Poor relationship due to autism?

[lobmeone]

Really need some collective wisdom.

My BF of 2 years is undiagnosed autistic. He shows many traits, even his colleagues point it out to him sometimes. He also acknowledges this. He has no friends, is a bit of a loner, and doesn't have any hobbies outside work (programming).

For context, he is 35 and childless, has a high paying job as a programmer and seems to spend 12 hour days 6 days a week working. He only had 5 days off last year. He has repeatedly said work is a large part of his identity. His hygiene can often be poor, in that he smells musty as if his clothes have not been dried properly, and he has become overweight over lockdown. Prior to our relationship, he has had a string of 2 year relationships that seem to all not progress beyond the 2 year dating mark (never lived with a woman, or taken a holiday with a woman either).

At the beginning of our relationship he was attentive and I would hear from him each day. Recently, he sees it appropriate to not read/respond to my messages for days on end. He also never makes plans to see me unless I ask. Just before Xmas I became frustrated and left him and told him why. Immediately, he began to be attentive again, so we reunited. It's now Feb, and he is back to his old ways.

I don't want to excuse his behaviour, but I wonder how much of this is his autism? I want to support him, but I am getting very fed up.

Firstly, you don't know that it is autism.
Secondly, it doesn't matter how much of it is autism anyway because it is all who he is.

You're not happy with the package anymore. Why should you have to look for reasons to excuse the behaviour. It doesn't matter why he acts the way the way does. What matters is that he does it and its just not good enough.

There's nothing wrong with being single again you know. Better than being in an unhappy relationship with a musty, hermit who doesn't seem to care a jot about your needs.

I think the autism is a red herring here, the question is, why are you putting up with someone who hardly shows interest on you, has bad hygiene, is married to his job and only has a string of short relationships?

Honestly, support him how, curing autism if that is what he has? You either accept him as he is or leave, as he is not going to change but honestly, why would you accept that life? His salary?

Honestly, you need to raise your standards.

OP you're probably going to get crucified soon because no relationship problems on Mumsnet can be due to an adult with diagnosed autism or undiagnosed autism. The thinking is that autism cannot be a factor.

And I disagree, through personal experience. However, there is actually a truth in there too. You are in a relationship with a person, not a condition (I'm writing now assuming that if he were assessed it would result in a diagnosis). If this man's autism resulted in him being smelly and inattentive, would you want to be in a relationship with him? Why? You don't like those things and he's happy how he is, or he'd be making sure he's not smelly for example. What makes you think you're compatible?

Or are you looking at this man as a "fixer-upper"? If so, even without a diagnosis, that's highly unlikely to work long term.

He's showing you who he is and you're trying to cover it up with an excuse (for him) of a condition he may not even have.

It's also worth noting that as autism is a spectrum, there are many ways that people with diagnoses behave. His lack of hygiene could be nothing whatsoever to do with it - assuming he has it - and for many people actually diagnosed, they would find it insulting that you are linking this to their condition.

But OP the bottom line is, do you want to live like this? Are you hoping for a long term relationship/marriage with him? If so, accept his lack of attention and hygiene, or accept you're not compatible.

It may be partly due to his autism, yes. But that doesn't change the fact that this is who he is. You know he won't change (because he's been in this situation many times before, with women who will leave him if he doesn't change, and he still hasn't). You can feel compassion for him but that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him.

You can feel compassion for him but that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him
I wish someone had said that to me 20 years ago - would have saved me staying in relationships because I felt sorry for people.

I wouldn't excuse his behaviour due to potential ND. My partner is more than likely ND & I do need to explain a few things to him, as he does to me (sensory overload etc). But he still wants to make our relationship work & for me to be happy, so he does things that aren't always natural or that comfortable for him. Because he loves me.
I think you need to have a Very honest conversation with him. Either he starts to put your needs much higher on his list of priorities, or the relationship is over. Atm though sorry OP but I think you will be better off without someone who isn't genuinely interested in you.

I'm autistic. I'm bloody hard work - apparently!

I don't mean to be; I don't intend to be but I can be because I do things in my way and don't do or say the things that, apparently, all neurotypical people know to say and do.

I copy them when I remember but it's a concious process and sometimes I forget.

I have got a bad bone in my body - as they say. I mean no harm or malice but I get stuff wrong at work and home all the time. I feel like I'm constantly turning corners and falling into a big pile of steaming shit that I didn't see coming. It's fucking hard work.

I'm with someone now who loves the 'unfathomable quirks'. Who is charmed and endeared by all the stuff I get 'wrong' etc but my whole.lifetime I've had relationship difficulties because I'm autistic.

Men have felt I didn't take enough care in appearance I've dressed in ways they found 'immature' or embarrassing. I can go 3 days without showering, dressing, sleeping in a bed or eating if I'm in the middle of a hyperfocus. I don't care for birthdays, gifts and cards (and struggle to remember that other people do). I've been accused of being ungrateful because I'm not suitably appreciative (I always say thank you but, apparently, somethings require more than that). I'm either not enough or I'm too much.

And I'm happy with me. I have no desire to change and whilst I can 'pass' as neurotypical if I try hard, I generally have no desire to and its all an act anyway.

Bottom line is, this is who he is. You don't have to accept it if he isn't making you happy whether you have a reason for it or not.

OP you're probably going to get crucified soon because no relationship problems on Mumsnet can be due to an adult with diagnosed autism or undiagnosed autism. The thinking is that autism cannot be a factor

That's not true.

People get annoyed when really shitty behaviour is attributed to possible undiagnosed autism because autism doesn't make you a wanker.

Except that having autism can sometimes mean you behave in ways that NT people percieve as being a wanker and that's fine.

I absolutely know that my autism is a factor. The only difference I suppose is intent.

Not actually a wanker. I'm lovely but sometimes people think I'm a wanker. And probably because I was.

I am autistic. There are wonderful things about me and difficult things about me. However I am me and the autistic thing is just a way to understand why I am like I am. It doesn’t cause me to be different, I can’t modify the behaviours anymore than I already do and with a partner I want to not have to try so hard to be “normal” all the time.

So if you are in a relationship with me (romantic or just friendly) and the behaviours that can be attributed to my ASD offend or annoy you then we have an issue. I’m not going to change so maybe I’m not the person for you.

I don’t know if your DPs annoying (to you) behaviours are due to ASD or not but you’ve raised them, he hasn’t changed them (either he can’t of he won’t) so you need to either accept them or move on.

If it’s not working for you then you need to split, he has proved that he won’t change. No-one is perfect, any man will have something that you don’t like but personally, I would not be able to get over the poor hygiene.

The poor hygiene would bother me, but the deal breaker for me would be never making plans to see me and not responding to my messages for days. I mean, it must feel as if you're not really in a relationship at all?

Autism might be a reason for some of his personality traits but it is not an EXCUSE for any shitty behaviour.

@NotaCoolMum

Autism might be a reason for some of his personality traits but it is not an EXCUSE for any shitty behaviour.

He hasn't displayed any shitty behaviour, has he? He doesnt wash as much as the op would like and he isnt as attentive as she would like. The obvious answer is for her to stop seeing him. He's not suddenly going to be cured of autism because she's bored of dealing with some of his less desirable traits.

Well… it is quite shitty not to respond to messages for days. A friend I would understand, a friend with benefits maybe, but a partner no way.

If you're not happy in this relationship - and you've described a number of issues which are clearly not great for you - ending it is entirely reasonable. In my experience, with family members and work colleagues with ASD it is a distinct possibilty. But whether it is that or not, is your relationship a partnership? Do you support each other? Do you feel happy and at ease when you're with him? If he doesn't change at all, is that what you want for a serious long term relationship. There's no shame in saying it's not.

Come on OP - does it really matter if it's autism or not?? Support him? Yeah, get ready for decades of doing that whilst you grow lonelier and unfulfilled.

Fffs - women are not meant to be support humans! You are meant to be his romantic partner!

His hygiene can often be poor, in that he smells musty as if his clothes have not been dried properly, and he has become overweight over lockdown

He must be a stallion in bed then because I don't know how you manage to have sex with someone like this.

Recently, he sees it appropriate to not read/respond to my messages for days on end. He also never makes plans to see me unless I ask

Not sure if he could make it any clearer - he doesn't need your company like you need his. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or he dislikes you. He just doesn't feel the need to spend time with you and might find the experience over-stimulating. He'd probably be like this with most women, especially when the initial excitement wears off.

Just before Xmas I became frustrated and left him and told him why. Immediately, he began to be attentive again, so we reunited. It's now Feb, and he is back to his old ways

Yes, because that's who he really is. His idea of a relationship is probably quite different to yours OP. That thing about his work being a big part of his identity? It's not quite what you think. It's not work that's his identity, it's his computer. In fact, he's also already in a relationship - it's with his computer. One you understand this, the way he thinks of you will make more sense.

Prior to our relationship, he has had a string of 2 year relationships that seem to all not progress beyond the 2 year dating mark (never lived with a woman, or taken a holiday with a woman either)

Ha! Not surprised. The reason why (most likely) is that is the point where the women got truly fed up with this, or wanted to progress things further and move in with him. As I said - he already lives with his main intimate other. He also might not want anyone intruding on his personal space or placing demands on him.

I speak from experience OP. Not the autism bit, but I recognise the traits and I got fed up of feeling like I did. I also realise it was not conducive to the type of family life I had envisioned.

I'm going to say that despite his possible autism, he can manage to be attentive and probably manages his hygiene better at the beginning, otherwise it would of been a non-starter.
So congratulations, the prize you have won appears to be joining the 2 year ex clan. Now you know exactly why it never lasts longer, I bet he reverts to this kind of behaviour all the time.But it is a choice he's making as he's quite capable to begin with. You could try spelling out to him just why he only gets as far as 2 years, but somehow I don't think this will be news to him, it's just the way he rolls unfortunately.

Sounds like he can only mask his difficulties for so long before they sabotage all of his relationships. You don't have to help him, you just have to decide if this is the life for you.

Or maybe he feels that he no longer has to put in the effort.