Should we adopt if I do not approve his parenting skills?

[Katpax]

My husband and I have been together for 5.5 years and married for 3.5. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage (and amicable divorce).
After 3 miscarriages we are now considering to adopt, however over the years I have frequently disagreed with my husband's parenting. Although he is a wonderful father to the kids, I cannot accept some facts, like he doesn't care if they will have fruits, but will make sure they never run out of sugary snacks. No screen time control whatsoever. The younger one probably spends 5-6 hours a day on screen. Don't get me wrong, she is a very active girl, plays football, does well in school, but I feel that it's not doing her good to be on tv/tablet/phone for nearly a quarter of her life, especially at such a young age.
The older one on the other hand is overweight and not active at all. She has always been a chubby child and although me and his mum have desperately tried get him to do something about it, like find a sport that she likes, he just ignores us.
A couple of months ago I suggested that I do a fitness class with her (she is 14 now) but she refused and there is not much more that I can do because if her parents are not on board.
The fact that my husband does nothing about it makes me question our decision to adopt.
On the other hand, I do love our life together and I don't know what to do. Any advice? :(

You should not be considering adoption, you seem to have views on parenting none born out of experience. You have step DC's and DC's available for adoption require very intense specialised input, your partner would be unable to give and could be very detrimental to your step DC's.
Its very different to having a child from birth introduced into a family where (lets face it) parenting is a learning experience, so you had best see how adoption agencies that you approach assess you both.

Would he even be approved?
It's a long process and lots of questions.

OP have you had fertility investigations? As a pp said, adoption is incredibly challenging and my understanding is that it's not recommended for blended families.

That aside I would be more concerned about his and your parenting styles being a mismatch. From the few examples you've given, even though they're not in the grand scheme of things a massive deal, they could be indicative of a general lazy, take the path of least resistance, type of parenting. Which leaves him being fun Disney dad and you being the boring rule enforcer, not to mention doing all the grunt work around school etc.

Parenting an adopted child is very very different. I have a birth and an adopted child who I have to parent differently due to the ac having attachment difficulties. A child who is adopted is likely to have suffered abuse or neglect of some sort as children aren't just 'given up for adoption' any longer, which means they will have deep seated issues that aren't just cured by 'love'. It takes a lot of effort and patience. It's nothing like parenting a birth child.

If you have a difference of opinion now and your dh is more lax then you will find those things magnified x1000 with an adopted child in the mix, you both need to be on the same page as consistent parenting is what's needed.

Adoption is a whole other kettle of fish in terms of parenting - you both would need to be very flexible in your approach, go with things that at times feel counter-intuitive and be prepared to meet your child’s needs as they express them, rather what you think is necessarily “right”. While your partners ideas about parenting would need to flex, so would yours. The assessment process is thorough, and will unpick differences in approach, you’ll need a good understanding of developmental trauma and how this affects children and the kind of parenting they need. If you can’t both be flexible in your outlook, it would be hard on everyone.

I wouldn't adopt or procreate with someone with parenting views so far from my own

Hard enough disagreeing about our own kids (authoritarian crap he comes out with in my case). No chance I could see us succeeding together with an adopted child

I don't think you should consider adopting a child at the moment; you may still have one of your own. Adopting a child is a huge undertaking, takes ages and is not always successful.

Good luck anyway.

I think pps have explained adoption as I understand it (not personal experience, work in the field) and agree that you need to be thinking about this from the view of the needs of a child with trauma. Even babies placed very young may have had trauma in utero and through separation from birth mother. Most will need highly sensitive and attuned care, in order to thrive. You and your DP would need lots of conversations about this and whether you are both on board for trying to meet a child’s needs in this way.

Your parenting styles are mismatched and I’m not sure why you wouldnt have discussed this together a long time ago

However, Yes of course it’s best if children eat an organic high protein, nutritious meal, followed by reading, and learning musical instruments, rather than going on their iPad.
But if your only criticisms are that his lovely active happy child is on her tablet
And his otherwise lovely 14 year old is a bit chubby
I think your expectations may lead you to some disappointment.
Children aren’t perfect, parents aren’t perfect, is he teaching them the right morals? It sounds like they’re doing well at school? Are they kind caring well mannered children? These are the key things.
I do agree being healthy is important but what you’ve said doesn’t really suggest that isn’t the case.

I agree with @Fluenty. Much of what you mention about food and screen time is fairly standard for children around that age (assuming younger child is only a couple of years younger than 14 yr old).

If you adopted there’s a good chance the child you adopt would be used to drinking sugary drinks and having lots of screen time.

I think a bit more thought needs to be given as to if adoption is the right course at the moment. If your frustrated by his parenting now it would be 100% worse if you had a child who needed intense care placed with you.

I have no personal experience of adoption
OP. But I’ve noticed that whenever the subject comes up, Mumsnet shouts as one: “Don’t do it!” (In much the same way as posters always yell “LTB!”)

Anyway. Perhaps your parenting styles aren’t perfectly aligned. Perhaps neither of you are perfect. Perhaps adoption would be hard for you and the child. But… It would still be miles better for the child than foster care / growing to adulthood in an institution (many of which are full of abuse). If everyone listened to Mumsnet posters on adoption, there would be an awful lot more children growing up in the dubious ‘care’ of the State. 😕

@SmellinOfTroy

I wouldn't adopt or procreate with someone with parenting views so far from my own

But you don't have a parenting style until you are a parent. I'm a very different parent to how I thought I'd be. And some children are exhausting and need to be constantly entertained and that's when screen time is dished out. I have strong opinions on too much screen time, but my DC still have too much because sometimes I need a break.

The miscarriages is very hard. Sorry to hear of your losses.

With all due respect you’re not a parent.

Every person has an idea about what they would do. About what is right. You have no idea what you’ll be like as a parent until you actually have a child.
It’s also not fair to comment on his parenting unless the step children live with you full time.

I think if you conceive or adopt you’ll be quite surprised at how parenting is.

I agree with Fluenty.

To be very blunt - you sound a bit uptight about things that really don't matter as much as you think they do.

And I want to add - leave the 14 year old's weight alone. If you want to contribute something positive to her life, spend time talking to her about her friends, her hopes, her disappointments. Be a friend to her, not a critic.