Coping strategies for NC mother

[Asiama]

I am NC with my mother. Or at least I am trying to be, because she keeps contacting me chatting shit as if nothing had happened. Messages telling me how her day is going, what she's gone out and bought - I guess normal stuff that you would write if you had a close relationship with your daughter. Except I never have, and have told her very clearly I want nothing to do with her, that I don't want to hear from her again and to leave me alone.

I have blocked her on everything except email, because she has a joint email account with my dad and I want him to be able to contact me to tell me she has died (which is a long way away as she's early 60s). I hate myself for saying it but it will be happy news for me when she's dead so I want to know.

I have contacted police in the past as she has turned up at my house to inspect it from the outside while she knew I was out, talked to the neighbours etc but police said even with 10+ years of what I feel is harassment, she isn't doing anything illegal. A letter from a solicitor won't work because she has just ignored it in the past. She's harassed other people too based on their sexuality, religion etc and despite knowing it's a hate crime she has said she would rather go to prison than stop.

So that's the background. There is nothing I can do to stop her, no threat that will deter her.

I feel really stressed seeing emails from my mother because she is violating my boundaries. Other than blocking her from email, which I don't want to do as she will just turn up in front of my door, does anyone have any suggestions around coping strategies?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

Try asking here

Can you divert the emails to a special folder and then ask a friend or partner to check a few times a year? Then you wouldn’t see them.

That said I don’t know if it’s worth continuing to allow 15 years or so of limited contact just to get an email to say she’s died. I am NC with my mum (though more she is NC with me 🙄). I don’t think anyone would tell me when she dies (her partner is the reason she doesn’t like me so he wouldn’t be in touch). I’d just google a few times a year for an obituary. That’s what I do with all the other family I don’t speak to.

Can you create a new email that only your father accesses and can use to contact you and block the other one?

Block the email. If your father needs to contact you, there are multiple ways he can contact you. If she turns up on your doorstep and/or attempts to gain entry into your home, you call the police.

Also, have you actually told her to fuck off at any point? The actual words? I did it with my mum and it was surprisingly effective.

Why can’t your father contact you by phone or set up a personal email ? He could write to you?
It’s easy. Block her on email. Don’t answer any attempts at contact. Ignore her.
Do you have any other relatives who could let you know ?

Do not be afraid to seek legal advice re your mother's continual harassment. I would test her assertion that she would rather go to prison than stop; employ all legal means you can against her.
You've already told her you do not want contact and she continues all the same regardless. She is trying to bully and otherwise coerce you into submission. She is counting on you not to do anything about this from her because you're that afraid of her. You would not have ever tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

Do block this joint email account today; your dad does not need that solely to contact you and your mother is using this as a way into your life now. If you really cannot do this then send all her emails to you to a spam folder.

Your dad is enabling her in all this against you and he seemingly has not and is not doing anything to rein in her excesses of behaviour here. He acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; he has also thrown you under the bus here to save his own skin.

Thank you everyone!

I do think about posting on the Stately Homes thread but feel like my situation isn't "bad enough". It was "just" emotional abuse and what other people might perceive to be actually the act of a loving mother (eg "she only tells you you look ugly so you have the chance to do something about it").

DH won't check her emails, he wants nothing to do with her and blocked her on email about 2 years ago. She knows this but continues to email him once a week, as he gets cc'd on all emails she sends to me.

I do have another email but my mother would find this, if for example I replied to their shared email address from my other account.

My father is not allowed to have his own email address or phone. I can't believe he puts up with it but his life would be so miserable if he stood up for himself.

I only know one other relative. My mother went NC with nearly everyone when I was little, and she's now gone NC with this relative too so I doubt they would know themselves.

@AttilaTheMeerkat wise words as usual, thank you. My mother really wouldn't have a problem going to prison. In fact it would make her feel good about herself. She thinks it would make her like Nelson Mandela, some kind of saint or martyr being unjustly persecuted for her noble actions.

Unfortunately, you cannot control what your Dad does or does not do, but you can stop your M from being able to contact you at all.

You can do a regular obituary search as a PP mentioned, and send a final email to your F telling him that you will be blocking the joint email address, but that he is welcome to pop round to yours at any time, provided he comes alone. Reiterate that if your M attempts to contact you, or comes to your house, you will be calling the police.

Your F knows where you live and he would be able to find you if/when your M dies. (But it could well be that he dies before your M )

Asiama

You would fit right into the "Stately Homes" thread and you would also get good counsel there too. Do consider it and at the very least read that thread if you have not already done so. Many people often start on there by thinking and or writing too that their own situation was not "bad enough". But your mother is abusive all the same and in addition she has a willing enabler to help her in the shape of your dad.
Women like this always need a willing enabler to help them.

Re your comment:-
"My father is not allowed to have his own email address or phone. I can't believe he puts up with it but his life would be so miserable if he stood up for himself"

I would not let him off the hook here. He gets what he wants out of this codependent dysfunctional relationship he has with your mother. He has not wanted to stand up for his own self and he is truly a weak bystander of a man. He would rather you as his daughter take her flak than him.

You may think that your mother would not have a problem with going to prison but she really does deep down; image is important to such disordered of thinking types.

Re your

Is it possible for you to contact one of your mother's relatives nowadays?.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either.

I have started trying to connect with one of my relatives. To be honest I'm finding it quite hard as due to distance it's only over the phone.

My father is definitely not off the hook. He let me suffer to save himself. I'm not sure I would have done much better as she really is horrific. He is completely ground down and brainwashed. But he could have done something about it when I was a child. He has said he will come to visit on his own but months later I am yet to see him. He is a retired man.

My mother has some health conditions but thinking it through further, my father will likely die first as he is 15 years older. There will be an expectation that of course I will look after her (despite being NC, me telling her I never want to see her again) and I have made it very clear I will never, ever, EVER look after her.

I’m sending you a very un-Mumsnetty hug. I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with this and I hope it all gets better, somehow.

Thank you @MeSanniesareBrannies, I needed that! Got another email from her today. I wish her internet would break!

You really do need to block her emails to you. There is no need to keep this going.

She will keep on emailing you and your dad does not need your current email address in order to contact you. He is on her side in any cashe and has been a bystander in her abuses of you.

Just block. Then she will be dead to you anyway.