Why are bullies and bitchy people always so popular?

[TheWorldofCats]

I have autism, which means that I am not great at understanding social situations. I am hoping that some non-autistic people can spread some light on this:

Why are bullies and bitchy people always so popular?

Seriously, every place I have ever worked or studied has at least one bully surrounded by many minions. Anyone who stands up to the bully is usually outed by the whole group.

Why does this happen and what's the best way of dealing with it?

Because people are scared of them and don't want to be their target. It's kind of a self-preservation tactic.

Yeah they’re not, people pretend in front of them. My sil is a bully and avoid her as much as possible. I am polite so I don’t cause a fuss but keep my distance, to the outside world we get on. I never meet up with her on my own but my other SIL who she has banned from her house, I meet up with regularly. She has no idea.

Because if you're not their friend you're their victim .

Because they usually know a lot people. They are busy body gossips. They can then use that to creative a "narrative". They kind of yield a "feeble power" in their own little lunchtimes. They are always insecure and you most likely have a quality, popularity or lifestyle that they can never achieve or replicate.

Very sad little people who have no power over their own lives so, make it their mission to make yours miserable. They will try to isolate you, "Wendys" are what they are called. Sad little people followed by equally sad scared little people. This is nothing to do with your autism. This is all their issue. You will also find it at the sch gates and in the work place. Minions/lackies, same thing.

I have fallen foul of these types over the yrs, i am wiser now. I have learnt, i challenge now.

Very recently i had this again in the workplace and someone threw me under a bus... i threw her right back under. She then came a cropper and only then everyone told me what a cow saw was and how I had stood up to her . I had no qualms in doing that.

These kind of characters really are troubled people and you should not allow yourself OP to waste any more time worrying about them or their actions. They have issues, you do not.

she not saw !

Depends on the age group you’re talking about. I’m in my 40’s and the ‘bitches/ bullies’ have been found out and dropped. I have zero tolerance for either. And I’m not the only one who has dropped them, so eventually they do get found out.

The reason they initially may be popular is because they mask their behaviours to the people they wish to befriend.

@TheWorldofCats I’d rather be friends with you 100x more than bullies but a lot of people won’t say the same because they’re scared- that’s it- scared. Don’t change for anyone 💖

Fear

No one really has respect for them but don't want to be next in line for their attention

When their power crumbles so do their ' friendships '

Yep this is the case for my sister she’s such a nasty person but has so many friends! And they are her true friends not like pp says just pretending to her face that’s not the case but she’s very popular despite how vile she is!

They're not really - people just want to stay on their right side so they don't become the next victim.

@TheWorldofCats

I have autism, which means that I am not great at understanding social situations. I am hoping that some non-autistic people can spread some light on this:

Why are bullies and bitchy people always so popular?

Seriously, every place I have ever worked or studied has at least one bully surrounded by many minions. Anyone who stands up to the bully is usually outed by the whole group.

Why does this happen and what's the best way of dealing with it?

Not in my world they're not.

Being part of a friendship group gang that includes people like that is usually out of fear, not wanting to be targeted and so on. I remember seeing it at school and the sixth form. I knew I wouldn't want to be friends with girls (they were all girls, mean girls) like that, and completely avoided them. If they'd tried it with me, they would have got a barrage back.

But I think it is sycophancy that draws people to them, not genuine friendship. Unless they are all cut from the same cloth, of course.

[quote NotaCoolMum]@TheWorldofCats I’d rather be friends with you 100x more than bullies but a lot of people won’t say the same because they’re scared- that’s it- scared. Don’t change for anyone 💖[/quote]
And so would I. What's not to like about cat lovers?!

Literally just discussing this very topic with DD who is suffering at school.

Bully aims to get as many people on their side as possible so as to use their weight against their chosen victim.

They rely on people not wanting to be their next victim so being silent and compliant. They also rely on people in general not liking confrontation.

I find most of them are loud, brash types who dominate the conversation and ignore the quiet types. I can't stand it either. It makes me withdraw, which means they get all the opportunities whilst us quiet ones go unnoticed in many situations.
I'm still glad I'm not like that though.
Sorry, I've not really answered your question, I just wanted to let you know you're most definitely not alone in your frustration.

Because weak, spineless ppl are scared of them. They look up to loud, confident bullies and it in turn gives the weak more confidence so they follow them around

There was a lot of bullying at my previous workplace. The bully had a clique of 4-5 ppl that would follow him around. If the bully wasn't in and they were on their own they wouldn't say a word to anybody, they'd just hide away. Once the bully turned up they suddenly got really gobby, confident and loud

It was strange

If not fear, then apathy. For an easy life I see a lot of people getting on with them, hanging out with them, gossiping with them etc because its all fun and games until the bully turns on them.

Especially true in the workplace I think.

Yes, this is so true OP!

I’ve wondered the same thing. They don’t like introverts like me either.

Agree with so much that has been said.

In my case op the woman who bullied me has had a huge change in her job, in a really bad way. I couldn't be happier to know she's finally getting her comeuppance.

They love bomb people and create a narrative about how nice / fun / helpful / sociable they are.

The bullying isn’t always overt. It can be a subtle put down, or exclusion with lies and misrepresentation so no-one sees the full picture.

The person I’m thinking of (A) was lots of fun to be with, but used to be mean about another friend of hers who I didn’t know (B) which put me off getting to know B.

Then B started joining our group more and I saw A be super nice to B’s face and I felt uncomfortable because I’d listened to her being mean about B. I felt like I couldn’t be friends with B. It’s divide and rule. I then had no doubts A was being mean about me to B.

I’ve distanced from both now. It all got too complicated.