Toxic/narcissistic parents

[lovenotwar149]

Hi, anyone got any experience in handling toxic/narcissistic parents? I am 53 and have children who are all independent of me now. I was brought up in a highly domestically violent household. The impact for me was pretty bad at times growing up but ironically , through this amazing personal development journey I am on, things have drastically improved for me personally and with my husband and 3 adult sons. I have most definitely broken a cycle. My struggle is, my parents live very close and are old now, and although slowly but surely over the years I have stood up and strengthened my boundaries, I question my obligation/duty towards them now. Whilst the level of abuse (verbal/emotional) has declined towards me when I am in their company, it hasn't completely stopped. When they behave in this way, I make my excuses and leave their home. My father still behaves abusively towards other ppl in his house that I may happen to witness if I am there. I struggle with this as I start to feel very uncomfortable. I am now at a stage where when I visit, it is for a VERY limited time (half hr) or I dont visit for several wks. I do feel guilty about this as my parents 'expect' their children to visit them regularly. Any thoughts would be very appreciated. Thank you.

It's all about control and pushing buttons.

Just do what you can. Short visits. My mother is draining. Mood turns quickly. I make sure Im not all day there I do school hours. Op I find if she starts up I get my coat to go

I'm of the view that parents who treat their children badly have no right to expect anything when they are adults .
Keep everything exactly on your terms .

It's so difficult

I am virtually NC with my narc mother now
I send a card on certain dates and get passive aggressive messages back which I deflect but it doesn't get any easier

I feel for you

I sympathise you gave to visit on your terms as they can’t change only you can change how you deal with them. Mine are similar although only violent towards one child (not me) but I spent my childhood listening to everyone else being criticised , a kind word was rare very rare and if I said anything about it I got “how dare you suggest we did such a thing” followed by the silent treatment which is confusing when you are a child and just heard what they said. Step away and visit people who are kind to you x

We got silent treatment too. Not nice. Respect 2 way. She recently said duty to elderly. Lol. If they easy people. Its hard going. Im exhausted.

What do these people add to your life?
I've been NC for nearly 17 years from my toxic mother, there is nothing I miss or regret.
Bear in kind you would not tolerate these behaviours from a friend why endure it because your related?

I am 51 currently getting the silent treatment again it doesn’t change I don’t understand how someone can ignore a child for days and then not feel guilty and explain or apologise to them ( never got an apology or a hug )

Its about control with them. Not nice though as we know.

Stop visiting them.

Walk. Walk out, take a deep breath and don’t return. I did. I’m still struggling mentally in so many ways. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be better. Late 40s and what you said about the years of conditioning really resonated. I should have walked out at 18 and I didn’t. I saw how it was affecting my children and knew if I didn’t go no contact I’d be stuck in the nightmare forever.
I know it seems so damn easy to say but honestly I understand. My Dbr went low contact a few years ago and I was horrible at times. Guilt fear obligation make you behave ways you don’t like but it’s self protection. So please, for yourself walk or even run and don’t look back.

I am no contact with my elderly mother. I did not go to my father funerals and want nothing to do with my remaining relatives.

They are just people who I happen to be related to, that's it. Not one member of my family ever supported me when I was a child and in my teens (although there were clear sign that something was not right) and I had to go through emotional and physical abuse and neglect which had a really long term impact on my physical and mental health.

When I spoke out about the abuse as an adult it was ignored/minimised so as far as I am concerned I ''owe'' them nothing and i don't want any of them in my life.

Don't feel guilty for what you are feeling and don't pressure yourself to spend time with them. Also make sure that you don't end up having to be their main carer.

Narcissistic/toxic people never change because they are unable to self-reflect and/or to accept that might have done something wrong. The only way to deal with them is to limit or cut contact.

Thank you so much for replies, I have read and re read them all. Re Whitehorsegirl about not going to your dad's funeral. I have visualised not going to my dads and in fact not having contact with my sibs too in time...I know its a possibility/likelyhood. I have found myself gaslighting myself tonight with thoughts in my head....'did I over react etc to the grey hair comment ' etc etc....I know know....I have had therapy etc and I know I'm gaslighting myself and I know why etc I'm good I'm good. I probably am heading to no contact moreso anyway/definitely less and shorter visits. Tricky thing is that I live the closest to them and they are 82 and 87 now, so there will be pressure. I will handle it with KNOWING that I dont OWE them anything and whenever any 'abuse' is thrown towards me...off I GO STRAIGHT OUT THE DOOR. I have had the courage to do this now on more than one occasion. They can't/won't change I know that...but man I still get caught off guard when the meanness just comes out of no where. I know it will keep coming. Thank you again guys!