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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sometimes I wish he would hit me.

21 replies

KevinTheKoala · 06/02/2022 11:06

I've posted on here about this before but I'm still no closer to a solution. I'm trapped in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me and that makes me miserable. He isn't abusive as such, and I am oversensitive and so really I don't think I'd be compatible in any relationship so its not all his fault, but I feel like I'm on edge around him constantly. Anything I say or do irritates him and leads to critism and silence. I don't want sex with him but its not worth the guilt he makes me feel if I don't, but even then it's never enough and i don't want to do things that he wants from me which leads to him being angry and upset with me.

He thinks he has autism and so feels that anything I say to him about helping around the house more or being upset about some of the things he says to me are unfair and I should be more understanding. We have been together for 9 years and while he's always been like this it has gotten worse recently. I can't bring up things that have upset me from the past because that makes him angry too.

We have two young children, we privately rent and he is the main earner by miles - I am a part time waitress who's hours keep getting cut and sometimes only work 11 hours a week at the moment on minimum wage. I can't afford to leave. I've read far too many horror stories to think I would get any help with benefits and housing. I have mental illness that could be used against me if he decided to go for custody of our children. I have nowhere to go.

I know how awful it sounds but I really do wish he would hit me or cheat on me so I could at least walk away knowing that I made the right choice. So at least someone would help me and not blame me. I just feel hopeless at the moment.

OP posts:

PonyPatter44 · 06/02/2022 11:13

If you walked away because he hit you, you'd still be in the same situation with regards to money and housing as if you walked away today because he dislikes you and is verbally and emotionally abusive to you.

Having a mental illness won't affect you having custody- do you really think that he would want full custody of the children, and anyway, he has a MH problem as well, so he doesn't "score" any higher than you.

You could manage without him and his nastiness and laziness and sexual coercion. You really could.

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 11:16

I know how awful it sounds but I really do wish he would hit me or cheat on me so I could at least walk away knowing that I made the right choice.

You've literally just said you cannot afford to walk away? Can you change jobs at all and earn a bit more? Start saving for life without him?

WallaceinAnderland · 06/02/2022 11:25

He isn't abusive as such

Yes he is.

Why would be able to afford to leave if he hits you?

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 06/02/2022 11:27

@DiddyHeck no I can't afford any more childcare, our youngest isn't in nursery yet although if I left then she would at least get some funded hours a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 06/02/2022 11:32

At least if he hit me there would be some evidence that I didn't make myself intentionally homeless. Although I know that isn't a guaranteed option either housing could still decide not to help me. I can't see any way out.

OP posts:

rocketfairy · 06/02/2022 11:35

Maybe give Patricia Evans on the Verbally Abusive Relationship a read and see if it resonates. There is also Lundy Bancroft's book about abusive relationships, Why Does He Do That?. Wishing for violence/cheating so you can get out without being blamed is a hallmark of being in one of these relationships

000YourMum000 · 06/02/2022 11:40

I have a mum who always actually said this. What she really wanted was permission to leave, because the control, emotional and financial abuse was not enough?! I think she felt that the world at large would only be sympathetic to her leaving if she was being beaten to a pulp. She had every right and every reason to leave, but she never did. It’s really sad.

Would you consider getting a different job, at least with more hours if not higher pay? Do you have any family that could take you in temporarily? Could you contact WomensAid/look at their website (safely)?

It sounds miserable and I wish you all the best.

WallaceinAnderland · 06/02/2022 11:41

@KevinTheKoala

There wouldn't be evidence because he would deny it. He would say you were making it up and that you are crazy.

CrystalCoco · 06/02/2022 11:44

He doesn't need to hit you for it to be abuse. The things you've written add up to abuse.
Your first step is to get in touch with Women's Aid, they will have mountains of advice for you, you're not alone in this.

caranations · 06/02/2022 11:45

He doesn't need to hit you for it to be abuse
This.

rocketfairy · 06/02/2022 11:50

@000YourMum000

It sounds miserable and I wish you all the best.

For me, it wasn't so much about the world at large believing me (although that is a big complication) but more that due to the abuse I barely believed myself. I wanted concrete proof of something that I knew wasn't/couldn't be my fault, because the psychological abuse was framed by the abuser as a reaction to me and therefore my fault. This distorted framing is why women get smaller and smaller and more unhappy and trapped trying to 'do their bit' to reduce the abuse. I've read other women say the same

TabithaTiger · 06/02/2022 11:53

OP reading this made me feel so sad. I used to be you. I stayed for years in a unhappy, emotionally abusive relationship and used to wish he's hit me so I had a reason to leave. Eventually he did hit me and I did leave, but many years on I now understand that I should have left way before it got to that point. It doesn't have to be physical violence to be abuse, and actually the emotional abuse has left me with more trauma than being hit.

