Don’t know whether to end things with DP

[Souquet]

I’m in my fifties. I got together with him after a horrible marriage breakdown, we’ve been together for nearly five years. He’s a widower with a grown up DC.

We don’t live together. I have a teenage son so that’s fine just now. But he’s made it very clear he never wants to marry me or live with me. I see him at weekends. He’s not interested in things like if I have a medical issue, won’t take me to appointments and forgets about them. Nothing serious, but makes me feel quite alone.

We had plans to travel and things, but he’s now very wary and doesn’t suggest or do things. I’m quite young (immature!) for my ancient years, and full of beans, go to the gym, want to go to gigs, festivals, holidays while I can. He’s never keen.

He’s nice to my dc and cooks for them and me, he’s a good person.

I doubt my judgment. I keep thinking it’s not going anywhere and I should end it, but what if I’m wrong? Is this enough? What would others think?

Well he sounds like a good friend at least.

Could you maybe settle just for friendship with him? I'm assuming the sex is crap and won't be missed. There might even be someone else out there for you if you unattach yourself from him.

I don't know what it is with men that age, they just seem so unambitious and boring, sorry that probably doesn't help.

I'm sure that would be enough for some, but it doesn't sound like you're one of them (and neither am I, FWIW!).

From what you say he seems to be disengaging. Not asking about your medical appointments is really not nice and also withdrawing and not being engaged with holiday plans etc would seem to me that that he doesn't want the relationship to progress.

Personally I think I'd be thinking of ending it and saving yourself the heartache of clinging on. I know that's easy for me to say but I don't think he's making you happy if you're honest.

It depends what you want from a relationship really. But OMG, just seeing someone at weekends and going away - that actually sounds ideal for me. I don't want to someone to come to the gym or take me to the doctors. I'm a bit too independent for that I think. And it leaves me time to see friends and do all of my own stuff. Is his reluctance about travelling to do with covid? I think that's natural and as life returns to normal, he'll probably be happy to travel again.
However, if your interests are not the same (I wouldn't want to go out with a guy who wanted to do lots of festivals for example - not my thing) or you're looking for a moving in together situation, I guess this is not the relationship for you.
Whatever you do, don't settle if you're not happy. It's not fair on either of you.

Thanks, this is interesting as I swither between the independent/wanting cared for!

I guess I feel that it’s neither one thing nor the other- not wild carefree weekends nor the comfortable having my back of marriage.

It makes me feel a bit like I’m not good enough for him, although logically I know that’s not true!

I’m a strong independent woman who’d like a bit of tlc sometimes, I guess 😃

What what he like before the pandemic worries and restrictions?

Things were better, he said he was lucky to have me, more oomph!

He hates the restrictions, as do I, snd I think it hasn’t helped.

I’m a 50 something man, and would not marry or live with someone either, but weekends / gigs / travel absolutely sounds pretty bloody perfect, not taking you for medical appointments does sounds mean.

I get that. I’ve been separated for a year and want things on my terms from now on. But just now and again a bit of special care. I’d like a relationship that includes caring, going out, staying in for a cuddle, travel, sex but not living together or another father for my kids. I would have thought some men would jump at the chance

I don't think it's asking too much to be independent and want a bit of tlc! I hope I didn't give you that impression. It's just I never take people to medical appointments - they're too distracting (and make it less about me! 😂)
Covid has changed a lot of our behaviours and mindsets. But we will get back to normal living. But, at the end of the day, do you share enough interests to make it worthwhile hanging around for?

I should add I’m not some crazed hypochondriac- I’m rarely unwell, just had a couple of things, with appointments in awkward places. Locations, not physical awkward places 😃

I had a back problem and had to go to so many appointments in different places and was happy to drive off to them on my own and I wouldn't have expected or wanted anyone to come with me. But in the end I had to have a back operation an hour away from where I lived and I needed someone to take me and collect me. In those circumstances I would have liked, actually I would have expected my partner to be there for me. If he wasn't and had no good reason, then I'd think he wasn't even a good friend to me. That might change my opinion of him. But general appointments I was capable of going to on my own, no.
But it's really about your needs. If that's something that is important to you and he's not interested in doing it, I doubt that's going to change. Is that how you view your future with someone else as being? If not, then you need to look for someone else.

It literally sounds like the only value he’s adding to your life is the odd meal he cooks. Unless he’s been profoundly impacted by the pandemic, but even then you deserve care, attention and interest.

Find someone who’s also full of beans, OP. You deserve it.

Simply stop doubting your judgment. They're your feelings. There's no right or wrong. Your judgment is all you have.