Am I mad to leave and do this alone?

[pippinpuppy]

DP and I have been together 4 years. We have a 2 year old DS together and I am 9 weeks pregnant.

Things have been rocky since I had PND with DS and DP was worse than useless.

In short he leaves me to do all the housework & work full time. I do everything with DS and if he so much as watches him for 20 mins while I shower he deems it 'childcare'. Our mortgage is crippling me as the lower earner & im miserable.

I stayed to be completely honest because I didn't want to share DS 50/50. I couldn't face being apart from him half the time.

We've been having counselling for some time but nothings changed. I don't love him . This second pregnancy was unplanned & I've decided against a termination for lots of reasons.

If I leave I'll have to move out. There's absolutely no feasibility of me affording our family home. I have nowhere to go. Can't afford to private rent but earn to much for benefits. I feel trapped and sad. I can't face having two young children alone even if I can overcome actually surviving with them. How can I walk out without somewhere to live & how can I find somewhere to live when I'm stuck financially?

I work full time and earn 32k a year. I live in SE and it's crazy expensive but I'm tied here due to work. I can't change jobs because I'm pregnant & I'd sacrifice my generous maternity package for nothing.

I'm so scared of getting PND again. I tried to kill myself when DS was 6 months old. I utterly meant it & 100% would have done it had I not been physically stopped. I can't believe I nearly left my precious baby without a mum but I was so unwell. What if it happens again?

I don't know what to do. I feel trapped.

Would you be able to sell the family home and each buy a cheaper place? It sounds like you're having an utterly miserable time, OP, but there will be a way around the practicalities.

Would he honestly go for 50/50? If he doesn't help now he's not going to magically change overnight.

32k is a decent salary, although not so much in London I agree. Have you looked into whether you'd be entitled to help with UC or childcare costs?

Do you have family nearby who would support you in the early months with your newborn?

It is all do-able but it won't be easy - but may just be the best thing you ever do

We could sell the family home but there would be no equity really once you account for costs. We've only been in a year & the deposit was his from a previous house sale that he brought before we met so I had no stake in.

We own this house 50/50 but he has a deed of trust that his original investment goes back to him. Only the fixed amount, no interest or anything so he's not gathering extra but we've been here such a short time I'd walk away with nothing significant.

I do have family to support me but they're all still working so I realistically it would be somewhat limited, but I'm sure they'd do their best. Unfortunately none of them have any physical space in their houses to accommodate us so I couldn't move there or stay beyond a couple of days emergency or whatever.

I honestly don't know what I'd do in the interim when I still have to pay mortgage etc and move out. How do people manage?

Average rent on a two bed here is 1200 a month, a 3 bed would be more.

I guess when I write it down I think the problem is coming down to not having anywhere to live rather than being on my own with the kids. By the time my Mat leave finishes DS will be eligible for 30hrs which will help enormously. My childcare won't reduce as I'll have #2 to pay for but it won't go up that substantially either.

Yes I think he'd go for 50/50. He knows it would really hurt me. Also he wouldn't want to pay maintenance. As he's a shift worker he'd end up having DS during the week when he's at nursery anyway so would end up being not that much bother for him I expect. He will say he has no childcare to have him during a working weekend (which is to be fair true) and that my mum would have to take him anyway and thus he may as well be with me anyway.

Hi op have you been on entitled to or turn2us to check your benefit entitlement - put in the amount you would pay in rent and nursery fees too.
He really won’t go 50/50 - he’s too lazy for that.
I’m sorry you had PND - you can discuss this with your midwife/GP and seek advice and support - do you have real life support?

He would be responsible for nursery fees on the days he has DC not you.
💐OP. I think you need to make a plan. It doesn’t mean you need to leave right away

Can you start getting together savings? Work on your credit score

I am confused though. Are you paying all the mortgage? How are bills split?

Because it’s sounding like it might get financially abusive.

I've looked at a benefits calculator and once the 2nd baby is here I'd be eligible for up to £110 a week. Whilst an extra £400 a month will be helpful it's not going to magically afford me somewhere to live around here.

