Partner goes to ground when a major disagreement happens

[therightedit]

can he turn this around?
It is not manipulative behaviour. He literally does not have the skills to manage conflict, as patronising as that sounds . I could talk all day about his childhood and there is no doubt that this is deeply ingrained behaviour but do any of you have men in your lives, like this and is there any resolution.
He is very self aware and feels terrible afterwards but could go days without contact and just sleeps through it all.
I've never met anyone like that, not to mind had a relationship with a person who does this!
In previous relationships, the women(who I know) would pursue contact relentlessly until he reconnected with them and then there would be screaming and shouting about it, when he would head back to his cave again for another period of silence.
In our case, I left him off and refused to follow him, as he was at fault.he was regretful and remorseful when he came out but it is the first and last time that this will ever happen to me, as it felt awful adn disrespectful and frankly immature.
I like to discuss issues/niggles and just move on fast with lesson learned.
Any thoughts on all of this please?
Ps I want to give him one chance.

Really don’t have enough insight based on what you have written. But I will give it a try.

The problem is that you disagree. That’s something that happens in life and one of life’s skills is learning to live with the fact that not everyone agrees with you and the fact that they don’t have to agree with you.

Trying to make someone agree with you when they don’t want to with lead to argument because they don’t want to listen. It’s really a pointless activity. It is better to stop the conversation and acknowledge that you don’t agree and respect that position.

People who push and push for a discussion when the time isn’t right and you aren’t going to change your mind are a pest. That people would scream and shout is an experience no one wants to experience again. But actually just going over and over niggles wouldn’t be that much different. You cannot force conversations on someone.

But of course not being able to agree means some situations can not go forward. Maybe you are not compatible. Some people are ok with not arguing. There are couples who just accept disagreement and move on in a state of calm compromise that probably isn’t acknowledged. They might be right to do that because argument doesn’t revolve anything and you move on in an angry compromise for one or both of you.

If he's very self aware and feels terrible afterwards, what's he done so far to address his unhealthy behaviour patterns?

Nothing
We've had one major disagreement and this is how he behaved.

It is not manipulative behaviour. He literally does not have the skills to manage conflict, as patronising as that sounds

Yet you say he’s self aware? This makes no sense.How does he manage conflict at work?

He probably is quite self aware but not in the way you imagine.

Either he believes he doesn’t ever do anything wrong or he believes if he does it shouldn’t ever be mentioned. And especially not by a woman.

I couldn’t be arsed with this shit. He’s not even functioning as an adult. Bin him off.

Yanbu to expect him to seek professional help to manage an adult relationship if he wishes to continue to be in one with you...
You aren't his parent /guardian /therapist.

It can be a red flag. How much so depends on what your plans for the future might be. A couple I knew had this issue and it came to a head when they had kids:

• She was conflict-avoidant, but decided she wanted to be a stay-at-home mum. She then had trouble knowing how to deal with the inevitable conflict created by two small kids.

• So she relied on her partner to resolve conflicts with kids. But as she had invested in being a stay at home mum, resented this and felt she was being judged.

• She didn’t communicate or seek to resolve her resentment as she viewed it as leading to conflict.

• Instead, she checked out of the marriage and started an exit affair with another dad (again allowing the discovery of the affair to force her husband into divorcing her - she didn’t ask to leave him and again went to ground when he tried to resolve what was going on).

• She’s now with this other dad, however in a happier place as a) they aren’t his kids so he’s made aware he’s no right to comment on how she raises them and b) she “rescued” him from a poorer way of life, so again he’s aware he should just be grateful. In the meantime the kid’s dad co-parents but he’s out of sight thus out of mind.

It’s open to question how healthy that dynamic is I guess. It works for her. But you can see how that one behaviour ends up having a snowball effect and was a key factor in the demise of their marriage.

When you say go to ground, do you mean total silent treatment, won't reply to any message. Or does he just shut down with the conflict parts, but will talk / message on unrelated topics?

At some point I think we all have to stop pissing on about “our childhoods” and using them as excuses for poor behaviour which affects others.

