Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else in a relationship they are waiting to get out of?

21 replies

Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 17:10

I’m 34, married 7 years / together for 13. We have a 4 year old. For the last year or so I’ve debated leaving, questioned if I’m happy so many times. In the last month I’ve decided I’m done with the relationship.

But… we’re in the process of moving house to another area that I’ve wanted to move to for years (closer to my family). He has never wanted to move, so this was a negotiation and part of our pact of working on our relationship which we discussed last summer. I know that leaving the relationship now could disrupt the sale of our home and could make him stubborn about moving altogether. I don’t feel that I can risk that. Leaving him without family nearby to help would be so stressful, so I’m planning on staying for now, to complete the move, settle our son into his new school etc. and then I’ll leave.

So for now I’m stuck in a marriage I don’t want to be in and probably will be so for the next 6 months or more. I also feel guilty for the fact I’m hiding this all from my husband. I would love to connect with anyone going through something similar.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 06/02/2022 17:13

An you rent in the new area? Better than buying and gives you a bit longer to decide.

If you move alone you’ll be responsible for arranging collection and delivery for access etc, if they are in school they can fight to keep them in your current place. You can suck it up for 6 months

Dillydollydingdong · 06/02/2022 17:16

Am I misunderstanding this? You've both agreed to sell up and move, but you intend to leave him once the new house in a different area is bought. And he didn't want to move anyway. Isn't that rather underhand? Isn't he entitled to know what's going on? Sell the house now, split the proceeds and then you can both decide what to do and where to go.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 06/02/2022 17:19

So you think its ok to make him move even though he doesn't want to when you are planning on leaving the relationship anyway? Wow, thats awful.

WhiteFawn · 06/02/2022 17:23

I think you have to follow your own instincts OP as no-one knows the full picture except you. Perhaps its slightly "unfair" but you also have to think of yourself and the future of you caring for your 4 year old and being closer to family around to help you in this. When the relationship finally ends he will have the freedom to move to wherever he wants to quickly, and as most men do not take on the main responsibility of childcare I think that this might actually work best for everyone (especially if he proves to be obstructive in any way).

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/02/2022 17:31

It’s not unfair. My friend moved away from family and now has children, they’ve split and there’s a court order preventing her from moving away.

She has no support here. Children are settled in school etc, had they moved, he could’ve moved back and she wouldn’t be in this position.

Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you have to play the system.

Eleganz · 06/02/2022 17:56

Sounds a bit calculating to me sorry OP. He believes you are genuinely committed to working on the relationship and that this move is part of that. Whereas you are actually just positioning yourself to have better support and for him to be more isolated when you split. At the end of the day that tells me you should not be together as you clearly don't really care what happens to him.

All I will say in terms of things for you to think on is that this may make your divorce much rougher and drawn out than it would be otherwise. He will likely feel very betrayed and that will influence his willingness it compromise during the negotiations ahead. It could be very bitter and damaging not just to you but to your kids too.

isthismylifenow · 06/02/2022 18:10

OP, did I read this right. You are looking to connect to some one else who is a similar position to you. Which is making your husband uproot as per your mutual agreement for a new start and to improve your marriage, to leave him when you get there.

Why don't you leave and start divorcing him now. While you presumably have a house sale going through.

Because a divorce after this is not going to be an easy ride I am quite sure.

spotcheck · 06/02/2022 18:18

Just pull out of the house you are trying to buy, but continue with the sale of your current home.

You have to just be brave, and have that difficult conversation. You are being very very dishonest here, and it could have long ramifications

Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 18:54

@BluebellsGreenbells

An you rent in the new area? Better than buying and gives you a bit longer to decide.

If you move alone you’ll be responsible for arranging collection and delivery for access etc, if they are in school they can fight to keep them in your current place. You can suck it up for 6 months

We’re tied into our mortgage for another 4 years so we’re planning on buying in the new area. I imagine then either he’d move out or I’d move again and try and keep the mortgage just in my name.

The main reason I’m not saying anything now before we move is because I worry he would fight me on it and try to keep us here. I have no one who could help me here so he could make things very difficult for me to have my son live with me. I’m not prepared to risk that. So, yes I absolutely can suck it up for another 6 months.

Thanks for understanding!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 19:02

@Dillydollydingdong

Am I misunderstanding this? You've both agreed to sell up and move, but you intend to leave him once the new house in a different area is bought. And he didn't want to move anyway. Isn't that rather underhand? Isn't he entitled to know what's going on? Sell the house now, split the proceeds and then you can both decide what to do and where to go.
No you understand correctly, and yes I feel awful about it but I believe it’s what’s best for myself and my son so I feel I don’t really have another choice. If I asked him to separate now he could refuse to move and then I would be stuck here as my son goes to school here. I would be a single parent in a place I don’t want to be with no family nearby to help me. If we move first I will be 20 minutes from my family and closest friends and he will still only be 20 minutes from his family too. So although I feel guilty and manipulative I feel like I don’t really have a choice.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 19:04

@wanttomarryamillionaire

So you think its ok to make him move even though he doesn't want to when you are planning on leaving the relationship anyway? Wow, thats awful.
He would prefer not to, sure, but he couldn’t afford to stay in our current house without me anyway. I feel the move is best for our son and would make a coparenting relationship easier.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 19:16

@WhiteFawn

I think you have to follow your own instincts OP as no-one knows the full picture except you. Perhaps its slightly "unfair" but you also have to think of yourself and the future of you caring for your 4 year old and being closer to family around to help you in this. When the relationship finally ends he will have the freedom to move to wherever he wants to quickly, and as most men do not take on the main responsibility of childcare I think that this might actually work best for everyone (especially if he proves to be obstructive in any way).
Thank you, my thoughts exactly.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 19:19

@BluebellsGreenbells

It’s not unfair. My friend moved away from family and now has children, they’ve split and there’s a court order preventing her from moving away.