The nursery whilst DS is with his dad was not a cost thing. DS will be eligible for his 30hrs funding soon so it won't be about the money, it's about the fact he likely will go for 50/50 because he won't have to bother looking after DS most of it as he'll be nursery during the week and his dad works shifts so won't have to do the weekends.

No I don't pay all the mortgage. It's just so large it eats up a lot of my wages even currently. At the moment we have a joint account for mortgage and household bills / food etc. DH puts in 60% of the total amount we need and I put in the other 40%. My contribution is lower as he earns significantly more than me so this balances it a bit. However it still means I have less disposable income but I always would have done as my salary is lower.

I've got some modest savings. About 3K. This was for my maternity leave and / or any emergency. Again it's not going to make a dent in the cost of moving / living really.

I put away £100 a month into savings but to be honest any more than that would stop me from repaying debts so it doesn't make financial sense.

I just can't afford to rent here and definitely not whilst I'm still contributing to the mortgage. I don't think DP could afford it on his own realistically so if I just stopped contributing we would default and that wouldn't benefit me at all. If I stay then I'm going to become more and more resentful of him and things are going to deteriorate. At least if I was on my own I would be doing it all but I'd have total control and say over my life and household too. I also think it would be less as I wouldn't be picking up after him making a tip of the house as well as the toddler.

It also means I wouldn't have to run around after the dog. Hoovering up hair, walking, feeding etc. she's not mine but DP is lazy and I can't just leave her so I do it but if I wasn't here it wouldn't be my problem as horrible as that sounds.

My credit score is good. I'm working full time and I earn a decent wage. It's just that the cost of property / rent here is so high that it doesn't actually get you very far.

I could change jobs in the future into another area but not whilst I'm pregnant. At the moment I'm eligible for 26 weeks full pay and a further 10 weeks half pay. I can't afford to lose that package.

I do have RL support and my family know I'm not exactly happy but they don't know the full extent. It's really difficult as if I decide to stay I don't want to taint my family view so much that it makes it awkward. I've told my mum about the pregnancy and she was shocked and obviously concerned that I'm not happy but understands why I'm keeping the baby.

I don't think DP is abusive. Selfish absolutely. He'd look after himself and leave me to struggle I have no doubt but that's because he's a dickhead not because he's abusive. He's always been the same.

I knew this house would stretch us and went in with my eyes wide open. I just didn't know things would play out like this. I also never planned for this second baby. I'm not prepared to give it up but it's got financial implications I didn't factor in when I made the decision to buy this house. I (sadly) thought we were done with one child due to medical circumstances beyond my control.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and really it was foolish to buy houses and have children outside of marriage but marriage was never something I wanted and I made that conscious decision. DP is already once divorced (shocker!) although no children were involved! I always knew he didn't want to marry again.

Honestly, as hard as it is I think I if you can’t move to a cheapest area where you can afford to rent you are just going to have to bide your time. Detach from him and avoid him as much as possible, but at the moment it sounds like you just aren’t in a position to move out.

Can you renegotiate with him the amount you are paying for the mortgage if he out earns you, and then put a bit more into your savings to try to increase your buffer?

I've tried to reduce and he's refused. He says he can't afford it. I don't believe that to be the case but of course he knows our relationship is on the rocks so no doubt he's looking after his own interests too. Q

Looks like I need to buy a lottery ticket.

I think everyone is right I need to bide my time which I was hoping to I wouldn't be in that situation.

I'm going to have a discreet word with my aunt. She owns an investment property and she has given notice to the long term tennant as she is planning to sell. She just can't be bothered with the responsibility of being a landlord. I wonder if she'd consider renting it to be at a more affordable rent if I took care of repairs etc myself. It may be an option as it's within a commutable distance to work.

I feel really guilty to put her in that position but equally I'm pretty desperate

I also think it’s not the right time for you to actually move out. Start making a plan and work out how it could work for you and your children but I would have your baby first and probably do your maternity leave too if things are not too intolerable.