Don't know what to do

[moirarosebabay]

I have 2 boys aged 16 and 14. I used to have a good co-parenting relationship with their dad but it has disintegrated since he got a new girlfriend (his previous girlfriend was lovely to my boys and things were good so this isn't a me being jealous thing) he is frequently looking for excuses not to take the boys and my eldest (who wrote this note I found on my phone ) says he can't talk to his dad about stuff as he feels his dad loves his brother more than him and if he says anything then he will have no relationship with his dad. The 16 year old has asthma and isn't good with cat hair - he is denying writing this but my 14 year old has said it would be him thats written it and confirmed the stuff in the note happened. Do I speak to my ex about this note? He has zero respect for me and gets angry and shouty if I try and raise this stuff. Last time he reduced my son to tears for speaking to me about a different situation but I want my kids to always have someone to talk to and never feel like they are alone with a problem. Any advice gratefully appreciated.

Who are the two females mentioned?. I presume they are the daughters of your ex's current girlfriend.

Is their contact with their dad at all court ordered?. If not I would say they have a choice not to go there. I would keep your sons well away from their dad anyway who has been nasty to them previously and seems only to care about his own stupid self.

They are the daughters of his current girlfriend. They are about 14 and 8 years old. Thanks. I think that's probably my only option.

Sorry contact isn't court ordered.

Why are you allowing your son to be abused because you are scared your ex partner will flip out! Stand up for them and yourself x

At age 14 and 16, unless contact is court ordered, I would leave it up to them whether they want to go each time.

I wouldn't necessarily mention the note to their dad as I'm not sure it will help or change anything. I'd just suggest a more flexible arrangement now your boys are older. IME this is pretty common anyway (assuming you live reasonably close to each other) with older teens - it's less about "taking in turns every other weekend" and more about the kids deciding how to split their time.

No. It sounds like your ex may be a narcissist and had picked a golden child and a scapegoat. Meaning he deliberately treats the later person badly. So addressing it with him is pointless. And will only let him know it is working.

I would actually focus on improving the self esteem of the son who wrote the letter and have a chat with him about how when people treat us badly, it is not up to us to try and win them over. Discuss abuse and bullying with him and how it can present itself. And make it clear that it is not an issue with him, but an issue with the bully themself.

Hopefully, he will choose to cut ties of his own accord in due course. But in the mean time, just have his back. Don't encourage him to chase after his dad. Make it clear you love him. And teach him that bullying should not be tolerated. The same for the other brother too.

@Pinkbonbon

No. It sounds like your ex may be a narcissist and had picked a golden child and a scapegoat. Meaning he deliberately treats the later person badly. So addressing it with him is pointless. And will only let him know it is working.

I would actually focus on improving the self esteem of the son who wrote the letter and have a chat with him about how when people treat us badly, it is not up to us to try and win them over. Discuss abuse and bullying with him and how it can present itself. And make it clear that it is not an issue with him, but an issue with the bully themself.

Hopefully, he will choose to cut ties of his own accord in due course. But in the mean time, just have his back. Don't encourage him to chase after his dad. Make it clear you love him. And teach him that bullying should not be tolerated. The same for the other brother too.

Thank you. This is really helpful. My eldest does suffer from low self esteem and we are working on it as is his amazing guidance teacher at school. He really loves his dad though and is desperate for his approval. I wanted to ask for advice as only found this note last night and hardly slept I was so angry but know that if I speak to my ex it'll probably just be turned back on me as me overreacting/none of my business and accused or trying to withhold contact. Thanks for the perspective.

I think it would also break your child's trust if you told his dad about it.

(That is, assuming it wasn't his dad that wrote it in the hopes that you would find it and a drama could be created?)

Definately need to talk to him about how sometimes when we love people we become wrapped up in seeking approval rather than asking ourselves if they are worth the effort. And how decent human beings, treat us with kindness and respect. And people who aren't decent human beings...we shouldn't run after them. Because they'll never change.

Have you been fully honest with your children about how he has treated you over the years? And that you are glad you left him?

(Or glad you are no longer with him)

If you’ve noticed his asthma worsening can you use that as an opening to discuss this?
Ds, I noticed you wheezing more after you visit your dads- do you need some antihistamine to take when you’re there? You do know you don’t need to do overnight visits- would you prefer to just do some daytime activity there now that you’re older? Im happy to talk to your dad, or maybe you would prefer to?

Then see if he opens up. Or- if you’ve already spoken to his brother about the note then maybe just gently say that you know it’s him, let’s talk about how we can deal with this together.