He isn’t “very self aware” if this has been a pattern in previous relationships and yet he has not done anything to address why this is his response to arguments or to develop healthier responses to arguments. If he’s very self aware then his response to immediately following his argument with you should have been to acknowledge that he does not react healthily to disagreement and that he knows he has a tendency to behave inappropriately by “going to ground” and is committed to sorting himself out because he knows it’s unacceptable to expect a partner to put up with it.

I don’t have a man in my life who is like it because honestly, I wouldn’t put up with it. It doesn’t matter how much he tells you that this is about his childhood and isn’t intended to be manipulative. His reason and his intent doesn’t change the impact and affect on you and on your relationship, and what he’s doing is really just a kind of sulking and silent treatment, regardless of whether he prefers to name it processing and going to ground. It needs nipping in the bud now, or you’re looking at many years of resentment towards him because he has this convenient way of opting out of the two of you having difficult discussion and of conflict resolution because “childhood.”

I do this.
I cannot cope with conflict, my words come out wrong, I’m scared of making things worse, it makes me so anxious I need time and space to calm down and process.

Have a chat and see what might help him and you compromise. Like he can go and process for a few hours but then he needs to let you know his thoughts and feelings on what’s happened - even if it’s writing it down or something so you can resolve it.

OK so assuming it was not just a case of him taking some space for you both to cool off?

You're saying this is the first time he has done this? ...yet the way you've worded things in oarts of your post also implies this is not the case...so I'm a bit confused.

Op the issue is either incompatibility in communication (you like to resolve things ASAP where as he just likes to take a breather and assume things are resolved when he comes back). In which case, this provably won't work long term. I mean you can talk with him and make it clear that you like to resolve things same day if there are ever disagreements. But it might be that he just doesn't have any conflict resolutions skills and will never be able to do so. Besides, it really isn't somethi g you should have to say to him because a normal, empathetic person would recognise that disappearing for a few days could be seen as passive aggressive.

Alternatively therefore, it could be that he is manipulative. Most people know fine that if you walk away on an argument, things can fester.

What did YOU learn in your childhood that has you tying yourself in knots looking for a way to excuse behaviour that manipulative or not, does not work work for you?

Is the one on a forum looking into how to make life easier for you both? Is he buggary.

You have to be very careful op. At best, he doesn't share your communication style. Which really, is a game ender on its own tbh. And certainly should be if this is a newish relationship. At worst, he is manipulative and vanishes in order to punish you for daring to disagree with him.

If behaviour is unacceptable to you then you don't have to look for reasons to excuse it. Your responsibility is to look out for yourself. If you insist on giving things a go then set boundaries for YOURSELF. And if people cross them, walk away.

Often people are quick to blame the man's childhood on here for bs. He is a grown man. His childhood is irrelevant. Totally. Unless it has emotionally stunted him and he is incapable of introspection...aka a sociopath or a narcissist. In which case, you run for the bloody hills!

As others have said, if he's really self aware then he should have taken steps to address this. It's not an appropriate way to deal with conflict. I'd also ask if this is how he deals with conflict with others (i.e. colleagues, friends, family). If he's capable of not ignoring those people after a difficult conversation, then why do it in a relationship? If there is a difference in treatment then he's making a conscious decision to treat partners this way. That is manipulative in my view.

He knows he's conflict avoidant but it seems Like he seizes up or freezes or something .It's so strange, in that I've never experienced being at the receiving end of it before.
Agree about using childhood issues as a reason. He's an adult nowz
We have had very minor niggles and he was determined for us to talk things out , which we did ; and resolved the small stuff.
But this was a big disagreement. He was totally wrong, accepted that but took himself off initially to avoid the conflict.
Yes he hoped that I'd come running after him I'm sure. That seems to be his previous experience but fuck no, that wasn't and won't be happening. That led to him contacting me to meet to sort stuff . It's baby steps at the moment but it is something I really need to thrash out with him so he is absolutely clear that I have no interest in ever dealing with issues like this, again.. It's very childish but I do like him. We are fundamentally compatible which is why I was asking if anyone had this experience. I'd like us to work.

Have you thought about marriage counselling OP. It's a neutral space where you can both learn communication techniques. Otherwise I don't really know what to suggest as it sounds like a trauma response from his childhood. You could try learning new strategies for sorting out disagreements. Read up on it perhaps and check out the Relate website. This is something you both need to work on.

