Help me fix this… please!

[AnotherTear]

I really need some help to sort my marriage out. Things have come to a head tonight and I just can’t find a way forward.

DH & I have been married for over a decade and have two children. Neither DH or I have had great upbringings. One of my parents was very controlling, manipulative and cruel. That in itself has taken me years of counselling to process. DH had a better childhood and when we met, he and his brother thought the sun shined out their parents backsides. As time has gone on, it’s become apparent that this isn’t quite the case. FIL is very sexist and spends his life at the pub and leaves MIL to do everything else. She is treated like a second class citizen, as am I, as is any other female that enters their house.

Anyway, DH & I always had a great relationship but for many reasons, our sex life hasn’t always been very active. The reasons range from post natal problems I experienced due to scar tissue, me suffering from depression and anxiety and also, having had some bad past experiences, I do have some issues with intimacy and find it hard to initiate sex. Im fine when DH initiates it, although this can leave him feeling unloved.

Unfortunately, our current problems stem back a little while. DH has a short fuse and can be extremely defensive when he feels as though he is being criticised in any way. He has been under pressure at work for around the last year and this has resulted in him being stressed at home. Every day he comes home and basically complains for half an hour straight about his work. I sit and listen to every single thing and try to support him as best I can. He gets very upset when I don’t agree with him on certain matters. He talks over me and he basically reminds me of his own dad in some of the domineering ways he behaves. He actually got upset with me the other day because he had an argument with someone at work and when he explained the story, i explained that I didn’t really understand the situation (simply because I don’t work there and it’s a very unique sector of business and I don’t really understand the full set up). This made him really upset because apparently i should just have his back no matter what the situation is. I should add that he has actually changed jobs in the last year and both places have been stressful environments. Unfortunately, getting a new job in the next year or so won’t really be possible.

I know DH is a really good man but I can’t deal with being treated like this anymore. I have encouraged him to do mindfulness or maybe have some counselling or something but he doesn’t believe in any of that sort of stuff.

Whenever I talk to him about it, he always brings it back to the fact I don’t show him enough affection. I do take this point on board, but how can I show affection to someone who is treating me this way? I do cuddle up with him lots and I always tell him I love him, so I do show him affection daily. I feel like he is using my intimacy issues as an excuse for how he talks to me.

Tonight I told him that if we didn’t have kids, I’d go because I can’t deal with being talked to like this anymore. He’s walked out and gone for a drive.

What do I do? I don’t know how to move forward.

Some of the lovely things he does for me.

He goes out and defrosts my car every morning so it’s ready when I need to leave. He does loads of jobs around the house. He makes me a flask of coffee to take to work with me every day. He will occasionally run me a bath. Or tell me to get an early night and take care of any jobs that need done so I can catch up on some sleep.

I just want this thread to be balanced.

I also said I wanted us to get a cleaner as I work and study and find it hard to motivate myself with the housework. DH doesn’t want to get one and he does loads of the housework. He then says that he feels like I’m not doing enough. I take this on board. I am not the best when it comes to housework.

I do, however, do the lions share of the parenting duties. Take care of our finances. Always do the early starts with the kids etc etc.

Sorry to bump this. DH has just arrived home and hasn’t said a word to me. Really need a hand hold.

Do you work? I am totally guilty of offloading after work to me OH . He works away so when he's home it just feels like a stress release. Sometimes he says little but is always encouraging. Hugs me and I feel better. Do you get much time together without kids?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He sounds like yet another version of his dad. You’ve gone onto subconsciously replicate what you saw in your own childhood with this man in that he is also verbally abusive and cruel. What do you think your children are learning from you both about relationships, is this really the role model you want to be showing them?. No it is not. The silent treatment you are now getting off him is an example of emotional abuse.

He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. Many people have crap jobs and or are stressed but they do not treat their spouse or husband like you and in turn your kids are being treated. The “nice” things he does for you are really the very barest of bare minimums, that’s a really low bar you have set for yourself here. He is not going to do mindfulness nor is willing to be counselled so what does that also tell you about him?.

