How do I deal with a DDay anniversary

[p12241342]

I’m a man and I’m looking for a bit of advice.

Just under 12 months ago my wife of 19 years cheated on me having a 2 and a half month affair. Shortly we will be coming up to the point of the “this time last year”

There will be many points where “this time last year” will be relevant.

This time last year, we started texting
This time last year, we first met up
This time last year, we first kissed
This time last year, we had sex and so on
This time last year DDay

There are so many milestones and it feels like and just going to have to relive them and the trauma all over again.

I have spoken to my wife and she said she doesn’t think that. I shouldn’t think that way. I have said to her, how will you not be thinking that way? She said she won’t be thinking that, but we all know she will.

I feel the anxiety building and don’t know what to do as my head feels like it’s going to explode. I feel the same kind of feelings creeping in that I felt on and around the months after DDay. When I found out about the affair, I kept telling myself it was a fling, it wasn’t a long affair. But I’m going to have to live it all over again and that’s going to be a long couple of months and will show me just how long 2 months really is.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can overcome this or deal with it, or even just a few words from someone that’s been there or living it right now. I have seen that people say that the build-up to the milestones are worse than the days themselves. But I don’t know how I’m going to sit here on the day and the exact time that they had sex this time last year.

My wife and I have decided to make another go of things. We have moved city’s, changed telephone numbers, closed social media accounts in order to limit contact with the AP. Things are hard and I relive and talk about the trauma every single day and there are times where my wife does get frustrated, she will answer the same questions and witness my pain over and over again every single day.

If I’m 100% honest, I’m not sure if my wife is over her AP. She says he means nothing and it was all a horrible mistake. She says she sees the hurt she has caused and just how wrong it was. Are these just words. Is she just telling me what I need to hear. Because how can she have a 2 month affair and state he made her happy and then on the other hand, say he meant nothing to her and means nothing to her and just wants to put her family back together.

Surely if he made her so happy, she can’t just forget him and loose feelings for him over night.

@picklemewalnuts

I see what you are saying and if it was a few years down the line I could accept that, but she will remember the dates. May be not the times, but the dates for sure.

About 5 months past DDay she told me the date that they had there first kiss. I asked how she was able to remember this 5 months on if it meant nothing to her. She says she didn't know why but she remembers it because it means something to her.

Im not too sure

I haven't had an affair either, but what your wife told you about it feeling unreal is what lots of cheats say, apparently. Makes sense to me as I would think most people have had an experience of ignoring something that bothers us - not seeing what we don't want to see. So if there's a nagging voice in the back of your head saying "Shouldn't be doing this!" then maybe your brain just says "la la la, can't hear you!", hence the detached sensation.

If your wife wants to be with this guy, why do you think she isn't?

I think this is the 3rd (if I'm not mistaken) thread you've made, and they have all said the same thing.

I am very close to this type of situation and have said before that the feelings your wife felt was more than likely limerence, not love. When your world comes crashing down you suddenly realise that the fantasy you've been living was not real life in the slightest. As time goes on your wife is probably feeling even more clarity.

You have said on all of your threads that these same questions keep coming, and it's been a year. That really isn't fair. A year is definitely no time at all in the healing process of an affair but the relentless questions, when she has already answered them a hundred times is not helpful to you or your recovery.

At some point you have to start recovering. And if you think you can't move past the stage you're at now it's fairer on your both to end things, even if you still love her. It's okay to say you've tried but it isn't enough.

Communication about the affair should continue, working out why and what you can both do to avoid a repeat situation. You feeling sad should be met with empathy and support, and affection. For as long as you need it. But please stop with the questions, especially if they are the same ones.

I will go over the same questions and when they have been answered, I will have another set of questions and then when they have been answered I will go back to the start and do it all again
Sounds like my experience. I don't think it's unusual in itself, but it could be bad for your health if you encourage it, and don't do much for your mental health. Counselling is just one way you can look after yourself. You could also look into physical exercise, meditation/mindfulness, anti-depressants, changing your routine...

I think you're being manipulated. You're going to have to be the perfect person in the future to keep hold of her. Do you really want to live like this? Watching every one of your words and actions, just in case she strays again?
She's playing the pick me dance!
Sometimes people are not really in love with you. They love you because you love them!

A narcissists dream is your destruction.

Perhaps you should take the opportunity to discover what you want in life.

For me it was a someone who was faithful, loyal, honest, dignified, truthful and open, your wife is none of these things.

You're in love with a lie. See this as a cleansing!! You'll be a lot happier without her.

Also have a read of the chump lady blog.

The "pick-me dance" is when the person who has been cheated on tries to act really nicely so that the cheater will stay with them. OP is not playing the pick-me dance: quite the opposite, he's not letting his wife off the hook, he's been tough with her and is making her do the things she says, not the other way around. His wife is having to be perfect to stay with him.

What I'd say OP is doing is a form of hysterical bonding. His fear of being alone / his life changing / a chapter in his life ending / being rejected is all making him feel more attached to his wife than ever: she's as mythically desirable as the one who got away, even though she hasn't left.

