Splitting socialising costs

[gothisdilemma]

I have a FWB.
We are definitely not going to end up moving in together or merge finances.

We got out to eat/drink/days out etc and try and split the costs evenly - which doesn't always work out as it's impossible to split everything 50/50 if you take turns to pay. Eg I might by using tickets to a play and then he might play for dinner beforehand which won't always equal exactly the same.

We are both very very sensitive about money. I have been financially abused by a family member and he has suffered re-occurring serious health issues which have resulted in paid time off work - luckily he has a very understanding boss/employer and a job for life in my eyes - but he is very anxious about being long-term ill and therefore is aiming to pay his mortgage off as soon as possible. I'm trying to lay down my mortgage to reduce my future monthly costs (see below)

I earn £36,000
He earns £55,000

We both run our own households, and have spare money which we both over pay into our mortgages.
My house equity is more than his, sadly thanks to an inheritance, but he has an amazing private pension to come when he retires, I have none.

I am planning to try and have a child using a sperm donator next year, and have no local family support so am likely to only be able to return to work part time for several years. He is childless and wants to remain so.

My question is this - how do we fairly split everything we pay for fairly?
For example because he is twice the size of me he will order more food than me when we eat out, he will also drink more than me, 2 pints to my 1 etc.
When I am out with female friends we tend to eat/drink similar amounts so it's never felt unfair to split the bill 50/50.
These aren't massive differences each time - which is why this seems so petty and why I have gone into detail about why we are so sensitive about money. We both get quite anxious about this - but it's seems massively weird to pay for our own things all the time. We go to cheap/mid-range places and I feel I can't suggest nicer places because I'll end up paying because it will be 'my turn'.

Any suggestions?
We have wildly different spending, eg I will buy new things a lot more than he will, my car is more expensive for example - so I think he thinks I'm easy going about money - which I am - apart from when I feel I'm subbing someone else's lifestyle.
He's spoken to me about his issues, but I've never told I'm him I feel he constantly gets an advantage.

Please don't be horrible to me, I know we are both privileged, but we both have suffered trauma from our pasts and this affects how we view money and security and causes us both distress.

I'd just like some advice on how to handle this please.

If someone constantly orders considerably more than you and wants to split 50/50 it’s the sign of a CF!
Normally I split 50/50 with most of my friends as the difference would be marginal either way but the first times of splitting if one of us was a bit higher we would check the other was ok with it. If we consistently ordered more we would pay more somehow. The fact that he isn’t doing this shows he is taking advantage.

Basically you're paying to have sex with him. I hope he's worth it or you may as well invest in a Womanizer, it's reliable, rechargeable and won't run up a massive bill in a restaurant.

FWB is supposed to take out all of the stressful parts of being in a relationship - including how to deal with financial matters.

You're making things more complicated and stressful than they need to be.

Pay for yourself.

I’ve never had a FWB before but I don’t think your salary or mortgage is relevant. Just pay for what you have.

This relationship won't evolve into anything beyond FWB, based on what you are writing. Therefore, why don't you pick free or very cheap stuff to do. Expensive dining out etc soon adds up, and breeds resentment between you. This could be easily sorted by going to free museums, picnics in the park (not free, but cheaper), art galleries, walks etc. Most areas of the UK have free or cheap places to visit which is ideal for you two to catch up without worrying. Flask of coffee, and the great outdoors costs next to nothing.

It all sounds a bit exhausting to me! Maybe you need to chill out a bit on it and just enjoy your time together. Must be stressful using a mental ready reckoner every time you go out

…”How do we fairly split everything”…

The clue is in your question.

Just pay for what you have and let him pay for what he has.

There’s no other way/equation.

Why are you so scared of asking him to do this?

I agree with paying for your own and then for things like theatre tickets one pays and the other transfers their half straight away rather than doing turn taking.
What you both earn or what his pension is etc aren’t a thing.

I'm a single mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor)

Just curious Op, how old are you? And when are you planning on trying to have a child via sperm donation?

Having a child (and especially under these circumstances) will no doubt affect your FWB relationship

I'm currently in a new relationship with someone from the past, and even though we know each other well, the child always comes first so the worries you have at the moment will dissipate.

*the worries/agonising over how to split finances will dissipate... Plus, it also depends how long it'll take you to be successful (or not sadly as the case may be).

Why dont you do the easiest thing. Each one pays for what they spend/eat have etc.

As everyone else says, just pay for yourself.

Theatre tickets - get him to transfer the money straight away.
Meal out - pay for what you ordered.
Etc.

Just tell him that you’re conscious of your future plans towards having a baby in the next few years and you want to start keeping things really clear-cut on the finances side.

If you can have sex with him you can have this conversation with him.

The whole point of FWB is that it’s just not that deep. There is no need for you to become financially enmeshed.

I think you should just pay for your own when you are out. If someone wants to treat the other to tickets to a show etc or a fancy meal then should do so without thinking of oh now they owe me a night out. He seems pretty tight to be honest and you both should treat each other say once a month to something nice show/dinner. Other times just pay for yourself.

All this hassle over money would turn me off having anything intimate with anyone and you need to stop and he needs to stop always thinking of the calculator as what a downer. So many things you can do that are not costly free museums, nice walks in parks, cinema not expensive and lots of nice coffee shops. I would keep it more casual as if you have a small baby alone then that will be your priority and unless you have some help with the baby you will not have the time to be giving to him.