis in the morning so you can talk it through.

But if you were advising a friend would you think this was a safe environment for her, or a healthy one for her child?

RoyKentsChestHair · 08/02/2022 23:57

No, it’s not normal. I’m sorry he did that to you. You may not be comfortable calling it rape, but he certainly didn’t seem to care that you didn’t want sex and he did, so he did it anyway. There’s a word for that. The fact that you went on to actually enjoy it isn’t the point. His attitude to you not wanting to do it is the problem.

Rodion · 09/02/2022 00:06

It doesn't matter whether it qualifies for the title of rape or not. It was not the way any man should have behaved, least of all one who is supposed to be in a loving relationship with you and care about your feelings.

The comment about 'that's what you get for making me wait so long' in response to you not liking how rough it was shows a deep disrespect that couldn't even be argued as mixed signals etc. How horrible for you. Trust how it made you feel

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