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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In the dog house again

25 replies

MrAmIDone · 07/02/2022 15:42

Hello Mumsnetters. I am coming to you because I appreciate your honestly do go easy on me though I am feeling so lost. 21 years married with 3 children; full time employed. DH is also full time employed. With regret he has been unwell for the last 4 years, nothing life threatening but constant daily pain of varying degrees. Due to the pandemic he has been unable to access medical treatment via his specialist for over 2 years with no appointment date in sight, the lack of attention is causing his condition to impact on other areas of his health. He also hates his job of 10 years but is trapped because the financial benefits and flexibility is too good to be easily matched elsewhere without doing the time. My husband is unhappy with me, in the last calendar month I have been out 4 times, he feels too much. I would agree it is more than usual, by accident these events have coincided, it is not the norm, a middle-aged mother working full time is grateful of a knee’s up once a month let alone four times. He is not interested in my explanation or rationale; he ranted and would not let me speak. Yes, he has form for this. DH has a very high sex drive, way higher than mine and is very sexually tactile all the time but does tell me constantly he loves me. When he is cross with me, he totally withholds all physical contact conversation becomes polite and sterile. Yes, he has form for this. After several years of this I am exasperated and have a sense that I am ‘done’, though I cannot say the words out loud. I feel, he is further punishing me by going out all the time, yes, I haven’t counted but I think he’s averaged 6 or 7 times in the last fortnight including mid-week, like me he might usually go out on average once or twice a month. This behaviour is upsetting to me, it is quite frankly immature. I consider myself easy going, I do not track his movements, I love him, I trust him and know he loves me, he can come home and tell me all about his evening and I do not judge. He is flirtatious as am I but we both have trust that is where interactions with other people stop. He does have form for ‘life piling up on him’ especially with his pain which I have great empathy for and then offloading a tirade of all the things I do and are doing wrong without redress, the ball is left in my court to show my intent for our relationship and ‘fix’ myself. It can be challenging arranging for us to do anything, he'll find numerous issues with the logistics, my offer of solutions is interpreted as pushy. He had therapy a number of years ago and was greatly remorseful for the way he has treated me, the band aid has fallen off. I am unable to have a conversation to resolve this, I already know the script, so…

OP posts:

NowEvenBetter · 07/02/2022 17:34

Your post is very difficult to understand, can you clarify it?

NowEvenBetter · 07/02/2022 17:37

From what I can decipher, your husband punishes you for leaving the house, demands sex you don’t want, makes you ‘prove yourself’? Fuckin brutal environment to make your kids endure.

rahjama · 07/02/2022 17:51

like above said your post is very confusing an difficult to understand.

possibly he is jealous that you are not ill and able to do as you please and not think about consequences or be tied down by an illness? Maybe he is jealous and taking it out on you?

Mermaidwaves · 07/02/2022 18:04

He sounds like a sulky, whiny nightmare who uses his health condition to bully and control you, does this sound right? Whether he's in pain or not it doesn't give him the right to sexually abuse you either. Do you think things will improve over time or you now have the dynamic of an abusive marriage? That's very hard to come back from.

Rickrollme · 07/02/2022 18:06

It sounds like your husband is being a real dick and you are letting him off the hook because of his illness. If he has truly found it too much for you to be out he can explain his feelings to you calmly and you can work together on a resolution that reduces the impact on him but still gives you a chance to have fun. There are many options that might be reasonable depending on your situation — maybe he understands that this was a unique time and next month you go out a bit less, maybe you get a sitter if it’s too much for him, maybe you offer to feed and bathe the kids before you go out or whatever makes sense. But it sounds like this is more about control. Your DH doesn’t want you to have fun and feel good if he can’t. I imagine you are already taking on a lot of extra responsibilities when is ill. That’s what marriage is but it’s all the more reason he should want you to enjoy yourself when you can.

I constantly see posts on MN where a woman will describe her DH’s clearly selfish unpleasant behavior and then say “but deep down he’s really a good guy, he’s usually so wonderful, he’s a great dad etc etc”. That makes no sense to me. A man who doesn’t treat his spouse nicely is not a good man. We all have our moments when we aren’t feeling well and we aren’t as kind as we should be but the kind of controlling vengeful immaturity you are describing is well beyond that.

NotJustACigar · 07/02/2022 18:13

I didn't find your post particularly difficult to understand.
It sounds like your DH is controlling and when you don't do what he wants he uses passive aggressive tactics to punish you. There is nothing inherently wrong with you going out on average once a week for example yet he has you believing this is something you deserve to be punished for. Plus his sex drive seems to be something you are made to satisfy even if you don't want to. How awful he sounds! And where is the joy? Just because he's in pain doesn't give him the right to push you around and mistreat you. It sounds like you'd be better off without him!