If counselling is to be at all considered here go on your own, you need to be able to talk freely in both a calm and safe environment. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship so he not going is doing you a favour.

I would not stay with such a man for the sake of the children either, they are not going to say “thanks mum” to you for doing that to them. It also places a terribly heavy burden upon them and they could also accuse you of putting him before them. It also teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie, they know far more than either of you give them credit for. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, and they also see how preoccupied you are. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

I would suggest you contact Women’s Aid and talk through this with them too. It would also be an idea to get some legal advice so you know where you stand in the event you decide to separate from him.

To be honest I would expect DH to have my back if I vent about work too. I don’t know what to make of the rest of your post, you both sound a bit unhappy, but I do agree with him on that.

I would think he behaves far differently with his work colleagues and it is for you and in turn your kids his ill treatment of you is directed at. You also sound exhausted mentally and physically.

His basic excuse for all this treatment of you is that you do not show him enough affection!. That is frankly pathetic coming from the likes of him, who died and made him king? No woman would want to be affectionate with someone like him.

Op, do you have a habit of trying to "fix" his work problems or offer suggestions/advice? (I note the title of your thread!)

I used to do this with my son - he would vent to me about a problem with his friends, I would try to tell him what to do about it, he would say "no, jesus mum, you don't understand", I'd get frustrated and we'd both end up more upset.

I had to learn to sit back and empathise without trying to solve. "Oh I'm sorry, that must have been hurtful. How did that make you feel? What do you feel your options are? What do you think you can do? Who can you talk to about it? You deserve respect. I know you're a good person and a hard worker." You get the idea. Not
"Well if I were you I'd..."

There's a YouTube video by a lady called Brene Brown about Empathy, have a watch
It really opened my eyes.

That said, him having a go at you for the sexual problems you are experiencing as a couple is obviously completely unacceptable.

Thanks all.

I know I’m in no way perfect and I am always up for improving myself in any way I can. I will watch the video linked above and take the advice on board about not trying to fix his problems, which I do probably try to do on occassion.

Unfortunately, it’s not only in these instances that he talks to me in this way though. For instance, we were having a normal conversation about something earlier this evening and then I calmly said “but James” and he interrupted me, clearly annoyed with me and said “DONT but James me!!!”

That’s just one small example but basically, I get spoken to like that whenever he has the feeling that I might disagree with him in any way. And then if I feel upset about it, the conversation always turns to the fact that I don’t initiate sex and I don’t do enough housework. Both valid points but I feel like that doesn’t mean he can just talk to me in such a condescending way.

I really want to find a way to make things work. I know he doesn’t want to end up like his dad and he dislikes the way his dad treats his mum. I feel like his dad was never questioned by anyone and now he subconsciously expects the same.

I wouldn't blindly agree and sympathise with him if he was in the wrong either which is probably what's annoying him. It sounds like he wants to come home from work and offload everything to you while you reply "oh what shit colleagues you have, you were totally right to have a go at them". What would he do if you didn't really speak back much and instead offered positive encouragement? Eg "mmhhm" and "oh really" kind of thing?

To me he sounds like a bit of an arsehole but my tolerance levels are extremely low at the moment so I'm probably not the best judge of it.

We still haven’t spoken. I’m going to bed. I just feel so drained with it all.

It’s just really hard. One of my children is quite testing. Between that, working, studying, spending half an hour a day listening to my husband’s work issues and then being talked down to, I just have very little left of myself to give. I want to be a good mum, a good wife. I try to juggle everyone’s feelings. To keep the kids on an even keel in order to keep DH’s emotions in check. I feel like I’m failing.

You’re not failing, he’s failing to manage his emotions and he is failing to communicate clearly and kindly.

Sorry OP but whatever happens you’ll be ok Don’t panic. Even if the marriage ends you will be alright. You may work it out but he needs to calm down and really listen. Trust yourself and your instincts.