Worrying he doesn’t actually want me

[Wineandcakefortea]

I’m having issues moving on from my boyfriend’s past dates.
When we first started speaking he was talking to other women too and went on to date one of them in particular. Of course it wasn’t cheating he wasn’t exclusive with either of us and I know it’s common for people to see several people at once in the early stages.
However it hurt me a lot he picked her and still does.
He took her to some lovely places and they seemed to have a great bond. (She put updates on a Facebook group for our local area, that’s how I found out, I wasn’t spying).
I continued to talk to him as we had so much in common and got on great, but accepted he chose her.
Well skip to a few months later they didn’t progress, she was talking to other men on the group and going on other dates, I confronted him about her and he admitted everything and some time later we made a go of it.
We’re 5 months in and it’s going great, we met each other’s families recently and see each other most days.
But my issue that keeps coming up is that we have never done anything together that amounts to the things he done with the other woman. I know comparison is terrible and I try not to, but I told him it hurt me and I want us to have nice dates and do more together.
So he took me to one of the places he took her. He doesn’t know I know. It was like a slap in the face and upset me. I don’t know if I’m over reacting but it made me feel really under valued on top of feeling like I was his second option as he couldn’t be with her. I can’t raise this with him as he’ll know I was looking out for further updates at the time. I caught him glance to a particular spot where I presume they sat, and it made me panic that he misses her and wished they were together instead.
Perhaps I’m just insecure and need to move on, but as his girlfriend and the one he says he will marry I feel down that he doesn’t make as much effort with us as he did with her. I’ll always wonder if he wishes he could turn back time and try again with her, although he assured me he doesn’t want anyone but me. He’d rather stay in and get a take away than take me for a nice dinner for example, which is fine occasionally but not every time.
My friend thinks I should end it because he will never change and I’ll never be happy, but I don’t want this to ruin us I intend to make us work out if I can.
Any wise (kind) words please mumsnetters?

Maybe she arranged some of the exciting things they did. Do you arrange for things for you both to do?

Jealousy over someone's past is very pointless and destructive. If you can't forget about it and leave it behind you then I think you should end this relationship and move on.

OP - your post reads as if you are very young and live in some other era….
Time when men ‘took women to dates…’ and ‘married them’.

If you want to go out, instead of sitting at home - what is stoping you? Why are you this passive and expect everything to be done/planned/decided by a man?
And as to visiting the same places he’s been - this is what people do - they know a few places and keep going there. Especially when they don’t know you have followed his dates with his ex online.

As to your jealousy over that ex - it’s your issue. He dated her, as it seems rather casually. You must have dated and had good time with other men.
But if you are feeling this way - maybe you shouldn’t be in this, or any, relationships, until you deal with your insecurities

@chilli1212

Maybe she arranged some of the exciting things they did. Do you arrange for things for you both to do?

Jealousy over someone's past is very pointless and destructive. If you can't forget about it and leave it behind you then I think you should end this relationship and move on.

Yeah I agree. He is with you now. That is really all that matters, surely? If you want to go to exciting places then plan it. But to be upset that he took you somewhere he took her, seems a little silly. Especially as it came after you basically saying you wanted to be treated the way he treated her.

I think you are being a little insecure here and possibly overreacting - the point you make about him glancing to a spot and assuming it is where he sat with her..... Honestly? I don't think men are this deep!!

Please please just try to move on and stop comparing the situation. He is with you. Not her.

I think it’s all a bit soured and would move on.

I always plans things for us to do so he agreed he would pick the next plans, I don’t expect the man to do everything in an old fashioned sense whatsoever.

Sounds like he wanted her tbh- and didn’t like that she wasn’t exclusive with him from the off whilst he was free to play the field.

Were you dating anyone else? Or did you make it very clear he was the only bloke who you were seeing?

Ignore the poster who seems to be acting like wanting men to plan a bloody date is singlehandedly upholding the patriarchy- blokes who are interested and giddy for a woman will want to impress her with nice activities, to show they are a man of action….as it seems you know well.

