Do I leave abusive marriage, if so how?

[Evecob]

Please can I have some advice. This isnt the full picture but its most of it.

We are married with a 3 year old and 1 year old. Emotional amd verbal abuse his end. He gets mad and cant control his anger sometimes, hits things throws things , stands there shouting at me for long periods of time etc. An incident at new years scared me and i told him we need to separate. He was very apologetic, admitting fault, taking responsibility for our marriage falling apart etc amd said we should try couples counselling. I didnt think it was the right choice, told him i wasnt sure, still think splitting is best. He didnt take me seriously kept showing me love and affection the next morning etc until 2 weeks later. The 3 days he took me seriously were awful, he told me i was abusive, told me i called him.names when i didnt, and got mad at me when i said i didnt, said im gaslighting him! And im just as bad as he is..., he got mad and grabbed my head in a disagreement, and i felt so trapped by the way he was being i agreed to couples counselling. This was 1 week ago.

We have a high mortgage we only just took out last year in joint names. 2 children in nursery 4 days a week.

He already said he wont leave the house if we split. We would havr to puy the house on the market if we divorce, im.not sure i can afford to live there alone even though i work full time.

I have no family where we live to move to with the kids. My mum is 35 min drive away and has space but it will put the kids out too much, and my full time job, for that commute to send them to nursery and back 4 days its not feasible!
I have phoned womens aid but it hasnt been very useful.
I dont think i can risk separating again in fear he will escalate. I also do still wonder if couples counselling will work as he is showing signs that he wants to change, has put the effort in to find counsellors and into our relationship again.

What should I do?

What would you tell a friend to do?

You should not go to couples counselling with this man. He will simply learn more of your vulnerabilities and use it to find new ways to abuse you.

I am sorry you are going through this. If he is shouting and being verbally abusive and the children can see and hear him it could damage them, equally spitting up could damage them. If he is physically abusive you need professional help and advice. Can you find a lawyer that can meet with you to go through your options? If you still love him and want the marriage to work you need to have backup and to be as certain as you can be that both you and your children will be safe with him. Please seek professional help and support. It may look horrendous now, but with the right advice and friends and family to support you, you can hopefully find a way through this and be your happy self again as soon as possible. Good luck

Hi.

I don't have any great advice but I'm pretty much in the same situation. I'm looking to get an occupation order as my husband won't take me seriously that I want to separate. You can do it for free through the citizens advice bureau. I feel totally alone and helpless. I don't want to loose my lovely house but equally I can't carry on with his angry outbursts. I feel so guilty for splitting the family up and it's so hard to know if I'm doing the right thing x

Do you have any savings?

The thing is (going through v similar myself right now) it’s not going to be easy.
You’re not going to split up, live in a big house with the kids happily ever after. BUT in time that’s where you will end up. You have to be willing to sacrifice in the short term to ensure a good long term.

So main priority is to get away from him.
Can you rent a small house/flat?
Can you stay with family/friends?
Can you self refer to a refuge?

Take a bag of id, paperwork and clothes.

Contact a solicitor and file for divorce and put the house on the market. If he’s a good dad arrange a legal contact order and a third party for handover.

I have already spoken to a solicitor last week who has given me a cost breakdown and some advice, but I am still unsure of how I can safely split. I dont want to get an injunction as that may affect gis ability to see the kids and he is a good dad.
There is still love there but also a lot of resentment on my side now. My 3 year old has seen some of his anger, though not often.

I have confided in a few people around me, though i have had mixed advice.

Thabks for your replies

@LouisaBeara

Hi.

I don't have any great advice but I'm pretty much in the same situation. I'm looking to get an occupation order as my husband won't take me seriously that I want to separate. You can do it for free through the citizens advice bureau. I feel totally alone and helpless. I don't want to loose my lovely house but equally I can't carry on with his angry outbursts. I feel so guilty for splitting the family up and it's so hard to know if I'm doing the right thing x

Hi, sorry you're going through it too :( it is difficult. Tearing the family up is a scary thing... but mental health is too and I know mine is suffering a lot.

Do you have savings? I do have some savings but that will likely be eaten up by divorce/solicitors, through settlement and childcare arrangements! The stress of trying to sell our house and finding somewhere else in this market with a 50:50 split will be tough.
The solicitors just tell me its cheaper to agree and my husband will definitely want a 50 split even if I have the kids.