I think it’s absolutely fine for somebody who knows they need a bit of calm time after an argument to say “I need a bit of a breather to calm down, this is more about me than you” and for them to take a couple of hours to themselves.

Shutting down with the expectation that your partner will follow after you apologising and begging you to speak with them is absolutely not on. As is the “calming down” period turning into several days of not speaking to or contacting your partner aka silent treatment. You cannot have a relationship with somebody who thinks that several days is reasonable processing time after an argument, during which time they’ll ignore you. You need to be clear that you won’t put up with that and he has two options: he seeks to work on better coping mechanisms or the next time it happens, you’ll consider the relationship over.

I Couldn't agree more.
I know that many people dislike confrontation but I've yet to come across somebody who shuts down like this.
It's really shitty behaviour too and very disrespectful.

Of course it's manipulative. It might not be evil, but it's manipulative - he doesn't like conflict, he doesn't like admitting he's wrong and so his response is to disappear so that the other person is frantic and begging him to talk to him. This allows him to avoid having to deal with any actual fall out from the issue in the first place.

Removing yourself for a short period to process/deal/calm down is one thing but if I'm reading between the lines here, this is more of a "disappear for a week, no contact at all" kind of situation? How does that work long term? What happens when you have a life and ids together? Does he just withdraw? And this is how you are punished when HE is in the wrong? I dread to think what happens when YOU are in the wrong.

If he's aware of it and is genuinely self aware, he should go and seek help and/or put in place actual plans.

I don't think it's nice to call a trauma response shitty behaviour. I'm not saying you need to put up with it but it seems like he can't help it at the moment. He needs to go to therapy. It he won't I don't think your relationship can work.

@Yuckypretty

I don't think it's nice to call a trauma response shitty behaviour. I'm not saying you need to put up with it but it seems like he can't help it at the moment. He needs to go to therapy. It he won't I don't think your relationship can work.

I really want to agree with this... but I can't. Because you're right, if it's a genuine trauma response, then of course, he deserves sympathy and support. But if this has been going on for years, and was a feature of previous relationships (and possibly, relationship breakdowns?), then at some point he has to take responsibility and actually DO something about it.

I really want to agree with this... but I can't. Because you're right, if it's a genuine trauma response, then of course, he deserves sympathy and support. But if this has been going on for years…

It’s my response and no matter how much counselling or help or support I’ve had, it’s still my response.
I would rather go and hide for 3 days than deal with something. I have managed to turn this into a few hours, a day at most to collect myself, get my bearings and process what is happening.

I think a compromise is for OP to leave him to it for a few hours and then for him to make the effort to talk about it.

Re the trauma response explanation, it can also be pretty traumatic for the person on the receiving end to be suddenly abandoned and ignored.

Re trauma response - it's an ingrained behaviour from childhood. Flight/Fight/Freeze/Fawn are just knee jerk reaction to those with childhood trauma. He can't help it if that's what it is it's just how his mind reacts to potential aggression. The reason I suggested counselling is so that both can learn what triggers the response and find other ways of resolving it without triggering him.

He responds with 'flight'; he just runs and hides. It's not an excuse and he's not being manipulative (as far as I'm aware, I'm just going by the OP) but the couple need to work out a way of resolving differences and counselling or reading up on different strategies (that they both do, not jus the OP) in order to resolve differences.

There's a load of info on the Relate site on arguing and resolving differences: www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict

It sounds like this is a fairly new relationship and if that’s the case I don’t think it’s wise to go to counselling.

These are his issues for him to resolve. The op doesn’t need to be involved in that process.

How long are you saying he will go without contact? I lived with someone who did this (but after blowing up at me first, so that one was not afraid of conflict). It was ridiculous trying to parent together with him ignoring me for five days after some perceived slight.

In your position right now, I would watch what happens after your next argument. He knows already that you will not chase him and give him the upper hand, so perhaps he won't bother using this with you again.

Maybe two- three days without contact or basic acknowledgement that he's alive and well!!

Maybe two- three days without contact or basic acknowledgement that he's alive and well!!

That’s not acceptable. Tell him you understand he needs time to process but it needs to be limited to an afternoon and then things need dealing with.
I understand him because I’m the same but it’s not fair on you and in a relationship you have to think about the other person.