Is this wrong? Male friend

[orangechurchbells]

I am perhaps a weak person.

I am in a long and emotionally and verbally (and once physically) abusive marriage, with a very erratic, alcoholic husband. I think he may have some kind of mood disorder though he won't go to the GP or anything. He is angry and has lots of broken family relationships. We have kids, and it is not so simple as to just leave, but I have begun trying to establish a better financial footing for myself so that I can. I think it will work. I am very worn down, and am from a traumatic background, and have no family.

But I do have good friends. I've been, as per advice, rebuilding my connections with friends over the last years (remotely over lockdown and then meeting up, which is lovely). I feel very lucky. One of my friends is a man who is single, and has been for years. We really get on, and like to sometimes meet for a coffee or walk. I am not going to do anything, but I am aware that I do like the feel of how he is emotionally, if you see what I mean, and in a way that crosses into the territory of feelings. I have a very strong defense mechanism about physical things and there is no way I would cross a physical line, I just love his company and it is so long with all my friends since I had companionship in that zone that is really me. I've been indescribably lonely and very bullied.

I know if this was a normal situation people would say I was edging into an emotional affair but I just wondered if it really mattered in this situation, where my husband wants nothing to do with my emotions ans says so. It is a huge support to me, and cheers me up. I don't see how there's any way I could get hurt. What do you think? I wonder if anyone has any perspective on this kind of connection actually being beneficial when you are trying to work yourself out of the tight gap of an abusive marriage.

Just trying not to feel bad, really.

What do you have to feel bad about, exactly? Violating the sanctity of your marriage? Your marriage is effectively over and you’re essentially biding your time until you (to use an MN phrase) ‘get your ducks in a row’ and leave an abusive bully. You don’t owe your husband anything, much less emotional fidelity.

However, I will say that you are clearly in an emotionally vulnerable state and getting enmeshed in a romantic relationship is probably not in your best interests. As such, you should keep this platonic for your own good. Not for your husband. For you.

You are not weak. You’ve found yourself in a terrible situation and you’re taking steps to remove yourself from said situation. That takes incredible strength. You should be proud of yourself.

Well it's not fair on your friend, is it, if you think he's interested in you but it's a No Go ?

No I think he knows the deal and he is friends with lots of people (albeit not so intensely). He’s quite a free spirit and is fine.

Thank you @MeSanniesareBrannies that’s very articulate, I found the idea of emotional fidelity useful. You’re right I don’t owe my husband that, he’s literally said he never wants to hear how I feel again.

You’re most welcome. I’m wishing you the best of luck. Hopefully you can be shot of him, soon. He sounds vile.

I think if there's a problem here it's that it's really not fair on your friend.

Hm two people have said that. Thanks. I’ll consider it.

I would suggest you get your current situation sorted before you get someone else involved. How would your erratic, abusive, alcoholic husband react if he found out you were having an affair?

If the new guy is right for you he will be there when you have ended your marriage and are away from husband.

In an ideal world I would do that @Eleganz— but I am not necessarily considering a future relationship with my friend. More I am aware that I am soaking up his good emotional links like a sponge and that in some way it’s nourishing me. Things have been very hard here. It’s not like a normal unhappy marriage.

I suppose I am just very anxious. Thanks, everyone.

I think you could get hurt OP because its unlikely you and your friends needs will be in tandem. You are looking for a relationship that is unconventional, in that you want the emotional connection of a partnership but without the relationship. Is it likely he will want the same? Or push for more? Or find someone who does want a full relationship? By all means enjoy it, and absolutely guilt free, but I'd be cautious about centering him too much in your plans, and make sure you build strong connections with other women who can give you support without complications, iyswim.

I guess there's two big ones here for me.

1. are you sure the friend understands what you're doing? And if he is okay with it, can you be sure that will always be the case?

2. how would you feel if he met someone?

I suppose I’d feel a bit of loss if he met someone else, coupled with being happy for him. But I’d always be glad of the connection we shared up til then, and would hope I could be a good friend in some kind of Christmas cards terms sense afterwards.

I think this friendship is going to make it even harder for you to get out of your unhappy marriage. Which is where I think you need to focus your energy - getting out now.

And if your marriage is abusive, it will probably make it worse if your husband finds out or even suspects anything.

Do you want to tell us the reasons why you can’t leave now and perhaps we can help you think of ways to tackle these?

I don't see how there's any way I could get hurt.

Given the volatility of your husband, and the fact that he’s capable of being physically abusive, I think you have a very high chance of being physically abused again by your husband when he discovers you’ve grown close to another man. He’s probably itching for a perceived excuse.

Bide your time, line up your ducks, get out, and then see where things are with your friend.

@M0RVEN

I think this friendship is going to make it even harder for you to get out of your unhappy marriage. Which is where I think you need to focus your energy - getting out now.

And if your marriage is abusive, it will probably make it worse if your husband finds out or even suspects anything.

Do you want to tell us the reasons why you can’t leave now and perhaps we can help you think of ways to tackle these?

I agree with this. I think the friendship may actually be enabling the marriage as its providing a cushion that stops the OP finding it unbearable. Which if there's genuine reasons not to be able to leave may be helpful if it's a short term situation.

The reasons I can’t leave now are I don’t earn enough money. We don’t own a home and I want enough not to uproot the kids. The (long) marriage has been abusive from the start so it feels like I can wait until I have a better paid job. Though it does go through patches of unbearable badness and I do feel I need to leave, at which point I ask my H to leave and he won’t.

Also I’m coming to realise he may actually have something like a real problem relating to people or some kind of deeper thing that makes him act nastily. I’m trying to figure it out. A year ago I realised it was not (as it had been described to me) my fault, or an argument, and my thinking changed. I suppose I’m still working through that.

I mean I need to know what I think his problem is as I am worried about a breakup and him having the kids overnight or so. His emptiness frightens me and he has a coldness towards everyone. I need not to accidentally get into a position where I’ve let him have them and made them vulnerable.

It sounds to me like this friendship is exactly what you need OP. As long as your friend understands the limitations and boundaries (and isn't harbouring feelings where he could get hurt) I don't see the harm in it. I see him providing you with the emotional support to build the strength to leave.

@5128gap I think that’s probably a bit right, though it makes me uncomfortable to admit it

Thank you @WouldYouHaveAproblem. I'm quite moved by the level of understanding in the responses. I suppose my thread originates from the fact that I might not have such a friendship in a healthy relationship, and I have not done in a decade or so, but I now through accident of pandemic and increasing knowledge of the situation have done.