I just don't see how someone can have an affair and admit that they were happy and then say the affair meant nothing to them and neither day the affair partner. At the time she told the AP she missed him and even said she loved him. honestly? If you are still reliving the trauma every day and bombarding your wife with the same questions over and over, day after day, month after month, you clearly haven't forgiven her, can't forgive her and you should call it a day for both your sakes. I'm surprised she hasn't said it's not working. What do you expect her to say that she hasn't said already?

If you really want your marriage to work you need to move on from this. Stop festering, stop questioning. Take her at her word that she wants to work on your relationship. If you really can't get past it then for the sake of your happiness and mental health you need to divorce.

It's called "affair season" which basically covers the start of the affair right up to D Day.

You'll find yourself almost re-living the affair. I think this is the human brain trying to make sense of the trauma it's experienced. You may find that other dates can be painful as well like wedding anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine's Day etc.

Recovery from your spouse's affair can take between 3-5 years. Only you can decide whether it's something that you can endure.

A coping measure that can be helpful to deploy on days that are "triggering" you: make plans to spend time with friends or other family members. Get yourself away from your spouse on those days so you can process

It's a horrific time but it does get easier. However as someone who is 4 years out, I think it's easier now for me as I no longer love my spouse. My life and my focus is on my children and I. Once the child rearing part is done, I will be free to make a different life for myself.

@ravenmum

A narcissist will use tears/blame shifting/guilt shifting in order to avoid the inevitable. this is a form of "pick me dance" tactics

[quote Mysticguru]@ravenmum

A narcissist will use tears/blame shifting/guilt shifting in order to avoid the inevitable. this is a form of "pick me dance" tactics[/quote]
OP has not described his wife as doing any of those things, though

This is a really interesting thread. I got drunk and kissed a friend in the house DW and I lived in. We have since moved. It was eight years ago. DW can recall the exact date and time. She carries a photo on her phone of me and the other woman taken that evening. She says she knew I would cheat that night and calls it an affair. I won't argue semantics but I don't know why I did what I did, I wasn't interested in the other person when sober. It was probably a narcissistic act of self destructiveness.

What is relevant is DW lost all trust for me then, although there was always a lack of trust and fear as DW and I met through an exit emotional affair for both of us. Really telling is a few weeks ago as we flounder to save our marriage DW once again got me to recount exactly what had happened, why I had done it, what had happened afterwards in forensic detail. She also said "it wasn't 8 years ago" without realising because for her it is only 'logically' 8 years ago, it feels to her like yesterday. It is a trauma memory.

OP is this how it feels for you? My infidelity feels like 8 years ago to me and for your DW it may feel like a year ago now. But we weren't traumatised.

How you move forward I don't know. I feel I should stay with DW even though she will never trust me again because she wants me to and I deserve to suffer. Is that what you want your relationship with DW to be like from now on? Might a fresh start actually be better for you? For her?

One year probably feels like a great deal of time but in terms of affair recovery, it is not. You will likely be triggered and it's how you and your partner deal with it when you are that will be what you need to focus on.

@Notsuchaniceguy How you move forward I don't know. I feel I should stay with DW even though she will never trust me again because she wants me to and I deserve to suffer. Is that what you want your relationship with DW to be like from now on? Might a fresh start actually be better for you? For her?

No-one deserves to be punished for eight years for a drunken mistake. I honestly believe that people should only stay together if they really can move past it, otherwise you are both being condemned to a half-relationship with no trust and often very little joy and you both deserve more.

[quote RestingPandaFace]**@Notsuchaniceguy How you move forward I don't know. I feel I should stay with DW even though she will never trust me again because she wants me to and I deserve to suffer. Is that what you want your relationship with DW to be like from now on? Might a fresh start actually be better for you? For her?

No-one deserves to be punished for eight years for a drunken mistake. I honestly believe that people should only stay together if they really can move past it, otherwise you are both being condemned to a half-relationship with no trust and often very little joy and you both deserve more.[/quote]
Well DW would say it wasn't just a drunken mistake, that it was symptomatic of something else being wrong. Which was true, a narcissistic self destructive act on my part after a me gaining a major life changing achievement a month before it happened.

And it's debatable as to whether I'm punished. More that I'm not trusted, which is valid as I acted out something when I was drunk. In a really shitty way. And since we have tried to address our problems in the last month things have been 'better'. DW tells me she loves me and wants me, although we do have long conversations about my failings that end with me being told she loves and needs me and all she wants is to be loved in return. And outside of those conversations we are being nicer. Like housemates who really make time for each other in some ways. And as I did wrong what moral right do I have to hurt her once again by leaving.

She might not remember.
For comparison I’ve had 2 miscarriages and couldn’t now tell you the date they happened. Not even the year without some serous thinking and work it out. I made an effort to not remember. But others will have it engrained in their hearts etc

@CushionSpiral

Thanks for getting in touch.

Im sorry for your lose. And do agree that people simply can not remember.

However she remembers all the milestone dates as they mean something to here.

I asked how she was able to remember this 5 months on if it meant nothing to her. She says she didn't know why but she remembers it because it means something to her
She remembered it five months on, and said it was because it meant something to her at the time.
Have you asked her now if it means something to her now, and whether she remembers the dates now?