friendship issues.

[Userno263647284]

Not sure if this is the right topic but it is relationships..

Dm has some friends. I say friends, I'm not sure they are. She's all nice to their face but runs them down to the ground behind their backs - oh she's gone huge, shes fat, she's gained weight, oh god what is she wearing, benefit scrounger, their house is a tip, bloody lesbians is some of the things that come out of her mouth about various people she's 'friends' with. If these were her true friends she wouldn't say it right? Things is, her friends are pretty nice and probably wouldn't say the same about her. She acts really nice to their face. My mum is like this with a lot of people. Runs everyone down and then all nice to their face. Quite honestly, I am sick of it.

She sees the friends she runs down more than she does more. So what is she saying about me?!

She also had another friend who she has fallen out with so many times, I know friends fall oht but they've had real awful arguments I remember when I was a kid, fall on screaming at other! After they fell out I wasn't allowed to spend to her friends kids (even though we got on well) then they would be friends agajn and we could.

Tbh this has been going on for a long time. I believe it's really damaged my ability make or sustain a solid friendship so I avoid making friends most of the time. I get paranoid that people will be nice to my face and bitch about me behind me back.

My mother also told me I'd never have friends when I was an overweight child (still a little overweight) so I get paranoid over that too.

Sounds like I'm posting this for sympathy but that's not really the point, I'm just wondering if anyone's been through the same?

I have never had my bio dad around so she's my only parent

But I can't take it much longer. I think she's emotionally damaged me over years, for many reasons apart from the above.

She always tried to control who j was friends with at school too. Like I couldn't be friends with such and such because they had a different religion, or because in her words were a bit 'rough', or because their relative had a shady past, or because they were in foster care, or because they had additional needs. The last one breaks my heart more so as my own ds had sen. I would always worry that my mum would find out and tell me off if I was to play with the child that didn't fit in her bubble of 'normal'.

I've never really had a close friend myself. I don't think it's because I'm not likeable (I don't think). It's because I just struggle with it. I know lots of people to speak to but I just don't think I'm worthy of a close friendship!

And no, I can't speak to her about this. She is really difficult to speak to and very argumentative 😪

I would distance yourself from it a bit. Mentally, and ideally physically. Do you live with her?

She sounds utterly toxic. I'm so sorry you had to grow up with this. Have you ever considered counselling to help you process it?

My mum did similar, but the reason I wouldn't get real friends was because I'm gay. People would be nice to my face, she said, but horrible about me behind my back.

Saying that she has damaged your current psychological state is giving her responsibility, currently, for your feelings. But you are responsible. If she told you that you were a raspberry jelly, you'd just laugh it off, because you'd know it to be nonsense. What she's saying bothers you because you think it might be true. You are responsible for that. Get control of it. She's talking crap. She's telling you stuff about you and your life that is purely her opinion. It's not the rules, it's not the law, it's not some sort of objective truth. Why put your faith in it, especially to the extent that it's affecting your well being?

What do you think of you? What do you think makes you unworthy of close friendships? What you think of you is all that matters. Anyone can say anything; whatever they like about you. It doesn't matter.

Thanks all. I think I was blind to it when I was younger but as I've grown older (and perhaps wiser) I've picked up on it and I'm just confused. I think I need counselling! Thing is, she doesn't realise what she's like so there's no point even talking to her about it. She has a different false perception of my childhood than I do! 😪

Sorry to hear this OP. Certainly not all people are like that but I do empathise with your fear. It’s clearly deeply rooted as she’s always been the major influence in your life. I would also distance myself as much as possible. I’ve recently started lane swimming and it’s done wonders for my mental well being. I just find it completely clears my mind to focus on the laps like that. You also get friendly with a few fellow swimmers and that could be an easy build up to building friendships with people as you don’t chat long, it’s just little pleasantries here and there. I’m overweight too and was initially worried they’d all be judging my flabby bits, but then I realised … hang on, we are ALL here to improve our flabby bits. 😂 It’s really improved my overall confidence. 🤗

My mum was similar.

No one would like me because of x, y, z perceived flaw I had.

Why couldn't I be more like X girl in my class because she was so pretty and always dressed so well.

Why didn't I just listen to the music and wear the clothes all the other girls did and then I'd have some friends.

It went on until I left home at 18.

After that she focused solely on Why no boy would ever fancy me/love me/marry me.

She showed her hand though when, after spending years telling me no one would ever find attractive (which I believed and acted upon), she told me that the only reason new friend was friends with me was because she was a lesbian and did fancy me.

What? So no man would ever find me attractive but the only lesbian I knew at the time definitely did ..?

Haven't spoken to her in 10 years.

Your mother is clearly very toxic and dysfunctional.

You have recognised this and are now seeing more and more the depth of her toxicity and you’ll never un-see it.

As a PP said, you are in control of how you deal with your feelings and beliefs. You know she’s talking shit and you already don’t believe it.

You can’t change her, but you can change you and you are in charge of how much airtime you choose to give to her. You can cut her off if you want to and you’re allowed to think ‘so what’ as to her reactions and condemnations of you or anyone else. As you say, she cannot be trusted and you’d be surprised that others are probably more aware of her dysfunction than you might realise.

Talking to her / attempting to make her see sense after a lifetime of this is very, very unlikely to have any affect other than to drain you emotionally even further than you are already.

Just think how much more relaxed you might feel if you don’t spend time with her / thinking about her?

@TheFoundation

My mum did similar, but the reason I wouldn't get real friends was because I'm gay. People would be nice to my face, she said, but horrible about me behind my back.

Saying that she has damaged your current psychological state is giving her responsibility, currently, for your feelings. But you are responsible. If she told you that you were a raspberry jelly, you'd just laugh it off, because you'd know it to be nonsense. What she's saying bothers you because you think it might be true. You are responsible for that. Get control of it. She's talking crap. She's telling you stuff about you and your life that is purely her opinion. It's not the rules, it's not the law, it's not some sort of objective truth. Why put your faith in it, especially to the extent that it's affecting your well being?

What do you think of you? What do you think makes you unworthy of close friendships? What you think of you is all that matters. Anyone can say anything; whatever they like about you. It doesn't matter.

That's terrible, I wouldn't give a stuff if anyone was gay or straight or bi or whatever if I liked them and wanted them to be my friend, they would be. What does sexuality have to do with a real friendship? Anybody who is like that isn't your friend are they?

@ValerieCupcake

I realised quite soon after I left home that the world didn't work in the way my mum thought it did.

OP, mum doesn't always know best. Sometimes mum spouts a lot of damaging crap, based on her own skewed view of the world.

Have faith in your own view of yourself. You're nice, right? Not perfect, but amazing in some ways? Just like everyone else?

Some people will see all your good bits, some people will see all your bad bits, and there'll be lots in between. Your job is to choose people who make you feel good, to spend the majority of your social time with. Pull back from your mum.

Op, you are absolutely worthy of a close friendship.