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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice - Does she see me as more than a friend

18 replies

RM19834 · 08/02/2022 12:36

I have known the most wonderful woman for around 8 months now, we are both single. In the last 2 months I would say we have developed a very close firendship and in this time I have realised I want to get to know her on a relationship basis.

The thing is I don't want to ruin our friendship if she does not feel the same way.

I am 40 and she is 32.

We do things togther (just the two of us) most weeks, be it meals out, road tips or just meals at each others houses. We also voice message most days.

In the past 2 months she has shared with me about her life and her past struggles, drugs, multiple abortions etc. But she has overcome these to be a hugly sucessful woman with an amazing career and is the warmest and kindest person I have know.

She has also shared with me a major health scare in the past two months, she did not even tell her parents!

She has also said that I am her go to person for advice and she hugly respects my opinion over anyone else (I'm a little uncomforatble with this)

She has become very tactile with me over the past two months lots of hugs and touches here and there.

She constantly says how much she enjoys spending time with me and that she can be herself around me.

Her mum apparently joked we should get togther (yes I have met her parents many times). But she just says she values our friendship and its special to that.

I can't help think she see's me as a close friend, but likewsie I am not sure if she does not want to say for fear of spoling things like me.

We are both dating and on daitng sites, and talk about that with each other.

OP posts:

blue30 · 08/02/2022 13:01

I would say that as it’s unlikely that you will be so close and tactile in the future once you’ve both found partners via the apps there seems to be little to loose by ‘making a move’. There’s that saying about it being better to regret something you have done than something you haven’t. Do you think it would be a good long term prospect if it worked out?

Original poster

RM19834 · 08/02/2022 13:06

@blue30

We do have a lot in common with many a shared interests. The only thing I would worry is in the past (including her last relationhship), they get intense quickly then they are over, and they have turned abusive in the past. She has said she want's a normal relationhsip with a good man but I would worry I would be boring for her based on her past.

For me its how would you tell her about my feelings without risking a friendship.

OP posts:

CrystalCoco · 08/02/2022 13:24

If she's spending so much time with you and both enjoying each other's company then I doubt she finds you boring.

If your pride can take the denting if she does say no, then I'd say go for it. If you're prepared to accept her answer either way and still carry on with the friendship then what do you have to lose.

Pinkbonbon · 08/02/2022 13:34

Tbh I think if she saw you as more than a friend, she wouldn't be discussing her dating life with you. That comment about her liking the friendship as well is textbook 'so don't get ideas as i don't like you in a romantic way' too.

But you could just flat out ask 'would you like to go out on a date sometime? Or should we keep this as a just friend thing? I'm happy either way, just thought we should clarify'.

Original poster

RM19834 · 08/02/2022 14:15

@Pinkbonbon

But you could just flat out ask 'would you like to go out on a date sometime? Or should we keep this as a just friend thing? I'm happy either way, just thought we should clarify'.

That was kind of my reading of the situation when she commented on what a great friendship we have and the fact she talks about the dates she goes on .

She has also commented in the past that most male friends hit on her after a couple of weeks and thanked me for not doing that. But this was before we got closer and she shared a lot of things with me. It was this point I realized how special she was .

But then she also says things like no man has ever got me like you do . And at Christmas I got her a small gift and she kept on saying how perfect it was and all her other gifts were rubbish .

When she talks about the type of man she wants to meet she is describing me. And has described me like that on other occasions.

The fact she shares so much about her past, it was seriously wild child and her recent health scares, I'm pleased she feels able to talk through three with me. She has said no good man would want her based on her past, is she testing my opinion on this as in would I date.

I'm just a little confused as to where I stand. I have female friends and none have been so open with me before.

OP posts:

MuffinStrops · 08/02/2022 14:32

I think you just need to be honest with her. Whatever happens happens.

Blushinggerbil · 08/02/2022 14:39

She’s already answered you - ‘ But she just says she values our friendship and its special to that’.

Pinkbonbon · 08/02/2022 14:40

Tbh op I'm.getting dramalama love bomber vibes from her the way you are describing her..maybe just because tht sounds like the sorta shit a girl narcissist that was once a pal of mine would say to con guys. 'Oh nobody gets me like you', 'i've had such a hard life ect ect'. Just be careful.

It sounds like you might be wise to keep her as just a pal tbh.

LemonTang · 08/02/2022 14:59

The intense relationships and some of the other things you have mentioned sound a bit like a red flags. She is the common denominator in these unhealthy relationships.

Personally, I have found it disappointing when people I deemed friends, and I had been explicit about it being a friendship, made a move. I thought we were two people who platonically enjoyed each other’s company and felt saddened when I wondered if they only ever saw me as potential sex.

Have you posted before and this is the woman who used to be your PT?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/02/2022 17:02

I think you've posted about this before OP and are maybe hoping for different answers?

Blushinggerbil · 08/02/2022 17:10

Yeah I agree with @Pinkbonbon it comes across like she’s planting seeds about woe is me. Intensity isn’t good.

Catlover1970 · 08/02/2022 17:17

I think you have posted about this before. Make a decision and stick with it

irene9 · 08/02/2022 17:45

She's love bombing you. That sounds like the way she negotiates relationships. You are either Amazing or if you cross her then you are the devil himself. She overvalues and idealises people the devalues and discards them.
She overshares with people, trusts them too easily then later resents them for hurting her feelings and accuses them of taking advantage of her good and trusting nature. But not recognising her part in that dynamic.
You are just an ordinary human being like everyone else, aren't you?
But she has your head turned by elevating you to Godlike status. Just understand the personality you are dealing with. It wouldn't be an easy relationship. She can only' cope now because you are not romantically involved. Things might change if the current status changes. Listen to how she speaks about others in her life who have done her wrong, because she'd be talking about you like that some day.

GlamorousHeifer · 08/02/2022 19:08

OP, she sounds like a walking hurricane and you are wilfully standing in her path....run for the bloody hills!

PoshPyjamas · 08/02/2022 19:48

Nobody gets her like you do? Oh come on OP - you’re 40, surely you can see through this!

IceFemonLanta · 08/02/2022 19:51

@irene9

She's love bombing you. That sounds like the way she negotiates relationships. You are either Amazing or if you cross her then you are the devil himself. She overvalues and idealises people the devalues and discards them. She overshares with people, trusts them too easily then later resents them for hurting her feelings and accuses them of taking advantage of her good and trusting nature. But not recognising her part in that dynamic. You are just an ordinary human being like everyone else, aren't you? But she has your head turned by elevating you to Godlike status. Just understand the personality you are dealing with. It wouldn't be an easy relationship. She can only' cope now because you are not romantically involved. Things might change if the current status changes. Listen to how she speaks about others in her life who have done her wrong, because she'd be talking about you like that some day.

This is so spot on. Read that post again and again.

Pinkbonbon · 08/02/2022 19:53

@PoshPyjamas

Nobody gets her like you do? Oh come on OP - you’re 40, surely you can see through this!

Massaging the male ego seems to often blind them to a con.

I mean we could be overthinking it tbf but it definately sounds dodgy.

OldEvilOwl · 08/02/2022 20:22

Is this your fitness instructor? you have asked about this before, and obviously didn't like the replies. Your her client, you are paying her to be nice to you

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