She has no support here. Children are settled in school etc, had they moved, he could’ve moved back and she wouldn’t be in this position.

Life isn’t fair. Sometimes you have to play the system.

That’s awful for your friend and that’s exactly my concern. He can choose to move back if he wishes after we split, but I need my family close if I’m going to be parenting alone. Thanks for the understanding 🙂
OP posts:
Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 19:28

@Eleganz

Sounds a bit calculating to me sorry OP. He believes you are genuinely committed to working on the relationship and that this move is part of that. Whereas you are actually just positioning yourself to have better support and for him to be more isolated when you split. At the end of the day that tells me you should not be together as you clearly don't really care what happens to him.

All I will say in terms of things for you to think on is that this may make your divorce much rougher and drawn out than it would be otherwise. He will likely feel very betrayed and that will influence his willingness it compromise during the negotiations ahead. It could be very bitter and damaging not just to you but to your kids too.

Ouch. It’s such a difficult position to be in, and in no way do I “not care what happens to him”, although reading it as you have done I see how that might come across. Yes, I was prepared to work on the relationship. Our breakdown talks in the summer were the result of an emotional affair on his part, and I laid out what I needed from him for us to keep move forward - moving house, going on dates planned by him (not happened once), him spending more time with my son and I (again, not happened), him getting counselling (not happened) and finally to stop talking to the woman he had the emotional affair with (he didn’t stop, although she eventually did which forced his hand, he still communicates with various women online which he knows I hate). So I feel like I’ve given him a lot of chances to put it right. And despite all of this I feel awful that I just don’t love him anymore 😢 although I do care about what happens to him.

Moving closer to my family doesn’t mean moving away from his as we are already 30 mins from his mum, we will just be 30 mins in the other direction closer to my family.

So, I guess it is calculating, and you’re right, he may well resent me for it and make life more difficult, which would be a shame. But the alternative means giving him all of the power over where our son lives and goes to school and I’m not prepared to risk that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 19:29

@isthismylifenow

OP, did I read this right. You are looking to connect to some one else who is a similar position to you. Which is making your husband uproot as per your mutual agreement for a new start and to improve your marriage, to leave him when you get there.

Why don't you leave and start divorcing him now. While you presumably have a house sale going through.

Because a divorce after this is not going to be an easy ride I am quite sure.

I don’t think divorce is going to be an easy ride either way, and I know doing it this way will certainly end up costing us more financially but if you read some of my other messages you’ll see I’m doing it to be able to put my son in school closer to my family and have a support network when I do eventually leave.
OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 06/02/2022 19:31

I understand and yes you are right and so often and in so many cases the man is not the main parent looking after the child and he usually has a new girlfriend within five minutes and can easily move as not tied to an area. It will be easier all around for you if you have some support and family nearby. Has things happened in the relationship that it cannot be saved. Have you talked to a counsellor on your own or has there been things that happened which means the relationship is truly over. I think moving to be nearer to family is putting your child first and that is what is most important that he has more stability.

Original poster
Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 19:32

@spotcheck

Just pull out of the house you are trying to buy, but continue with the sale of your current home.

You have to just be brave, and have that difficult conversation. You are being very very dishonest here, and it could have long ramifications

Yes I understand that. We have not actually yet found a house to buy and I toy with this idea every day… I just worry about my legal rights in then moving with my son while being separated, and if I’m legally forced to stay I can’t provide the childcare for my son that he needs as I work longer hours and earn double what my husband does, so he does a lot of the childcare. So that could mean I wouldn’t be entitled to 50/50 custody and I simply can’t take that risk with my son 💔
OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 06/02/2022 19:35

I have just read your update and you are right in what you are doing. He did not put you both first when he was online acting like a sleaze and talking to other women when you should have been his priority. He would also still be in contact with this other woman except that she stopped talking to him. Yes move as fast as you can and least you have your family support when he turns, as he will when he realizes you are not prepared to be treated like crap and want a divorce. I could not be with someone who had no respect for me either and he has proven this with his actions. Wish you all the best but get all the advice now that you will need for the future and the break up so you are prepared.

BOOTS52 · 06/02/2022 19:39

Many women put up with this crap and many years later regret it so much as they were co-dependent or didn't have the strength to leave and are miserable and downtrodden. You are brave and you will be fine and have family's support. He is the one who disrespected the marriage and vows. Do not feel any sympathy for him.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/02/2022 20:14

Do what’s right for you OP— he certainly didn’t put you first in the past

Bellyups · 06/02/2022 20:31

You know your situation OP, so you do what you need to. It’s hard being a single mum, so doing what will help you and your DC in the future is important. It’s very easy for the nan to return to an ‘easy life’ post divorce. You need your family support.
Don’t worry about the judgers. I’m sure to get to this point it hasn’t been easy for you.
Good luck.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page