Like you, I had two young children (3 & 1). My eldest is 20 and has PTSD and is going through trauma counselling because of things she can remember from her childhood (she has flashbacks and gets triggered by certain noises, raised voices, etc). So if you can't leave for your own good, do it for your children. My two says to me now how thankful they are that we left when they did. They can now see what sort of man their Father is and what sort of life they'd have had if they stayed. Leaving was hard, but I'm so relieved I did it when I did.

There's help out there, please give Women's Aid a call. Also have a look and see if there are any Domestic Abuse charities locally.

Slabadabbadooby · 06/02/2022 11:54

Imagine he did hit you and plan what you would do in that situation.

I always think women should do the freedom programme because it helps to clarify things. You can do it online. I think it would be a good starting point.

Do you have any family or friends you could move in with temporarily? Having some breathing space really helps. It can be very hard to think clearly or plan when you're living in it.

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 06/02/2022 12:21

I don't have any family I can move in with, I had a turbulent childhood myself due to abuse and so I have limited contact with my parents.

OP posts:

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 12:34

OP, why do you think some women repeatedly put up with being hit by their partners? It's often because despite living in danger, they still have nowhere suitable to go, especially with children.

Can you change your job at all and earn some more money?

Original poster

KevinTheKoala · 06/02/2022 13:53

@DiddyHeck I can't afford any more childcare, I don't have anyone to help me look after my children and so I can't change jobs unfortunatley.

OP posts:

TabithaTiger · 06/02/2022 14:33

@KevinTheKoala you will get financial help. If you speak to Women's Aid they'll signpost you to where you can go to find out what benefits you're entitled to. Money may be tight to start with but it'll be do-able and as the children get older you'll be able to increase your hours. In Domestic Abuse cases, many LA's offer a deposit scheme where they give you the deposit for a private rental property. Or you may be entitled to social housing.

Start to make enquiries, you'll feel more confident once you have a plan in place for how you can leave.

beastlyslumber · 06/02/2022 14:45

Talk to women's aid, OP. You are being abused and you have every right to leave. Your children have the right to grow up in a home free from abuse. So, you have to start somewhere. Start by talking to Women's Aid. Find out what financial help you are entitled to.

I know it's a lot and it's overwhelming to think about leaving. So instead, just for now, think about talking to women's aid and finding out your rights. You might also think about talking to your GP or health visitor. There are lots of little steps you can take to move you forward to a point where you feel more able to leave.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/02/2022 14:56

I used to feel like that with my ex
It took his verbal abuse majorly impacting my son
I’ll give you two pieces of advice

Get onto the freedom programme
Work on training and getting better paid work

The former will solidify your resolve
The letter will make it easier

It’s a long game op
But this is no life x
Also it’s bullshit he will get full custody because of your mental health . It’s all about the kids and what’s best for them

Sending 💪💪💪

Gingembre · 06/02/2022 15:01

OP if he isn't abusive, and he's a good partner then he'd want you to be happy, he'd be supportive of you, kind to you, would show you he cares and if he upset you he'd feel bad and want to make it up to you/you to feel better. If he wasn't abusive, he'd not want to see your self-esteem drop down the drain.

If he wasn't abusive, Hhe wouldn't agree with you on everything, but he while disagreeing, wouldn't dismiss what you think or feel, say you're overreacting, over-sensitive, a drama queen, being unfair to him etc.

Part of the reason you're feeling so bad is because he abusive: psychologically and sexually, at least.

There is lots of really good advice above.

One tiny extra that might help is instead of thinking "I can't leave", which is probably true, think "I can't leave just yet" or "I'm working towards leaving." Because you can leave him, but you're probably going to have to do it in a longer time-frame than is ideal.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You're definitely not alone.

racingnowhere · 06/02/2022 15:05

Your local authority should have employment schemes. These will often pay for training to get you into another line of work, some will pay for childcare so that you can train ( as well as paying for the training), some will also pay for any equipment you may need to start in a new line of work. These employment schemes change every few years and are different from LA to LA, so go and ask at yours and its worth asking regularly what is available even if there is nothing for you now.
Good luck OP

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