You're definitely very insecure, what you're feeling isn't conducive to healthy relationship. Either work through these issues and intrusive thoughts or end it so you can both he happier either single or with someone else.

Remember, comparison is the thief of joy.

And I’m sorry that didn’t come out kindly- I’m aware it’s pretty shit to hear.

But a man who could plan romantic activities for another woman is more than capable of doing that for you.

Slightly different scenario but I have a bitter and anxious DFriend who can’t get over that his ex got spa days, candlelit dinners and jewellery- and she has to beg him to get off the sofa and to get the cinema with her. Comparison may be the thief of joy- but sometimes it confirms the truth.

You mentioned you were speaking. Had you met him yet?
Just trying to get a timeline of what went on.

I wasn’t dating and he knew I was only speaking to him. We met each other soon after talking and met regularly after that but we didn’t have dates, I guess because he couldn’t afford two lots of expensive dates at once. We were definitely more friends early on before feelings came into it, which was when he’d been dating the other woman for a while. I know I should see it that I am with him and she isn’t, but it isn’t nice to know he done lovely things for her but hasn’t for me after 5+ months.

I have to say, I find that a lot of my exes (I am good at staying friends) take their new love interests to places i took them to. I usually always pick, and take a long time to find things and it’s always good fun and different and my friends often make me pick where we go for that reason.

Up your own game, don’t expect him to. If you want to go nice places, go. Not just to be better than her or have a nicer time with him than she did, but because you want to and like it. There’s your ultimate happiness, right there.

I think guys often plan things they either enjoy themselves or they have done qith a partner before. I don't think it is a case of them wishing they were still with that person, but that they know it was enjoyable to them and who they were with, so hope it will also be for you.

Last weekend bf and I went to a concert. He got the tickets before we were going out. I figured it was the sort of thing he went to with his ex just from convos we had had. What neither of us knew was that she would be there too. Now that was awkward! and could easily bring up some insecurities. But I know rationally that he took me as it was something we would both like. We also both have tickets to something else later in the year that I am expecting her to be at. Now before any MNetters jump in here, he is not trying to turn me into her or a replacement for her, it is just a coincidence.

One thing to bear in mind is that he may just be more comfortable and content with you than he was with her, which would explain why he's happier to stay in than plan to go out for fancy dinners etc.

Men show their happiness in different ways so don't just assume he's wishing he was with her when in truth he is likely more content with you...otherwise surely he wouldn't be with you at all. Particularly as he's talking about a future with you! Try not to let your insecurities ruin things OP. I know it's hard in the early stages as I used to stress about my hubbys ex for reasons that have some similarities. Ultimately all it does is cause unnecessary stress for no reason.
If you feel strongly about it then talk to him rather than let it eat away at you but I would definitely consider that he's probably just more content having simple unpretentious evenings with you than he ever was with her.

OP, when you get the takeaways and occasionally go out, who pays? Does he treat you, do you treat him or is it straight down the middle?

Also, how old are you both?

These might sound like odd questions, but I’m going somewhere with them. I promise!

We take turns paying but I try to pay more just because I feel uncomfortable when others pay for me, I’m very independent and have gone it alone since I was 14. He does offer so it’s not a disrespect thing on his part.
We’re both 28.
I do appreciate all your replies and helpful advice, I know I’m being silly but I can’t help wondering if he still thinks about her. I even had the dreaded thought during sex a while back which I know is unhealthy and abnormal to consider.
We have agreed to have a proper chat and get things out in the open so I will ask more about her for peace of mind as he is aware I’m still insecure about her.

OMG this "exclusive" crap, nasty trend from America.

It's a way for people to cheat without having to use the word cheat. By the way of basic Maths someone will always get hurt in this situation.

Don't let people convince you that this is acceptable. Anyone who is dating someone else whilst dating you is not someone you would want to be with as they clearly view other people as disposable.