relationship at rock bottom. Can counselling save us?

[needmarriageguidance]

am a regular but have name changed.

Me and dp are in real crisis in our relationship and can see no way of fixing it.

We are both so consumed with resentment that we cant discuss anything without it turning into a bitter, vicious row. Our sex life is non existant and we can barely even be civil to one another.

We have decided to split up, however, it all seems so daunting (having to sell the house, the financial implications and most importantly the affect on the kids) that I have suggested one last attempt involving relationship guidance.

dp is sceptical. Has anyone been at rock bottom and found counselling useful? I would really appreciate some feedback. How do we find a decent counseller? (sp?) Where do i start?

here is website for relate

have had counselling myself and was enormously helpful

good luck

thanks ruby. anyone else?

Can you pinpoint the last time you were both happy asnd united and then work out what changed this?

Be prepared to wait for an appointment though. We had an assessment session about 6 weeks ago, but were told there is a 6-8 week waiting list for regular sessions.
Sadly, that was too long for us and we've split up , although I think had we had the counselling earlier things might have been resolved because after the assessment session things became a lot clearer
Hopefully you will have better luck.

thanks all.

noddy. we have been together 6 years but i fell pregnant almost immediately, so there's never really been a 'honeymoon period' iykwim. dp is now saying that we've never been happy

Will contact relate tomorrow. 6-8 week waiting list sounds worrying though!

We've been in counselling. It helped a lot. It meant that we could talk without too much vitriol.

At first it felt like three steps back and one step forward because we had to work hard to get past the anger and foul way we'd been speaking to each other.

After a while (and it took about two months of weekly sessions), we began to identify our problems properly, establish boundaries of acceptable behaviour and be civil to each other.

It felt like it took ages and I guess it did. But we're still together. Ultimately, we wanted to be together and wanted to work at it - that in itself was hard to admit when sometimes I loathed DH.

I hope you work things out but you must give it time.

thanks winky, thats useful. did you use relate?

we say such revolting things to each other when we argue. there is no respect left at all atm, so its heartening to hear that there is a glimmer of hope.

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yes, dp's parents are going away for a couple of months so he has their house free. It's definately an option.

thats great lennygirl! god, feeling much better about things now. I really thought it wouldnt be possible to turn things around and although im not expecting miracles its good to hear some success stories!

We didn't use Relate, needmarriageguidance. We wanted to but the wait was too long.

We found another counsellor (private? Is that the right word?) who was probably more expensive but available. There are lots out there who describe themselves as marriage guidance professionals.

It was worth it. But hard work. It's painful stuff.

Oh and don't be afraid to establish what you're looking for from your counsellor and what he/she sees as their role in the sessions. Some act as sounding boards, others are more active, some just sit there like planks of wood. We changed ours twice for a more involved type of counsellor. Depends on what you need.

hmm, yes im concerned about getting the right one.

so, did you just randomly pick one from the yellow pages? How do i go about choosing a private counsellor if the relate waiting list is too long?

We just picked one from Yellow Pages. Talked to them on the 'phone about our situation and what we felt we needed and tried them out. We paid circa £35 per hour.

it so sad that there are so many of us going through this right now, my dh is at his mums has been for 2.5mths, you can see a relate counsellor earlier if you go through you GP i have and i'm going back for my 1st session in 2wks, dh and i have also said some horrible awful things the type of things that you think you will never ever get back to being friends or anything iykwim, i have asked him to come to relate and i really hope he does and maybe we can get past all the nastiness and see where things have gone wrong and maybe just maybe he can see us working out

i think what Relate can do is to help you both work out whether your relationship can be saved, and whether you really want to save it. I would definitely recommend it. We had awful rows and decided to go, and it has helped us communicate much better. Good luck.

hows it going nmg?

My dp decided he wanted to leave in October 07. There was another woman in the back ground. I persuaded him to go to Relate. It was very painful and indeed it made things worse after each session but we have learnt a lot about each other and how we relate to each pother. Communication was a big problem for us. Now it is improving.
We are now getting on much better; don't know what will happen long term but it has certainly helped. I didn't think we would make it to Xmas but we have just spent a really happy few weeks together.
Good luck. It is certainly worth a try.

Have not read threads. But - Relate will be revealing and maybe helpful. You need to watch carefully for what is actually going on in the sessions and not do all the talking. Refusal to even go to Relate has to be the end of the marriage in my view. Using the sessions constructively, and not in an accusatory fashion - could be the salvation.

Relate will allow airing and venting. They may make helpful comments. They will mostly not take sides - but whether male or female may be important dependant upon the major issues. They are only human and they are only trained up until a certain level.

fernfrost my dh has agreed to come to my relate session in a couple of weeks, have taken the day off to do so. Do you have experience of using relate, we have been separated for 2.5mths and he has started divorce proceedings, i'm so hoping that this will help us get on and hopefully he will realise what he is losing, its his second marriage and tbh i don't want to be another statistic