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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like an idiot

6 replies

Cluelessat32 · 07/02/2022 19:25

I feel like an idiot for not seeing my ex for who he was earlier.

He is currently refusing to attend our daughters birthday party, because my family will also be attending. I struggle to believe that he would happily upset his daughter, rather than just experience a few hours of discomfort.

He was abusive while we were together, but I have maintained strong links with his family, trying to do the best for our daughter.

My sister works in domestic abuse, and has distrusted him for many years. She was pretty discreet about it whilst we were together, however was a massive support as we separated. He blames her for our marriage breakdown.

Many people have told me how unpleasant he was to them, since we separated. He was unkind to my niece on many occasions. Publicly abusive towards me. Rude to and distrustful of my friends and family, constantly slagging them off and trying to turn me against them. And it took me years to see this. I gave him multiple chances. Let him swear at me and call me things I vowed would be a line in the sand. Make me feel like shit, by physically violent. And kept on giving me chances. He was a walking red flag. And I kept forgiving him. Giving him another chance, and another, and another. And now I feel a fool and disgusted with myself. Seeing him for who he really is.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 19:27

Why are you inviting an abusive man to your daughters birthday who will probably ruin the day anyway? Confused

Cluelessat32 · 07/02/2022 19:29

@RedCandyApple he has shared custody of our daughter. And it is her day. For me it is a no brainer. I have no intention of causing my daughter pain by excluding her father. Whom she she has a right to see unless she decides otherwise.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 19:34

Hmmm most separated parents don’t spend birthdays together; they alternate them or split the day. Especially one that’s abusive

Cluelessat32 · 07/02/2022 19:37

We do alternate her birthday. At her birthday party, which will include her friends, she also wants her cousins there, and by extension her aunts who are my sisters.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 07/02/2022 20:05

Well done for getting away from him and it is easy to see the light when out of the situation but not so easy when you are in it and you are down trodden and lose your sense of who you are. I was like you and wanted my ex involved in my son's life even though there was similar history to yours as did not want my son when he was older to say I stopped his dad seeing him. He used to come to parties but was always in a mood or did something to just try to put a damper on the day. You have asked him to come and he said no so there is nothing more you can do. Try to make the most of the day and it is good you are trying to include his family, is his family also attending party. It will be him who has the regrets in later life but he has shown how selfish he is if he cannot put that aside and blames everyone else instead of taking personal responsibility. Just enjoy the party and try not to dwell on it as you cannot change him or the situation.

Honeyroar · 07/02/2022 22:24

Just celebrate her party with her friends and your family. Let him celebrate it with her later.

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