Susu49 · 07/02/2022 18:35

I didnt see any redeeming qualities in your Dh in your post. If you're done then good for you, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all.

At best he's an arse, at worse he's controlling/emotionally abusive and you'll be better off without him

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2022 19:27

He sounds like a controlling arse. So he’s gone out twice as much as you to punish you? Despite your outings coinciding because they all just happened to be close together? Tosser. Are you done with this relationship? He sounds horrible.

Original poster

MrAmIDone · 08/02/2022 12:13

Thank you for your replies, I would greatly appreciate other opinions too, is this the general consensus?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 08/02/2022 12:16

He sounds very controlling and abusive
Why shouldn’t you go out?

MangoBiscuit · 08/02/2022 12:20

Playing devil's advocate, if your DC are young, is he annoyed at having to do bedtimes solo so often when in pain?

If it's not that, and it can't be that he wants to be going out with you as you've said he's a dick about that too, then I can't think of another reason why. Other than him being a arsehole.

Bananalanacake · 08/02/2022 12:30

In the 21 years you've been married is this unhappiness at you going out a recent thing or has he been like this for longer. Is he annoyed he has to look after this own DC for an evening.

NowEvenBetter · 08/02/2022 12:32

Can you explain how you think your husband demanding sex, controlling you and abusing you is in any way acceptable? Do you think anyone on earth would think ‘lovely. Perfect environment to inflict on kids.’? Surely you know?

Opentooffers · 08/02/2022 12:49

Seems odd that a man whose been in chronic pain for 4 years and is currently unhappy about lots of things in his life, still has a high sex drive - or does he? Perhaps he's manufacturing problems with you so he's got an excuse to withdraw. He's got no leg to stand on as he's been out far more now - do you know who he is with and what he is doing when out?
Don't play the role of smoothing things over. If he wants to withdraw, let him. Be should be coming to you to apologize, hd out till he does

Opentooffers · 08/02/2022 12:51

Hold out

MrsBaublesDylan · 08/02/2022 12:52

@MrAmIDone

Thank you for your replies, I would greatly appreciate other opinions too, is this the general consensus?

What kind of other opinions are you hoping their might be?

That because he's in pain it's ok to punish you?

Also, if he's going out that much, I would question how much pain he is really in?

AppleJane · 08/02/2022 12:57

I am unable to have a conversation to resolve this, I already know the script

I think you've answered your own question.

jay55 · 08/02/2022 13:36

He's ill and in pain but okay to want sex all the time and to go out multiple times a week when it suits him.

But you're not allowed such freedoms and he has put himself in a position of policing you.

So what you do affects his illness negatively. But what he does is okay.

You're being manipulated to the heavens. He's a total arsehole.

Original poster

MrAmIDone · 08/02/2022 14:10

I know I asked for your opinions and do appreciate your time, I do however feel treasonous, DH is not an evil person, he loves his family very much and cares for us.
DH does have a higher sex drive than menopausal me which I am taking medical steps to improve.
Though he is in pain, sex is a pleasurable distraction.
I smiled when some of you speculated the ages of the children, they are all teenagers, so no effort to parent, they much prefer a takeaway at the weekends than DH having to cook a meal if I am out, for the record he is a capable cook.
It is sad that he cannot get the medical support he needs, it is depressing.
One my outtings I went alone because DH could not factor how to balance it all and would not let me offer a solution, when I came home he said with regret, 'In hindsight I could've made it after all,' I did not respond as in my heart I know they were just excuses.
You have made me question how he can go out as often as he has been despite the pain, I don't know what to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrAmIDone · 09/02/2022 08:14

Oh and yes I know who he goes out with and where they are.

OP posts:

MotherOfWhippets · 09/02/2022 08:37

I don't really know you want from this thread.

All day every day women come on this board and moan about their dick of a husband and then as soon as people agree that he's a dick they jump to his defence.

He sounds utterly horrid and controlling from what you describe.

Magda72 · 09/02/2022 09:03

Also if he can manage to go out 6 times a week, hold down a full time job and demand sex on tap I fail to see how he's in incredible pain. Coming from someone who has such an illness and was incredible ill with it a few years back.
Couldn't agree more.
@MrAmIDone there is something about your post that doesn't add up......at all.

Original poster

MrAmIDone · 09/02/2022 10:09

@magda72 what do you mean, what doesn't add up?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrAmIDone · 09/02/2022 10:39

All day every day women come on this board and moan about their dick of a husband and then as soon as people agree that he's a dick they jump to his defence. I think that is only natural, we provide in our posts a snapshot of the bits that make us unhappy and not the happier memories.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 09/02/2022 12:03

Precisely what @MotherOfWhippets highlighted.
Anyone I have ever known in intense prolonged pain does not have a high libido or is out living it up!

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