Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Is this cheating?

20 replies

TheSpecialist · 08/02/2022 10:25

Hi everyone

Bit of help and advice.

I started seeing a guy 3 months ago and we’ve told each other that we love each other. It was all very sweet.

I found out at the weekend that for the first six weeks he’d been sleeping with someone else and lying about his whereabouts. And tricking me with technology to prevent me finding out.

I also found out that he was organising sex with someone after he told me that he loved me. I don’t know if it happened. He says not.

Now, we didn’t overtly agree to be exclusive but surely at some point you do it anyway?

What do I do? I am not sure if he is trustworthy. Lies, deceit etc.

He’s very apologetic and says he didn’t know where we were heading.

Thanks.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2022 10:34

I would consider that to he cheating.

I wouldn't even need to think about it - he was telling you he loved you and arranging sex with someone else?

If he didn't know where you were heading he could have...

Initiated a conversation with you

Not told you he loved you.

You will be heading towards a whole load of emotional ain if you carry on with this one.

Although I know that it doesn't alter what anyone says on here because your brain is going to tell you it's all OK amd make excuses for him.

You need to decide for yourself what you want.

And, tbh, even if it weren't 'cheating', it's still a pretty pathetic way to behave.

LadyGagagagaga123 · 08/02/2022 10:34

Yes. End it, learn about boundaries and next time don't jump straight in. It's very unlikely you truly love someone after 3 months.

GreyCarpet · 08/02/2022 10:34

And no, he isn't trustworthy. In the slightest.

Blushinggerbil · 08/02/2022 10:36

Yes, he’s very deceptive. Run for the hills and consider yourself as having had a very lucky escape!!

CuntyMcBollocks · 08/02/2022 10:39

He knows it was wrong so that's why he lied to cover his tracks. I would definitely class it as cheating- especially after telling each other that you loved each other. That's supposed to show commitment.

TheFoundation · 08/02/2022 10:39

There's no rule book that says which things are 'cheating' and which aren't. Some people class an emotional interest in someone else as cheating, some people don't think it's cheating unless sexual intercourse takes place.

It doesn't matter if something is 'classed as' cheating. It matters whether it makes you uncomfortable. After all, something like stealing your computer isn't 'cheating', but you'd end a relationship over it, right? Labels don't matter. What you are comfortable with is what makes the rules in your relationships.

So rather than trying to work out if he's broken some kind of external 'rule', think about how he's made you feel, and whether or not you want to be in a relationship that makes you feel that way.

He tricked you. Do you want a relationship in which you get tricked? About things that are meaningful to you?

nopenottodaysatan · 08/02/2022 10:41

Well id be getting rid. Surely your worth more than this liar op?

26dX · 08/02/2022 10:42

I would class it as a form yes.

How can he "love" you but be sleeping with someone else? And did he sleep with you in between them? Because he should've told you, if they were not being safe he could give you an STI.

Move on, you're worth more.

Opentooffers · 08/02/2022 10:44

Absolutely it's cheating, if you're sleeping around with others at the start of a relationship when it's ment to be the honeymoon happy phase, you are definitely the sort to continue to do so further down the line when the novelty has worn off.
He tried to have sex with someone else FFS after saying he loved you - clearly just words to him, he doesn't really or he wouldn't have done what he has. Chuck this one back, he's not worthy.

MMmomDD · 08/02/2022 10:54

I’d be running away from ‘I L Y’s at 3 months in. Way too early.

As to exclusively from day 1 - unless it’s discussed explicitly - no reason to expect it. Your ‘relationship’ could have lasted a day or a week - back then. Same as his ‘relationship’ with whoever he was sleeping with then. He had as much commitment to you at the time, as he has to you.
With you - he clocked more - so that went on.

Use this as a learning experience. Relationship and love is a lot more than initial attraction - that you had. It’s not ‘love’, not yet anyway.
Unless you can reset and start from scratch with this guy - leave.

Naunet · 08/02/2022 12:18

He tells you he loves you and then arranges sex with someone else, within the first 3 months of your relationship? That’s the sort of “love” you can do without OP.

username1987a · 08/02/2022 12:36

Sounds like he can't keep it in his pants and is telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you on tap. He's a player OP.

Original poster

TheSpecialist · 08/02/2022 12:37

I agree. Time to walk.

OP posts:

Journeynotdestination · 08/02/2022 12:59

My ex did exactly this, although he said I love you after 4 months. Later I found out he’d been seeing someone else for 2 months after we met (sleeping together and a weekend away!) and had been carrying in with a FWB. I forgave him (he gaslighted me) and it was the worst decision I ever made. He was a liar throughout our relationship and as time went on I found out more and more deceit but I was so hooked in I couldn’t leave. It ended abusively on his part I think once he realised I completely had his number.

End it - good men don’t lie like this. He’s a wanker.

MissLC · 08/02/2022 13:01

I mean, regardless of whether it is cheating, I wouldn't be ok with it so would end it.
You have to go with how you feel about it, if you think it was cheating or can't see a way to get past it I would suggest walking away now.

scoobydoo1971 · 08/02/2022 13:03

You are one of many. He sees you as an opportunity, not a definite. Anyone can say they love another, but actions tell you if they mean it. Apart from the fact he poses a risk to your health sleeping around, if he lies about his whereabouts, he will lie about anything and everything. Please work on your boundaries as the internet has opened a world of opportunities for players to play. Not all men are like this, and if you find a good 'un, they are easy to decipher and transparent about their feelings and intentions. Sorry he behaved this way, ditch him and move on as a lesson learned.

Original poster

TheSpecialist · 08/02/2022 13:44

@Journeynotdestination

End it - good men don’t lie like this. He’s a wanker.

Thank you for this.

It makes me cringe now tbh. We were away in Cornwall when he made a big play of the “I love you” moment. Days later. Organising sex. Idiot.

OP posts:

Journeynotdestination · 08/02/2022 17:12

These types never change either. Sad, empty lives they lead! Be glad you found out sooner rather than later!

layladomino · 08/02/2022 17:22

Yes you're right. He's an idiot. He lied about being in love (or he has a very weird idea of what being in love means). If you're in love you don't arrange to sleep with other people. It doesn't cross your mind. You don't want anyone other than your gf / bf.

SO he's either a liar OR he doesn't know what love is.

Marineboy67 · 08/02/2022 17:49

I'd say that was cheating no question about it! He's a wrong un dump his arse!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread