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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me read between the lines

6 replies

edenweed · 05/02/2022 19:30

This is long, but I have no one else to talk to about this.

Separated 5 years. I won't go into all the gory details suffice to say XH is not a nice man. By mumsnet standards he was an abusive fucker.

Anyway, he has been paying support like he was supposed to but now he has gone off work 'for mental health reasons'.

Reading between the lines....not long before Christmas he starting renting a place which cost double his current rent (which he had previously stated he could not afford). He claimed he did it in a fit of madness of being sick of being in a small flat. At the time he told me about it I said to him, 'I assumed you got a bigger place because you were moving in with someone else', and he let out a wail, 'not anymore' and started crying. For real. I mean, it seems completely obvious to me he thought he was moving in with someone and they decided not to. I pretended i didn't really hear what he said but I can't forget it. He has not said anything about it since.

A couple months prior to the change in address he had asked me for my ID and our original marriage certificate because he said he needed it to finally be able to transfer over some money he owed me. So I gave it. I never got the money transferred but he did serve me with divorce papers. I signed that I had got them but I didn't really know what to do with them. I asked a lawyer and she said he probably wouldn't be granted the divorce because he hadn't paid me enough or something along those lines. He never talks to me about the divorce papers. He has mostly stopped talking to me at all though.

So I am thinking he has gone off the deep end because his new partner dumped him? Not my business but he hasn't visited the DCs for 6 weeks and if he gets fired I will get no support payments.

Is anyone able to read more into this than I or have past experience?

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 05/02/2022 20:33

My ex's life has been chaotic for a number of years. He has hardly paid any child support. I've given up. He has been in and out of jobs. Moved several times gone through periods of not seeing the kids and not responding to messages.

I leave him to it. Whatever I do or say has no improvement. So all that happens is that I get more upset of his complete disregard to the children.

The kids and I have a settled life. Money is tight but we get by. And if/when he surfaces it's like a visit from the golden uncle.

As frustrating as it is. I wouldn't get drawn into things. Depending upon your relationship with him you could send an email asking if he wants to see the children anytime soon. But it really is up to him to be available.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 05/02/2022 20:37

I would be worried that he used your ID to obtain the expensive rental unit - or something along those lines. Why would he need your ID?

2catsandhappy · 06/02/2022 09:08

I would be concerned he has forged your signature as some sort of rental agreement or guarantor or loan.
Can you do a free search on your credit rating?
Did you get your ID back?

2catsandhappy · 06/02/2022 09:20

Sorry op, had to dash off. So if I have this right, long time ex, shared dc, he had a gf and new place set up and wanted to get the divorce started. That has all crashed now. He is signed off work and maintenance has stopped. He doesn't visit and talking has stopped.
Have you looked at UC and CMS?
If you text him about seeing dc for a couple of hours, how might he reply or not, do you think?

Suzanne999 · 06/02/2022 10:09

What did you send him as ID? He could easily have obtained a copy of your marriage certificate online to start divorce proceedings ; I can’t think why he’d need additional ID on you. Could he have forged your signature on something? You need to find a way of finding this out and if he has it’s a criminal offence. You might be able to find archived details online of his property rental. Phone the agent and check you’re not down as guarantor for his rent.

edenweed · 10/02/2022 02:11

Sorry I didn't get back until now. I typed this post then felt too stressed to look what I wrote!

2cats I didn't even think about him using my ID for credit ratings! I don't think he would do that but it's unnerving to think someone one would do that!

Suzanne that didn't occur to me at all. I'm really naive.

He needed the wedding certificate because we only have a paper copy -- we got married in another country in the 1990's. I assume to do the divorce papers.

He's still paying maintenance, thank the gods, but it going off on disability apparently so will be paying less. My job pays really poorly. I am one of those woman who let her career get ruined while supporting her husbands career. To be fair, he made it impossible. He literally only went to work and did NOTHING else the whole marriage. In 17 years of living together I think he did the dishes maybe 3 times.

I wish I had had mumsnet when we first married. I wouldn't have had children with him. Well, I wouldn't have married him!!!

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