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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my brother emotionally abusing his wife?

30 replies

May182 · 08/02/2022 21:21

I had a chat with my sister in law today and I’m really concerned about what she told me about her and my brother’s relationship. Both her and myself have recently had babies so I know hormones/emotions may be running high anyway but I just wanted to hear if anyone else has experienced this and what I should do.

So my brother and sister in law have a 3 month old baby and since they’ve had the baby, she said their relationship has changed (which I know is normal but there’s more to it). He only texts her to check in on the baby and doesn’t ask how she is doing. He doesn’t show her any affection anymore, he doesn’t help with housework and she has asked him to help as she’s finding it difficult to cope.

Apparently his response was that he’s working, she’s on maternity leave and that she’s nagging him. She’s cried to him during these arguments and he says by crying that she’s playing the victim and making it all about her. If she gives up during an argument and stops talking to him, he calls her names in the heat of the moment and has told her to go f* herself. I’m astounded that my brother would act this way but I can’t see why his wife would be making this up.

She said she feels like she’s constantly treading on egg shells at home, that she’s a shell of who she used to be, but thinks she may have post natal depression.

I really want to help her, but I’m unsure what to do. Do I speak to my brother? My parents? Or should I just keep checking in with her? Any advice is greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/02/2022 09:42

@crossstitchingnana

knittingaddict abuse is someone who takes power and control away from someone, through threat and fear. I am not hearing this. Yes, his behaviour is questionable but not abusive.
Thats one form of abuse.

Another form is shouting and swearing at your partner and callling them nasty names.

Even if you don't consider that abuse (and I'm really not sure why you wouldnt) it is a toxic environment for anyone to be in, let alone someone who has just had a baby.

Mammy7 · 26/10/2022 19:06

Can anyone help? My brother is 22 and lives with his girlfriend and 2 small children. She is emotionally abusing him, saying things like she will hurt herself if he leaves etc. She has admitted to cheating on him with several other men and is even pregnant to one of them. She goes out for days on end refuses to come back or communicate. She is verbally abusive to me and my family and is controlling when he can speak to us which is getting less and less. My brother can’t work due to all of this as he keeps losing his jobs to her spiralling out of control and being left to look after the children when she is out for days. My mam has thought about calling social services but is worried my brother won’t forgive her if anything happens to the children. But we don’t know what to do as a family anymore? Who can we speak to for advice or help?

knittingaddict · 27/10/2022 09:03

Mammy7 · 26/10/2022 19:06

Can anyone help? My brother is 22 and lives with his girlfriend and 2 small children. She is emotionally abusing him, saying things like she will hurt herself if he leaves etc. She has admitted to cheating on him with several other men and is even pregnant to one of them. She goes out for days on end refuses to come back or communicate. She is verbally abusive to me and my family and is controlling when he can speak to us which is getting less and less. My brother can’t work due to all of this as he keeps losing his jobs to her spiralling out of control and being left to look after the children when she is out for days. My mam has thought about calling social services but is worried my brother won’t forgive her if anything happens to the children. But we don’t know what to do as a family anymore? Who can we speak to for advice or help?

You really need to start your own thread. You won't get proper advice if you tag it on to another thread.

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 27/10/2022 12:33

Hi @Mammy7 we just wanted to suggest that you start your own thread - we think you will get more advice and support if you do this. If you need help on how to start a thread please use the report function on the bottom right of your post and we will guide you through the steps.
Best wishes,
MNHQ

Catlover1970 · 27/10/2022 12:38

Pinkbonbon · 09/02/2022 06:08

@CheekyHobson

Couples councilling is never recommended where there is abuse. Also, please please do not try to rationalise his behaviour by suggesting he is stressed by baby. Often when people reach a point of confiding in others about nasty behaviour, they have already made all the excuses in the book for this person. They don't need ppl suggesting they make more. It can make them feel as if they are overreacting and cause them to stay in the abusive relationship.

@Pinkbonbon It has literally only been three months since the baby was born.

I know you take a hard line on the idea that abusers all clearly know they're being abusive and never change but this is not reality. People can and do go through bad or difficult phases where they do not behave at their best.

I would never suggest someone stay in an abusive relationship but I also don't think you can or should write someone off as a hopeless case at the first sign of unhealthy behaviour. Everyone deserves to be given a chance to acknowledge their mistakes and change.

No, no they don't. I don't care how stressed you are, calling your partner a bunch of nasty names when she has literally just had your baby is not something you should be looking to excuse or forgive.

I do take the approach that abusers can't change, for the most part. However we do not know the full in and outs of this situation. Based on what we do know though, she should still leave asap though as she has a newborn and he is being nasty af to her. And I'm.sorry, but there is NO excuse for it.

IF it is a momentary mental health issue and he has never been this way before then HE should seek counciling and see his gp. And maybe a few years down the line, if he really proves himself better, they can talk about forgiveness or perhaps, though I wouldn't recommend it, trying again. But as is, no, she certainly does not have to look for excuses for his behavior or give him another chance. She needs to get out of this toxic environment and focus on her newborn baby.

Must be great being such a relationship ‘expert’ !!!!!!!

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