Parents deny favouritism

[Lucypocket9]

I hope this is the right bit of the forum. Sorry if it’s really long.

Not sure if I am posting for advice or just to make sure that I’m not losing the plot to be honest.

I am just fed up of being second best to my sister.

Have had a row with my parents and feel like they are either liars, completely blinkered to everything or I have got it all wrong.

The row came about because I have been paying childminder fees for a few years and my parents said they wouldn’t be able to help with childcare. Fair enough. However my sister is due to go back to work soon after her first maternity leave and I’ve now found out that my parents are doing 3 full days a week childcare for her DC. I said I didn’t think it was right and (perhaps wrongly) brought up lots of things that I thought proved the favouritism over the years. This resulted in DM crying and then DF shouting at me that I’d upset her!! What about me being upset?

I worked through Uni and had very minimal financial support from them. My Sister said she wanted to fully focus on her course and so DP agreed that it was ok for her not to work and they’d financially support her. They charged me board to live at home. I found out years later that she had never paid any. All this stuff is always hidden from me. Then when I find out I am in the wrong for causing bad feeling.

I would be here all day if I brought everything up. But basically, if I have ever been given something she hasn’t then they give her the same so that’s it’s “fair”. But when she gets something I don’t then that’s ok?!

I understand that they don’t owe me anything and that these things are their choice. But it still upsets me. And it would be something if they would at least admit the favouritism. And they always try and use that it’s me bothering about money when it isn’t. It’s just that money is an easy way for me to show the difference in treatment. It happens in loads of otherwise ways as well but that’s harder for me to show as black and white.

You cannot change them.
My DHs mother shows INSANE favouritism and would be equally quick to cry, deny it then demand apologies because she’s Sooooo upset

Personally I’d just withdraw in general, ask them for nothing and offer that only which you can freely and easily give.
How is your relationship with your sister?

My parents are exactly the same with my sister, always have been. They don't see it, always go on how they treat us equally when they never have. She can never do wrong in their eyes and they've bent over backwards to help her and given me nothing. My DM blows up whenever I've said anything.
It's incredibly hurtful, I understand how you're feeling. I don't know what the answer is other than try and accept they will never change as a pp said and that it's them and not you.

This all sounds very familiar.

There were missed birthdays while my sibling got gifts worth hundreds just a couple of months later. My violent father never laid a finger on him. I even gave my mother all my savings to get her house in shape to be sold after my father died (I don't have a house or even a car). She agreed to pay me back via the will and as soon as I handed over my money, she split the will down the middle. My brother got all the money in a savings fund our grandfather set up for us.

She has always responded, "no, that isn't true" when I have brought any of this up.

Favouritism is common in families and in most situations I know of, parents refuse to admit it. It's so destructive, often ruining relationships between siblings. But there is nothing you can do about it.

I found it much easier to deal with when I distanced myself from my family. I hate to have to suggest that, but if you are finding you're angry and are continuing to get angry because they continue the behaviour, then it might be worth considering. It's exhausting to try to change people who don't want to change.

I agree that lowering contact (even no contact) is the answer, but for your own sanity it might be worth writing everything down, both monetary and non-mometary and then sending it to your parents. It won't change anything, but it means you're taking the emotion out of it and is hard to deny when set out in complete, horrible detail. Make clear it's not about money, it's about how it makes you feel - and then withdraw. Good luck.

I am sorry your parents do not want to know. Drop the rope completely here because they will not apologise nor will accept any responsibility for their actions. Your mother is likely the driving force behind the favouritism and your dad is her willing enabler. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your role here is likely to be one of scapegoat.

Do not send them a letter because they could well use your own words against you; toxic people like nothing more than a fight and or the last word. They will certainly see your letter as an attack and will defend their actions to the last. Write it all down by all means and then destroy it.