@Pinkbonbon

I think it would also break your child's trust if you told his dad about it.

(That is, assuming it wasn't his dad that wrote it in the hopes that you would find it and a drama could be created?)

Definately need to talk to him about how sometimes when we love people we become wrapped up in seeking approval rather than asking ourselves if they are worth the effort. And how decent human beings, treat us with kindness and respect. And people who aren't decent human beings...we shouldn't run after them. Because they'll never change.

Have you been fully honest with your children about how he has treated you over the years? And that you are glad you left him?

Yes the breaking his trust is what I know I need not to do. But I'm beyond angry that he's put our son in this situation. Its not about me though, need to do what's right for my kids. Much as I do like getting a break from them I have told them they are always welcome here and continue to make that clear. Ive told them that their dad doesn't always make good choices and he has regretted previous choices and I think he will regret some of the choices he is currently making. I have to be careful not to point score against him. I am sooooo glad I'm not with him. I have low self esteem and made very bad choices in my younger years. Currently single and working on myself and getting better. Thanks.

Yes but the truth is not point scoring op.
I would be careful framing nasty behaviour as as a 'mistake'. Because it's not. Your son will already be looking for every excuse he can for his dad's behaviour.

A mistake would he if he got angry or he upset you or his son once and then was horrified with himself, appologised and never repeated the behaviour. But it looks like he repeatedly hurts your child by making him feel like he isn't good enough, and then gets angry at you when he comes to you for help. That's not a mistake. It's deliberate bullying. If you keep telling your son that cruel behaviour is a mistake then he will think he has to accept and forgive it.

You say he has low self esteem. This is probably the reason. His dad treats he brother well and yet frequently, reduces him to tears. He thinks 'maybe it's my fault, maybe I do something wrong to provoke him. Maybe I'm not good enough'. If other people tell him 'oh your dad makes a mistake but he regrets it' ...then what he hears is 'so it must be me overreacting. I should just forgive and forget. Put up and shut up. This is normal'

What he needs to hear is the difference between acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. And that it is not OK. And that he doesn't have to accept it or excuse it ir forgive it. And that it is not his fault.

Frame it using examples of healthy behaviour vs toxic behaviour in life for example if you dont want to use specific things his dad has done.

But be aware that promoting the mindset that nastiness is just a momentary mistake from people who well, have form for nastiness, is potentially setting the lad up for a lifetime of tolerating abuse and choosing abusers because his boundaries are not where they should be.

@Pinkbonbon

Yes but the truth is not point scoring op. I would be careful framing nasty behaviour as as a 'mistake'. Because it's not. Your son will already be looking for every excuse he can for his dad's behaviour.

A mistake would he if he got angry or he upset you or his son once and then was horrified with himself, appologised and never repeated the behaviour. But it looks like he repeatedly hurts your child by making him feel like he isn't good enough, and then gets angry at you when he comes to you for help. That's not a mistake. It's deliberate bullying. If you keep telling your son that cruel behaviour is a mistake then he will think he has to accept and forgive it.

You say he has low self esteem. This is probably the reason. His dad treats he brother well and yet frequently, reduces him to tears. He thinks 'maybe it's my fault, maybe I do something wrong to provoke him. Maybe I'm not good enough'. If other people tell him 'oh your dad makes a mistake but he regrets it' ...then what he hears is 'so it must be me overreacting. I should just forgive and forget. Put up and shut up. This is normal'

What he needs to hear is the difference between acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. And that it is not OK. And that he doesn't have to accept it or excuse it ir forgive it. And that it is not his fault.

Frame it using examples of healthy behaviour vs toxic behaviour in life for example if you dont want to use specific things his dad has done.

But be aware that promoting the mindset that nastiness is just a momentary mistake from people who well, have form for nastiness, is potentially setting the lad up for a lifetime of tolerating abuse and choosing abusers because his boundaries are not where they should be.

Thank you. Another really helpful post. I can see that other people need to do when they are in a situation but I find it really hard when it's my own kids as it makes me so angry and emotional and I'm trying not to be the mother who dumps her issues on her kids. You've really given me perspective on this. Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

It sounds like you know the score op. Just be there for him and listen and be your normal empathetic self. It's natural to want to fix thing and to want to reassure your child but the best thing you can do is be supportive and loving and show them an example of what a good parent looks like. That way in time hopefully he'll love himself enough to realise that he deserves good people in his life.

And you do too! :)