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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting over fears

5 replies

prettygreenteacup · 08/02/2022 11:53

After years of misery, emotional and financial abuse and being repeatedly cheated on by my exH, I am in a totally wonderful relationship with an equally wonderful man. We've been together nearly 6 months and we both agree we can see this having a future. He is amazing and reminding me exactly of how I deserve to be treated by someone. He is absolutely great.

My question is not really anything about him or anything he's done or not done. We communicate easily and openly and he knows and understands the big steps I'm taking with him in trusting someone again and letting him in. How do you move beyond that fear factor of being hurt or rejected again? I've said to him that I truly believe he is worth every bit of "risk" I might feel in being vulnerable to someone again. Is it just a case of pushing through the fears and letting time prove me wrong? He is always consistent, transparent and upfront. It's all simple with him. I know how he feels about me. Yet I still find myself feeling like I need to protect my heart from potential hurt. I know it's only natural after an awful marriage, but how do I keep moving through those feelings to not fret about things? Like...for me, suggesting we do something and maybe he says no because he's busy or has something else on...my logical head knows that's totally fine but somewhere inside it makes me think "he's rejecting you when you've put yourself out there to suggest some time together". Argh. How do I not let this overthinking take over? It was always going to feel this way being in a relationship again. I've done so much work on my healing and myself. I always knew it would feel a risk to open up again and let myself feel for someone again after everything.

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 08/02/2022 12:08

I think guarding your heart is wise OP.

Ruby0707 · 08/02/2022 12:48

I think it comes with time. I really struggled with this at the beginning of my current relationship and we are over 2 years in now. It still pops up from time to time when I least expect it.

Have you had any counselling?

prettygreenteacup · 08/02/2022 13:13

Yes, I took 2 years on my own, had counselling, and didn't look to date until I was feeling content and secure on my own two feet. I'm very self aware and I've taken the time to understand the layers to the complex healing process I've gone through and continue to go through. Its good to know this is normal - I knew there would be certain things I wouldn't experience until I was back in a relationship. It just feels so vulnerable to open up my heart again. He is someone I'm really sure is worth the risk though.

OP posts:
Ruby0707 · 08/02/2022 13:16

I found that I shut myself off from meeting anyone for a long time, thought I was happy and content on my own but when I did meet someone, it all came to the surface again.

I feel for you, it's hard. Take your time and you will get there.

mrsplum2015 · 08/02/2022 13:49

I would continue to be careful and protect yourself.
Six months in a new relationship is very soon to be thinking about a future together. It may happen but you need to experience the hard times too, and decide if you're both committed to working at things. Itsnot uncommon for men to behave like this initially and things aren't quite so great when the novelty wears off.

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