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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My house, my rules?

20 replies

Myturnatlast · 08/02/2022 12:43

DD18 & I have lived on our own for the last 6 years & once she was 16 I agreed to her long term boyfriend sleeping over (as long as couldn't hear anything!!)

She's now single and I'm not. I said to her the other day that my BF might be staying over soon & she said she wasn't happy with that if she's in the house but that she will try to stay at her friend's.

I pointed out that she was being hypocritical as her BF had been allowed to stay & she said it was different as her BF wasn't filling anyone's shoes & mine would be taking her dad's place.

For the record she has a terrible relationship with her dad, calls him all the names under the sun & barely sees him.

AIBU to put my foot down over this one or should I let her dictate what I can do? She's quite bossy about other stuff too and I feel like she's taking all the power which is what her dad was like and it's stressing me out! I can't work out what to do for the best...

OP posts:
DoucheCanoe · 08/02/2022 12:49

You tell her he's coming over in advance and let her make plans to stay elsewhere for the evening if that's what she wants to do.

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/02/2022 12:50

She's an adult, neither of you can "dictate" to the other, but you get more say because you're the one paying the bills. If dd doesn't like it, she can move out - but better to have a grown up conversation, if she can manage that.

Don't be bullied by your own child.

Karatema · 08/02/2022 12:50

Exactly as you've said: Your house, your rules.

I would try to keep the noise down. My adult son pointed out that from his bedroom he could hear when we, his DP, made love. He was embarrassed. He understood it was natural but that didn't stop him being embarrassed and once he pointed this out, we were embarrassed too! Blush

IcicleIcicle · 08/02/2022 13:03

She's pushing boundaries OP and at her age I would stand firm, she's (just about) an adult and needs to get her head around a more adult relationship with you. You sound generally considerate and it's perfectly reasonable for you to make it clear that you expect the same from her. If she chooses to make herself scarce that's up to her but as long as you're discreet in the same way you expected her to be with her BF so she can be at home if she wants to be then I think that's all you need to do. So yes, your house your rules to some degree but what you're wanting to do doesn't have to interfere with her life unless she chooses to make it into an issue.

Original poster
Myturnatlast · 08/02/2022 13:09

You lot talk so much sense! I was getting my head into a knot worrying about this but you're right, I just need to give her a bit of notice then it's up to her what she does, it doesn't need to be a big issue!
And of course we'd be quiet if she was there, she's always respected this rule with her BF so it's only fair.

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
gogohm · 08/02/2022 13:15

My sympathies, I had this scenario! Dd was basically annoyed I found someone else but started saying she wasn't comfortable with him staying when her boyfriend regularly stayed!

The good news is she did get used to it, I decided to move away and her dad moved back into the house - she's since moved in with me and dp!

Original poster
Myturnatlast · 08/02/2022 13:41

So glad it's not just me Grin

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 08/02/2022 13:47

I suppose it's only natural for the dac to try to take over the adult role, but don't let her get away with it myturnatlast. You're the boss, not her.

Pinkbonbon · 08/02/2022 13:58

Qs long as she gets plenty of notice to be 3lsewhwre then I think its fine. But I wouldn't want some guy trapsing about my home if I was a teen either. Nor would I want to be the parent doing that yo them. Its her space, she gas every right to be uncomfortable with a man she doesn't know it it. Just because you were OK with her having a bf over, doesn't mean she needs to feel the same.

Limit it to when she is not there.

Pinkbonbon · 08/02/2022 13:59

Sorry, bloody sun on my phone screen lol

Naunet · 08/02/2022 14:18

Why would you ever consider, for even a moment, letting your daughter lay down rules for you in your own home where you pay the bills?! Madness…

Original poster
Myturnatlast · 08/02/2022 14:27

@Naunet

Why would you ever consider, for even a moment, letting your daughter lay down rules for you in your own home where you pay the bills?! Madness…
Guilt mainly. I threw her dad out for having an affair and have been trying to make it up to her ever since. It's something I'm working on but it's hard, hence asking for help here.
OP posts:
tiredofthisshit21 · 08/02/2022 14:28

Why would you ever consider, for even a moment, letting your daughter lay down rules for you in your own home where you pay the bills?! Madness…

100% agree with this. It's not like the OP is parading a new man in the house every week. It sounds like the daughter needs to grow up.

Naunet · 08/02/2022 14:38

That’s not your guilt to carry, let yourself off the hook. HE decided to cheat, and you showed your daughter that it’s unacceptable behaviour - there’s a good (if painful) lesson in there for her. You’re not responsible for his choices though, leave the guilt to him.

Original poster
Myturnatlast · 08/02/2022 14:41

@Naunet

That’s not your guilt to carry, let yourself off the hook. HE decided to cheat, and you showed your daughter that it’s unacceptable behaviour - there’s a good (if painful) lesson in there for her. You’re not responsible for his choices though, leave the guilt to him.
You're absolutely right, I know you are, I'm working on it I promise Smile
OP posts:
Naunet · 08/02/2022 14:47

Maybe some therapy might help you to shed it? I know for me I can know how I should feel about something, and all the reasons why, but actually believing it to the point of change, is a lot harder!

Good luck OP, remember to be kind to yourself too!

Original poster
Myturnatlast · 08/02/2022 15:10

Thank you @Naunet Smile

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 08/02/2022 15:20

BTW is not distress about someone filling her dad’s place .

It’s disbelief and embarrassment that anyone as old as you can can actually have a sex life. And unwillingness to accept that you are a fully functioning adult with your own wants and needs and not just a Mummy robot.

IcicleIcicle · 08/02/2022 16:21

@M0RVEN

BTW is not distress about someone filling her dad’s place .

It’s disbelief and embarrassment that anyone as old as you can can actually have a sex life. And unwillingness to accept that you are a fully functioning adult with your own wants and needs and not just a Mummy robot.

Exactly this, and also Naunet's post, you need to resist the mum-guilt!
CPL593H · 08/02/2022 21:23

It sounds like she has had some adult rights for a while and with that should come the understanding that other people (even you, the Mum-bot) are free to exercise them too. Give her notice so if she wishes to decamp, she can.

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