Is my Dd abusive like her dad?

[despairdaughter]

NC. A few weeks back Dd got very verbally aggressive and threatened to break my arm. She has been banned from the house and is living with her dad. This happens in cycles where she rejects her dad and favours me and tells everyone how crap he is and how unhappy she is with him then she comes home after seeing him and all hell breaks loose and she's verbally abusive, aggressive, threatening and bloody scary and off she goes again because she doesn't want to be here and I have to think about her younger siblings who are witness to this each time. She's 15. Then time passes and she's the Dd of old who is loving and respectful and apologetic and promises to be a better person.
Her dad is an abusive bastard and we've been separated 10 years and divorced about 4. Court, cafcass and social services have not helped because he plays Mr Nice Guy and tells them all I'm crazy and that the dc need to be away from me. He has worked on Dd for years alienating her and now he's trying with her younger sibling who isn't falling for his lies.
How can I deal with this? I feel happy when she's home and lovely and guilty for not letting her in the house (she steals too) then when she's awful I'm reminded of how bad things can be and I feel stuck in this cycle of fear, guilt and sadness. I love her so much and would do anything to help her. I've been her primary and for some years, only care-giver but she's totally rejected me now until she wants me again. I'm so tired of it. It's worse than being with exH.

She sounds traumatised and unable to cope with the abuse the family has been subjected to. Dad's house is probably chaotic with no boundaries. Let me guess: He dominates the hell out of those he is meant to love while simultaneously neglecting them. Perhaps he's not even home half the time. That's just a guess. But I bet it absolutely sucks going there. Are you worried about sexual abuse, OP?
Sorry to throw that out there (my own daughter has been sexually abused by her father- my former husband- and the dead giveaway was utter rage. But rage can be a response to any type of abuse, not only sexual).
It sounds like she's incredibly angry with her father but she doesn't dare express this to him... so she expresses her anger to you because she know she can. You're safe! You can carry her anger and she knows this. Unfortunately, yes, she is abusing you. She's 15 and doesn't quite understand this. But I think it's really important that you talk to her (over and over again...) and try and get to the root of her trauma and rage. She needs to understand what is driving it so that she can find peace in her day.

Your poor daughter has no safe space. Her father is a monster, and when she kicks off due to her trauma, you send her right back to her abuser. How does this make sense?

You are spot on except there's no sexual abuse towards her. There was to me. I'm sorry your daughter went through that. The professionals can't or won't see it though and court have decided she's old enough to make her own mind up. I can't protect her and the professionals can't/won't and he's a useless excuse for a father.

@Aquamarine1029 she runs away from here all the time putting herself in danger but generally runs off to him. She is violent to her younger siblings, court and social services don't see him as an issue. She has numerous assaults against me and her siblings logged with the police. She won't go to mental health appointments, she skips school, she's shoplifting, and god knows what else but I'm powerless because she runs away from me. She is ok at school and socially when here but can only maintain that for so long before she runs again. I'm her only constant. She knows this and goes through phases of acting on that knowledge but then off she goes again when he whispers more poison into her ear.

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds very hard.

Are there any alternatives to her going to live with her father? It sounds as though these episodes further damage her and perpetuate the problem. Possibly also confirm to her any feelings she has about being difficult or unloved.

She's certainly not difficult or unloved. I do think she is neurodiverse like me but no one is listening about that either. Meetings keep being cancelled where we are supposed to have a plan for her. I just wish I could whisk the dc and me away somewhere remote (or away from her father at least) for a few months to reset us all as it were.

There's no where else for her to go. No family close by. Her dad is at work all hours and rarely there so her paternal grandmother looks after her but she's just as toxic and believes I'm evil.