Feeling sorry for my kids

[2otheleft]

Not sure what advice if any I'm looking for but I just felt the need to write this down. Just feeling a little low today and coming here usually helps.

I'm a single mum to 3 children with no support around me. My older 2 no longer want to visit their dad a d he makes no effort to try and resolve this and my youngest dad has other priorities...as in this weekend he was meant to have him but he told me he had to work, but I've found out today that was a lie and hes been playing football with his team 10 mins away from here....why couldn't he just come for an hour just so our son could see his dad??!

But because I'm spending all the time being full time mum (apart from work, in which I work with kids also) I'm just feeling drained, and once I've made us tea in the evening I'm literally counting down this minutes until the kids go to bed so I can just watch something I want on TV! How bad and selfish is that!!!

I've tried playing games and doing stuff with them in the evening but it almost always turns to the kids fighting or just preferring to play on their Xbox. Just feel like my kids deserve so much more than me as a mum and their dads as their dads!!
They don't have family to spend time with as all of mine have passed away or live hours away. I'm worried at how this is going to effect them as they grow older. I deserve all the abuse I get so please don't hold back. Just wanted to write it down. Got no one else to talk to.

I think you deserve a medal actually rather than abuse and you'll certainly get no abuse from me. You're basically worn out and run down. Your exs are twats of the first order and your eldest two no longer want to see their father likely because they've worked out who he is. These types of men only care for their own stupid selves.

You as their mother have made a consistent effort with them and continue to do so; they really do need one consistent and reliable parent they can trust and count on. That is you and they know this, you truly have their back.

May I ask how old your children are roughly; siblings do bicker and fight now and again. If you're still feeling low I would urge you to contact your GP and or the Samaritans; you do not have to feel suicidal to call them. Is there a Gingerbread group in your area; this may also be worth investigating www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Thank you for your kind reply. My children are primary school age...I know the bickering is just what siblings do and honestly they are really good kids...it's just when I'm in one room doing something they can be destroying the next room...but I know that's life as a single mum! I have had medication for depression a few years ago and thought I got past that, this past year since leaving my ex has been the best year of my life, I've felt really happy but I get my days like today and everyday I lack motivation to do anything....I just put it down to laziness I think...and tiredness but mostly laziness...

You sound incredible to me doing all the parenting alone. It's so hard.
Do what you need to to get through. Tell your kids you love them & that you're always there for them, but make sure you have time to yourself doing whatever you need to go recharge your batteries. 💐

No, stop being so hard on yourself right now!

You sound like an incredible mum, you are the one constant in their lives and they’ll never forget that.

It’s hard, it’s bloody relentless mostly, but you are not a terrible mum. Let them go on the Xbox for an extra hour and put your feet up

I think you have a tough gig .

I find it hard to get though the days sometimes and I only have one child (and a partner to help as well). I'm not going to lie, sometimes it gets to bedtime and I'm doing a little jig round the hall (at least mentally) because it's nice finally to have some time to myself.

What I find helps me is to divide the weekend into 'quality time' and 'ignore time'. Quality time is when I'm focused on my DS, we're playing games or with toys together or we're out of the house at the playground or for a walk. Ignore time is when I try my best not to have to interact with my DS and retreat to the kitchen with a coffee and my book. I usually stick on a film or get out some toys that haven't been seen for a while or just tell my DS, "Mummy is busy right now. You need to go and play by yourself until I've finished" (although this has mixed success!). And I feel no guilt for having several hours of ignore time each weekend day so long as it's balanced with quality time. I'm not sure how well this would work with 3, but I don't think you should feel any guilt for not always being emotionally available. You're doing a great job.

You don't deserve any abuse.

You are doing what you can.

Maybe do a deal with the kids that they can play X box but knew day a week is board game day. And take little steps to introduce family time. You don't say their ages but it sounds like they are normal kids doing normal every day life so you aren't failing at anything.

I think you're amazing. I was a single mum of one and that was hard. I think you may be underestimating how good a job you're doing. And I'm pretty sure it's standard parenting to count the minutes til bedtime and look forward to a bit of me /adult time. Everyone I know does it! X

Wow op echoing everyone else. If you kids are fed, safe and happy then you should be too. You sound like you're doing amazing. And kids love to play alone, if youre too tired sometimes to play, don't feel guilty. I think things will look up in the summer when you can take them to the park etc and the fresh air will help you :)

Do not put yourself down as you are doing great and always there for your children. As another poster has said maybe once/twice a week do a board game that you can all sit around and have a laugh with or just do the family movie when you are tired and they are restless. Make some microwave popcorn and relax together. Us mum's always feel guilty or bad but do the dad's that put themselves first NO. They are the selfish ones. I would have a talk with your ex and tell him he cannot let his son down as it is just not fair on him. Be kind to yourself and when everyone is restless wrap up and head out for a walk and it will do you all good.

Thank you all for your nice comments and advice. I've just spent the last hour reading bedtime stories to my youngest who is now fast asleep. I live in a 2 bed house so he sleeps in with me for the moment and the older two share a bedroom. I'm hoping this year to have a little room downstairs put in as it's a large open area so will just about fit a room big enough for a bed for just me...so my eldest can have her own space and the boys can share. We've been on a few long walks the past few weekends...I want to get a dog at some point too to join us once I can afford it, this will also help with one of my boys who's just been diagnosed with SPD...he is a completely different person round a dog, they seem that have a calming effect on him. Thank you again for all your words...I'm feeling better than I did after a good cry to myself and reading this thread.

you are so welcome. Done it all on my own as well and know at times how hard it is and how a good cry can help. I had no support either but you and your children will have such a strong bond. Dogs do have a calming effect I agree. Sending you big hugs and be kind to yourself. Sometimes we all need a break and most of the time we do not get it if have no support so really I do understand and it does help to know people get that as so many have no empathy.

Whenever you're feeling low op read our comments. Theyre all true. Keep going for walks and reading with the kids thats a great way to spend time with them. Youre doing fab, don't forget that!

OP, just echoing what previous posters have said. Where do we send your medal?! You sound like an incredible mum to your children (note, incredible, not perfect - you must give yourself a break!). They are so lucky to have you, and that grounding support and love you are giving them will take them so far in life. You should be really proud of all you've achieved.

Your plans for the future re. another small bedroom and getting a dog sound great. Keep planning little things to look forward to, and make sure you plan nice things for yourself. Whatever floats your boat - a yoga YouTube video after the kids are in bed, a large bar of chocolate, a bubble bath! Also, reach out for support where you can - I know you say your family are far away, but if it's feasible for any of them to visit you and the kids, giving you a bit of respite, plan that. Also if you have a friend who you think might be able to babysit one night, go out for a drink with a friend etc. You are deserving of good things that make you happy, and you are doing an amazing job. Please don't forget that. Sending you lots of love.