Falling in love with someone who has ADHD

[Toanewstart23]

I have no experience of ADHD whatsoever.

And a few months ago I started seeing a man with ADHD.

I can’t describe how much I feel for him! It’s very strong and I think I’m falling in love.

My issue is this:
I have no experience of ADHD. Our relationship to date hasn’t encountered any bumps in the road whatsoever so I have no idea. We both have children but older and haven’t introduced yet.

My children are late primary/ early secondary - so younger than his. And I worry about potentially introducing someone in to their lives with a diagnosis that I know squat all about.

What does it mean in practice? In terms of day to day living?

I have noticed that he is a chronic procrastinator and very easily distracted, plus dislikes communicating virtually. Are these traits?

He’s extremely successful. A large and very close group of friends. A committed father and very financially astute. In terms of being a partner, he’s affectionate, kind, very thoughtful and very interesting company.

Any advice would be appreciated whatsoever

No one will be able to answer what it means in terms of day-to-day living, however, the NHS website provides a basic overview.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/

Like any minority having ADHD means he will have similar traits to others with the same label but a wide range of factors will effect how he is day-to-day, including his level of ambition, his personality, his values, the strategies he put in place etc. For example, I'm comfortable acknowledging my weaknesses and will put strategies in place to manage these, including medication and practical support. I know others who do not have the confidence to do this and have underachieved leaving them desperate for validation from others, which takes over how they live their life day-to-day. When I'm not on medication I'm a different person to when I am medicated.

The key question is what are you looking for in a partner and does he meet those needs?

Thank you
What an insightful comment
Out of interest
What would you say are the “advantages” of being married / in a love relationship with someone with adhd. A gross generalisation but presumably there’s some common threads

My soon to be ex partner was diagnosed with ADHD six months ago. So I obviously didn't realise over the years that the challenging behaviour was likely down to ADHD. He is incredibly disorganised, not capable to listening and retaining information. So he loses things constantly. I f I ask him to get three things from the shop, he will probably come back with one of them. He never finished a job, so our house is full of unfinished diy. He jumps from one idea to another (often life changing ones), and never gives me a chance to catch up.

He has medication now, but forgets to take it and has forgotten to order more.

One of the reasons he has given for wanting is to split up is the he doesn't want me to manage him, but if I hadn't then our family and lives wouldn't have coped.

I am sure everyone is different, and it sounds as though your partner manages his properly, but for me it was frustrating and wore me down over the years. If he had realised earlier and managed it properly then things may have been different

My DH has ADHD
Positives are he gets stuff done, is hardworking, energetic, fun with the kids as he acts like one 🤣
Negatives are his executive functioning is rubbish, he often does things in a bonkers order that makes no sense. Also he never finishes a project and always wants more. Never seems satisfied, which drives me mad.

I have dyslexia and really minor ADHD. I recognise those symptoms lol. I can procrastinate for days but then produce top quality work at the last minute (it’s specific things that trigger this like cleaning / paperwork etc). I’m also, at the same time, extremely hyper about the things I’m passionate about and get things done really quickly & this translates really well in my work (childcare) as the kids and parents love my communication style. I imagine if I were a banker I probably wouldn’t have been as successful as I am.

I have adhd, it's a bit of a spectrum so depends how many traits he has and to what extreme he gets them. I'd describe mine as somewhat mild, but I do my partners head in at times as I'm always Into something new. Booked a holiday at 2am last night as i suddenly thought if a place I'd like to go and had to sort it there and then!

on the upside on my focused days or tasks I am the best and most efficient person you will ever meet, can get more done in one day than most people can in a week.
then other days.. can't bring myself to do anything.

Find out what he finds he struggles with. Lists, reminders, automated things like reoccurring shopping deliveries, pre set alarms, all help keep me on task.

As the other poster have highlighted you can't really answer that question as like all minorities e.g women, muslims, east asian individuals etc were all different.

As a partner I'd say the advantages of being married to me include - I'm flexible, organised, caring, ambitious, enterprising and financially astute.

My MIL is married to a man with ADHD - he doesn't seem to have a single redeeming feature and she is currently in the process of leaving him for the second time.

Don't live with him. It's really hard work unless you are very laid back and don't care about him not seeing 3 weeks of socks on the floor despite him trying really hard.

So he's told you he has it? Can't you talk to him about how it's affected him throughout his life? You say he's a procrastinator but he's very successful at work - has he found things that work for him, then?

Interesting thread, I'm recently diagnosed as adhd - but not on medication yet as I'm not sure it will be worth any side effects.
I'm very forgetful, absent mined, day-dreamer, start a million things and never finish them unless I have a deadline, etc etc.
However I have a good life and some how I've ended up in a career which works for me, I'm currently single, but looking back at relationships I did get bored being with the same person - I do love the thrill of the new (in all areas of my life) even though on the surface I'm very settled and stable.
It's hard to separate out my personality and my diagnosis, so I am scared of going on meds as I might lose a lot of what makes me me.

Your chap sounds like a lovely guy, well-rounded and making a success of his life. He obviously has very good coping mechanisms and strategies.
The only thing that would concern me is that depression often goes hand in hand with adhd (so I've read) and I know I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone with depression because it really has a big impact on my own mental health (been there before).

I wouldn't assume he is messy. OCD can come with it so he might be super tidy! there just isn't a one fits all idea of what he would be like.

Don't however take any real negative issues as "just his adhd". same with autism.. people are still nice, decent people and one of these labels doesn't give them a free pass to be a dick.

I would also say I think some men are terrible at looking after themselves, their homes, their children without an adhd diagnosis.

I wouldn't tolerate that.

Lots of women with adhd manage to work, run a home, parent well - we just are willing to learn strategies and work harder to compensate.

Don't let a man use it as an excuse!

Like any relationship its key that your strengths and weaknesses compliment each other. For example, if he's rubbish at doing the laundry are you ok picking this up and will he pull his weight by taking on other areas of the household chores? Alternatively if he's extremely successful will you have the money to pay for help, such as a laundry service, and are you ok with outsourcing parts of family life?

@casualencounter Yes. I used to work as an SpLD Tutor and I had many dedicated male students who were keen to learn different strategies for managing their areas of difficulty. Too many women use being a man as a get out cause for tolerating poor behaviour.

He will NEVER ever be able to find his keys!
He will walk off to get something and come back without it… regularly
He will probably not be a great sleeper
He will like to be on the go a lot
Did I mention the keys?
He will start things and get distracted and go off and do something else.. all the time
I bet he still hasn’t found his keys!

My sister has ADHD, my boyfriend has ADHD, my niece has ADHD. I regularly roll my eyes about the keys. They are kind, loving, caring, affectionate, employed, solvent functioning people. They are just doing it without having a clue where there keys are!

Ask him. He will know how his adhd affects him most.

If you meet one person with ADHD you have met one person with ADHD. Everyone is different. We only realised I had inattentive ADHD recently {I am over 50) when my daughter realised she had it and she has now been diagnosed officially. My husband and I have been happily together for over 20 years. My ADHD traits suit him. The only thing is I am very messy so we hire a cleaner who also helps me look for things I have lost. But people with ADHD tend to be very good at problem solving and so my husband likes how focussed I am on solving any family or children problems.