Husband had mental breakdown 3 months ago, no better, help

[Evianfash40]

Just that really, my husband had a mental breakdown 3.5months ago (I've posted about it before) we are overseas but when he had the breakdown we returned to the UK for 6 weeks for family support & English speaking help for my husband, he was suicidal, not able to function. We ended up going to A&E & he was referred to the crisis team. We then had to return to Switzerland, my husband was no better & he was admitted into a psychiatric clinic for 6 weeks, he came home last week. He is slightly better but seems to be heading in a downwards spiral again. We have a 1 year old son. And no family here. I'm at my wits end. At first it was nice to have him home but his moods are becoming contagious, it makes me miserable to be around him. He lies in bed all morning, afternoon, goes to sleep at 8pm, when he wakes in the morning he just says 'I've ruined my life and your life, over and over again". I was supportive to begin with but after months of solo parenting I am fed up and exhausted. My husbands input with taking care of our son is neglible, he makes no effort to help either of us and I'm beginning to resent him. It doesn't surprise me that breakdowns are more common in men - because women don't have that luxury to be self indulgent (which is how I feel his behaviour is) , they have to look after the kids. I am not sleeping because my son isn't sleeping at night. I feel my husband is selfish, he gets to prioritise himself, I don't, ever. I gave up my career to move abroad to be with him after much pressure from him (wasn't something I wanted to do) and now I'm looking for a job because I can't rely on him to get his sht together. But I have to do all that once my son has gone to bed because my husband doesn't contribute in looking after him. He's not worked for 3 months, still has a job but says he can't go back. Nothing wrong with the job he says it's not good for his ego. I am so angry. If I had to shovel sht for a living to put food on the table for my son I would, and yet he has a great job great pay not stressful and he won't do it for his son, because it hurts his ego (doesn't like the team)....... I feel like walking away. Yes I know in sickness and in health but I can't see things getting better, he is not making any effort.

Honestly? 3.5 months is no time at all after a mental breakdown. I know it's horrible for you too, having to be strong and keep everything going. But when someone gets to the stage your husband was at such a short time ago, better means a tiny bit better than he was, hopefully improving day-to-day. Dealing with severe mental health issues is often a lifelong issue, I'm afraid, and it's unrealistic to expect a quick fix.

I remember you. Also in Switzerland.
Ask for a referral through your health insurance for yourself for therapy. Then you can figure out what you want to do. You are entitled to a certain number of sessions a year.
Speak to his psychologist- they need to know what’s going on. It’s also possible to attend a session with your DH. I was able to do this here when my husband was experiencing difficulties.
Do you get a break from your son?
What real life support do you have in Switzerland?

I hear you. Been there, done that - overseas as well and it was horrific. Can you come back where you have friends and family? If you have that option then I would take it. It is exhausting and feels never ending. BUT he will get better. Is he on meds? They take for what feels like ever to kick in but they work.

DH came off his back along and had another episode and it brought it all back to me. He is now back on a low dose and managing life amazingly- he is the husband and father he was always destined to be.

You need to look after yourself at the moment- do whatever it takes. Feel free to PM if you want to.

@Seriouslymole so good to hear from someone who's been through similar, how did you cope yourself? How long did it take for you to notice he was getting better. I say it's been 3.5 months since the breakdown but he's suffered from depression for 10 years, in the last 2 years with the pandemic, having a baby, changing jobs it got worse then he snapped. Trigger was changing jobs and new job not being great. Hes on lots of meds lithium, risperdal (anti psychotic) dopiclone for sleeping, brintillex also for depression, and another one. It has taken the full 6 wks in the clinic to get the meds right, none of the other antidepressants he tried (at least 3 others) worked.
We could return to the UK, just need to find jobs. Probably closer to my family as his family have been really awful whilst this has been going on. I think today feels hard as I've not slept last night or really any night for months because my son sint sleeping through still. And I'm basically a single parent.

@NrlySp thank you yes I'm going to speak yo my doctor tomorrow and try to get a referral, I've been so busy juggling everything else I should have prioritized that, I think it will help. My son is in creche for a few hours 4 days a week so there is a bit of a break, that helps. I've had a group therapy session with my husband but it wasnt great as we only speak English and she couldn't speak much English but we will try to find someone else.

Hi OP, sorry but this is unlikely to be a quick fix, your husband has a history of depression, suffered a serious breakdown, has been suicidal, and effectively been sectioned for a short period. He is seriously unwell and it sounds like his current treatment has not stabilised him. Expecting him to be able to suddenly become a functioning parent and worker is not realistic. I mean is he really capable of being responsible for a one year old on his own right now?

I understand that you situation is very hard and not having any support must be very tough, is there anyone who can help you out at all where you are?

[quote Evianfash40]@Seriouslymole so good to hear from someone who's been through similar, how did you cope yourself? How long did it take for you to notice he was getting better. I say it's been 3.5 months since the breakdown but he's suffered from depression for 10 years, in the last 2 years with the pandemic, having a baby, changing jobs it got worse then he snapped. Trigger was changing jobs and new job not being great. Hes on lots of meds lithium, risperdal (anti psychotic) dopiclone for sleeping, brintillex also for depression, and another one. It has taken the full 6 wks in the clinic to get the meds right, none of the other antidepressants he tried (at least 3 others) worked.
We could return to the UK, just need to find jobs. Probably closer to my family as his family have been really awful whilst this has been going on. I think today feels hard as I've not slept last night or really any night for months because my son sint sleeping through still. And I'm basically a single parent.[/quote]
Hi Op - I've sent you a PM.

I know you DH was in a clinic for 6 weeks but does he have a therapist as well that he sees every week? That might really help him.
This might help him put the pieces of his life back together and also offload onto the therapist so that you aren't getting the outpourings and expressions of doom which will wear you down.
From what you said before, I remember your posts, might there also be a dynamic where your DH is falling into a 'role' where you are the mother/carer and he is the child needing care.
If he got 'better' and his problems went away then you wouldn't need to be there.
The dynamic for you guys changed when you had your son.
Your son then needed you to be the 'mother and carer' and this role change may or may not be impacting your DH's stance on life.
Not saying this is the cause but it could be a contributing factor if part of your DH's issue is that 'nobody really cares about me'.
From your previous posts his parents sounded like they may have given him that message all his life. Now this childhood pattern is being re-enacted because DH was your special 'baby' and now you have another 'baby' that you 'prefer' and direct your attention towards.
A therapist who become a temporary mother figure to your DH might help.

Like I said last time, go home to your family.