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Original poster

Partner messaging ex

19 replies

Soconfused88mum · 08/02/2022 12:23

I feel so silly as a 35 year old mum writing this

My partner father of my kids gets drunk and messages other women on social media mostly ones he doesn't know. However this weekend he messaged his ex fiancée. We were out on a date night came home and I seen him delete something in the taxi kept asking him he said he couldn't remember.

I then checked his SM and seen he had searched her up asked him about it he said he couldn't remember so I blocked her. (Childish I know) yesterday afternoon I got an urge to check again and seen he had changed his password. I checked his email and seen he had a message from her on SM asked him about it and he said he changed his password because he didn't want me to see it. He wanted to tell me when we got home but he deleted the messages...

One I seen was along the lines off from her 'you had messaged asking how I was you must have been very drunk if you messaged me' he has promised that will be it but when I asked him why he unblocked her he said it was because I didn't have any right to block her (which yes I didn't) but I feel he was wanting to open the lines of communication as he recently found out she is now single. Today he is being very off with me I'm so awful for reading his messages I am hard to live with, he hasn't been happy for months but is staying for the kids.

Is he playing a blinder here on me? Things haven't been good for a while a lot of stress should I just call it quits

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 08/02/2022 12:43

Dump him, you don't trust him and why would you???

layladomino · 08/02/2022 12:49

Yes I don't know where you can go from there. He has lied. He contacts other women behind your back. He gaslights. He's told you he isn't happy and is only staying for the children.

You'd be better off without him.

LittleWins · 08/02/2022 12:51

You can't want to live like this. He won't change.

I would run for the hills

Original poster
Soconfused88mum · 08/02/2022 13:03

So I'm not mad he is wrong isn't he? There's no excuse

OP posts:
lady725516 · 08/02/2022 13:37

I couldn't be with someone who messaged other women. He doesn't respect you.

You deserve someone who will make you happy and treat you right

haismfh · 08/02/2022 13:39

Awful.
He messages other women on social media.
And now he messages his ex fiancee presumably because she's now single.

Dump him. He should have been dumped for the getting drunk and messaging women in the first place.
This will never get better.

bigbeatmanifesto · 08/02/2022 13:44

He's an idiot why does he need to message other women when he's drunk?
I couldn't trust him.

IrishKatie1971 · 08/02/2022 13:48

He's untrustworthy and has quite probably already cheated. I could not have this man under my roof. He would be out.

Original poster
Soconfused88mum · 08/02/2022 14:02

He has told me he doesn't know why he does this when drunk. Now it has always been like random girls on his explore page from insta this is the first time it's been someone 'known'. And the fact he unblocked her he said he thought he'd messaged her but couldn't remember. Then when she replied his heart sank as he felt so bad but he replied back to her saying I was drunk what did I say...

Why unblock her as then no message would have came through and then why reply to her. He's now focusing on the fact I don't trust him as I checked up on him

OP posts:
EarthSight · 08/02/2022 14:09

If you think you are 'mad' to think this is wrong, then that speaks to how low your bar has got. Either it was low in the first place or it's low from being with him

messages other women on social media mostly ones he doesn't know

I'm surprised that this alone wasn't part of the heading. You need to trust your partner when he's drunk otherwise he shouldn't be drinking at all. Imagine if every time he got drunk he got £500 out of your savings and blew it on gambling. This is the sort of damage he's inflicting on the relationship.

I think the reason why you're focusing on the ex is because you think it's now getting very 'real'. In a way it has, but he was already massively disrespecting you before this by contacting these other women. I would say there's a good chance he was doing this for sexual encounters, not just an ego boost. What next - will you be discovering texts in relation to prostitutes? Does he gave an OnlyFans account?

Get yourself STD tested. He's clearly not happy in this relationship so he needs to be honest.

EarthSight · 08/02/2022 14:14

@Soconfused88mum

He has told me he doesn't know why he does this when drunk. Now it has always been like random girls on his explore page from insta this is the first time it's been someone 'known'. And the fact he unblocked her he said he thought he'd messaged her but couldn't remember. Then when she replied his heart sank as he felt so bad but he replied back to her saying I was drunk what did I say...

Why unblock her as then no message would have came through and then why reply to her. He's now focusing on the fact I don't trust him as I checked up on him

Oh God that's pathetic.

Of course he bloody knows. He's like a dog with his tongue out ffs.

If you want to stay with him, he needs to quit drinking. No alcohol at all for the rest of his life with you and make it a dealbreaker. Either he chooses you, or he chooses the alcohol.

If he can't be relied upon to respect you when he drinks, then the drinking needs to totally stop.

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/02/2022 14:21

Of course you don't trust him ffs. He has proven time and time again that he is untrustworthy.

The whole I was drunk and can't remember is bollox! If he was so drunk he can't remember, he'd be too drunk to be able to see his phone, let alone type a message that wasn't total gibberish.

I'd say that the fact he's gotten away with messaging strangers and been about to flip it round on you (not trusting, snooping), means he's secure enough that he has escalated to exs with no fear that you'll dump him.

Why he's doing it is not complicated or deep: because he wants to, because there are no consequences other than a bit of effort to turn it round on you. You should be asking yourself why you are willing to do about it!

He's never going to stop so you have 3 choices:

  1. Continue as you are, catching him out, being upset, in a continuous never ending loop.
  2. Accept it and never think about it again.
  3. Leave him.
Fuckityfucksake · 08/02/2022 14:32

He needs to be fucked off OP,

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings or your relationship.
I'd help him out with his latest revelation regarding his unhappiness...by packing his bags ready for him to piss off, taking his head fuckery with him.

Original poster
Soconfused88mum · 08/02/2022 14:39

I've asked him to stop drinking before and he has cut down. When we were out sat her name was mentioned by people in our company otherwise he said he wouldn't have looked her up. And what is infuriating is the guy she was dumped by was the guy she cheated with on my partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfused88mum · 08/02/2022 14:43

I asked him if he missed her and he said no he missed the easiness of their relationship (they had no kids could go out with friends separately any time they wanted go away etc) we don't have that as we have three kids. Oh and last night told me he doesn't believe in love he has strong feelings for me

OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 08/02/2022 14:50

It's bad enough to be messaging other women, that would be a deal breaker for me, add messaging his ex and lying about it. Game over I'm afraid

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 08/02/2022 18:58

Sounds like you can't be together. Is shared access to your children something you could live with?

Original poster
Soconfused88mum · 08/02/2022 19:10

Yes I have told him I am fine with him seeing the children as regularly as he would want however if we break up he is going to move back to his home town which is one hour away...his friends there are all settled and his family isn't overly close so it's another reason that baffles me how he doesn't want to leave the kids but will move away from the town his children live in.

He's just home from work and asked me why I looked so sad when I told him he said are you still going on about this. I know there is no way back from this but there is a lot to sort out. I have been divorced before so I'm not worried about being alone and lonely I honestly couldn't have another man around me it's more the financials side I need to sort

OP posts:
haismfh · 08/02/2022 19:21

Why unblock her as then no message would have came through and then why reply to her. He's now focusing on the fact I don't trust him as I checked up on him

Yeah, deflecting by focussing on you being at fault for checking....

You should leave him OP.

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