There's savings in the joint account but not in mine. I don't feel like there is any help for us. There's no clear help. I rang a solicitor and they are charging£180 just for an initial meeting! I don't see why I should take the kids out of their home. I also don't think that a 'good dad' would emotionally abuse their mother. I'm going to do everything I can to get him out

Domestic violence entitles you to legal aid. Have you actually told the solicitor about the DV? You won't get correct advice if not. And it sounds like you're not getting correct advice if they're talking in those terms.

Have your reported the latest assault to the police?

Why was your conversation with Women's Aid not useful? Have you spoken to them about a safe exit plan and navigating the aftermath?

Done the Freedom Programme course yet? I assume not if you're labouring under the misapprehension that your child could be unaffected. The evidence shows that an abusive home affects any child living in it. They don't have to see the abuse to be affected by it. For starters, it's terrifying to hear stuff being thrown at mum and not knowing if she's safe.

That's not your fault but it is important for you to understand and reflect in your decision making. Good dads don't assault their child's mum. Good dads don't damage their child's development by exposing them to an abusive home.

Joint therapy is dangerous where there is DV and should not occur. No reputable or competent therapist would ever agree to it.

You sound very much in denial. To move forward you need to accept this is DV and start asking for help whilst explaining that in those terms - "I am experiencing domestic violence". Otherwise nobody can help you. And you deserve help.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This was me 2 years ago. I now am separated, we live in separate houses with separate finances. It has been hard I'm not going to pretend it hasn't. I will say this won't get better. I'm sorry but it just won't. I believed it would. He said the right things, but at the end, he knew what to say to get me to stay for the behaviour to then get worse.

I can't tell you whether to leave or not. However I suspect you already know the answer. And finances are not a reason to stay. We were in a similar financial situation. I work part time due to childcare. Daughter in childcare, big mortgage, large amount of debt, family a long way away.

In the end I made him leave, and move in with his family. Some solicitors will offer q free initial consultation. Or free advice to women in your situation. I found a lovely lady who was amazing. We ended up selling the house. The good thing was yhe market was buoyant, which ensured we got a good price for the house, and gave us some equity to share. I've bought a shared ownership property.

Confide in friends and family. Get help and support from your family.

You can't do counselling with an abuser - they just use it as another weapon to attack you with.
He's a nasty, violent, abusive piece of shit.
Your job is to literally save yourself and protect your DC.
Forget the house it's just bricks and mortar - it's not the safe, loving environment you and DC need.
If it were me, I'd take the DC and move into my DM's house. Tell her about the abuse and get her support. Don't worry about disrupting the DC's normal routine as that pales into insignificance when compared to escaping an abusive marriage. Arrange a new nursery, closer to your DM's. A 35 minute drive is nothing really for a supposedly loving father to travel to see/collect his DC.
Get away from this man - save yourself from years of pointless pain and misery (as abusers seldom, if ever, change) and save your DC from growing up in a toxic environment, watching you be abused.

Don't go to counselling with an abuser. A good therapist won't see you together if they see the abuse.

You can get legal aid if you're suffering abuse. Try the Family Law Panel for a solicitor trained in DV. Some have sliding fees, others do legal aid and give a free hour: thefamilylawpanel.org/

in the meantime, get your paperwork sorted to show the solicitor. You can contact the NCDV and ask them about an occupation order to remove him from the house, you can do it yourself for free or they can advise if you are entitled to it. At the moment it's your word against his unless you have evidence but it's worth finding out where you stand.

Its a myth that they cant control their anger op. It's just what they want you to think. Abusers aren't abusive because they are angry - they are angry because they are abusive. It is a deliberate tactic to scare and intimidate you.

Leave, and if he escalates, that's what the police are for.

Never go to couples therapy with an abuser. They will twist it to further beat you down.

He doesn't want to change. He likes abusing you.

Get yourself out of there before your kids grow up thinking its normal for partners to abuse them.

Speak to a solicitor to see what they suggest. You will be entitled a share of the home if it is owned.

If your husband truly respected you, he wouldn’t verbally abuse you, gaslight you or grab your head. This is your husbands problem not yours and you don’t have to tolerate it.