I would also suggest you read and or post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages; you will get advice there too. You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

I agree with everything @AttilaTheMeerkat said.
I’m from a very dysfunctional family. I sent the letter. Do not send a letter. It will be twisted back on you. A scapegoat doesn’t stop being a scapegoat. They already know the truth of what they are doing to you. You cannot change people like them. Walk away or at least limit the time you spend with them.

Thank you all for your replies. I’m sorry I didn’t reply sooner. I was in a bad head space at the time and feeling worthless. Seems odd for an adult to be so bothered about stuff like this and I feel embarrassed about that.

@Totalwasteofpaper My relationship with my Sister used to be very good. It’s only in recent times that I’ve realised she is aware of the difference in treatment and uses it to her advantage. And there’s plenty of times she’s wanted stuff from me but then when I’ve tried to talk to her about my feelings she just shrugs it off. So I think they’re all as unkind as each other.

@Blossomandbee Thank you for the reassurance that other people are or have been in this situation. I have wondered before if they genuinely don’t think they treat us differently. Or if they do know deep down, but just won’t admit it.

@Antst It is very destructive. And fully agree that it ruins relationships between siblings. I can’t imagine wanting to cause a rift between my DC. It’s so hard to get my head around.

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam I agree that I do need to reduce contact. When I pull back, it’s like I’m ok for a while then when they get back in touch I try to push aside my feelings until then something happens yet again and back to square one.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for the advice to not send a letter. I agree and it would be used against me. Everything I say is. Thank you for the recommendation of that thread, I have posted on what I hope is the right one.

@Fl0w3ry Thank you for sharing your experience and advice not to send a letter. I agree that they just know the truth. But then I struggle to fathom that if they do know then why don’t they change.

It’s not odd in the slightest for an adult to be bothered by this. Don’t let anyone tell you that.

They don't see it

I think it's this though TBH it wasn't terrible in my childhood and I put a lot down to them being youngest and parents having slightly more money or at least not as tight.

But when GC came along it was worse.

My Dad did a whole monologue at me once about how much childcare they'd done - at end I did point none of that was for my children in fact was often a reason my children saw them much less. There was a stunned silence to that.

Odd thing is my parents got very upset in my childhood as their families did that very much favouring other child and GC not us. They can see it with their siblings and their children but not us.

I think most families have parents who favour at least one.
Mine did to a very mild degree and it still hurt when I found out that DM would drive 4 hours to babysit for my sister so she could go out on the piss whereas she wouldn't mind my DS for one hour in a genuine emergency when she was literally sat at home watching tv. Then I started to remember loads more smaller insignificant instances of favouritism.

What that realisation did do though, was strengthen my resolve. I rely on her for nothing and haven't for over a decade - and I never will. I never confronted her because like others say, it's pointless. We didn't fall out, I didn't go NC, but I did withdraw emotionally and the last few years she's been attempting to pay for things for me or offer to babysit and it's her way of trying to get me to need her because she hates that I don't need her - practically or emotionally. She's even tried to 'surprise' me with trips and I just shrug and tell her I can't get time off work. I don't care if she loses money, I never asked for it. Her guilt trips no longer work on me.

In fact, now increasingly, she's the one who needs me. So that's interesting...

Did you send the letter in the end?

I sent a letter to my parents and even though I was really careful to make it just a factual timeline of ''you said x, y, z and that hurt me. You reacted to my hurt as though it was an offensive against you. You were angry with me. So you are allowed a reaction to my telling you that you hurt me, but I am not allowed a hurt reaction to you calling me paranoid, sensitive''. I explained it well. Better than here! I worked on it for ages.

It did not help. They just flung themselves up to the top of the cross. SO WOUNDED.

and gave me the silent treatment.

So that didn't help.

Sorry for your past.
The positive thing is you will certainly be a much better parent be sure you can see how harmful this behaviour is.
As my kids became teens and my own teen memories were more reliable than the younger years, it really stuck out.
My younger brother calls me no 2, we're all aware of the double standards. But DH & I are quite firm that our siblings that have had the money, the childcare, the hospitality will shoulder the caring. Covid has really made a few incidents very obvious.