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Relationships

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Original poster

Stuck in the middle

21 replies

Sueexpress · 04/02/2022 08:15

I have a dilemma that I'm really not sure of how to deal with and need advice.
I have a female friend who is recently single about 12 months ago and now looking to date again, she has a baby of 3 years old. She he extremely attractive, intelligent and always has men after her. A classic femme fatale if you may. I also have a male friend who is married with 2 lovely young kids, really nice fella. He has always had a big crush on the lady in question, as have most men, He is happily married. The first flag was that the lady friend asked me a few questions over the phone regarding the male friend, asking if he was a decent guy, they have previously met on a few occasions, but she doesn't know him anywhere as well as me, seemed like she was sounding me out regarding him. A week or so later I went for drinks with my lady friend and 6 others. She mentioned the male friend in conversation a couple of times, it was clear that she has interest. The smile alone displayed this.
From what another friend has told me they have been locked in a social media chats most nights over the past fortnight.
Before things escalate do I get involved and have a word with either party? I introduced them as such in social circles a few years back,so feel kind of responsible.
The female friend I'm sure would not take me talking to her about it that well,She always tends to get her way.
The male friend would be more approachable and open to discussion but I fear he maybe already under her spell.
If they do start an affair, which it seems fairly likely I feel I would be extremely angry with my lady friend, she can have pretty much any man she wants but seems to want to choose a married friend of mine. His weakness is the lady in question for sure, I sense he can't say no to her, she is levels above looks wise to his very nice wife.

Do I just leave them to it? Or do I step in a have a chat with either party before things get silly? The two kids are awesome, I can see this fling ruining a good marriage, and impacting their childhood.
Please help!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 04/02/2022 08:17

I think I would speak to my male friend and ask him what he thought he would lose by having an affair. It's a really really horrible thing to witness isn't it?

GeneLovesJezebel · 04/02/2022 08:19

I agree with speaking to the male friend, but be prepared to lose the friendship as he might not like you interfering.

AdamRyan · 04/02/2022 08:22

Yeah, I'd talk to him. He's the one with everything to lose here.
If there's things you know about female friend (I.e. she has short term relationships and moves on, she easily gets infatuated etc) you could gently bring that up and say you are worried he'll blow his life up for nothing. But you can't stop anything developing between them, he's an adult, it's his choice.

bongobingo43 · 04/02/2022 08:34

I agree that you should speak to your male friend, and try & open his eyes to what he has to lose.

Your female friend is completely out of order but there's almost a tone to your post that you feel your male friend is some innocent victim in this and is not playing any role in it at all.

Your female friend is single. It's your male friend that committed to his vows and who should be the one prioritising his relationship.

"Really nice fella"??
"Happily married" ??

He's not behaving like either of these things but you seem to be protective of him and blaming your female friend.

He's a grown man who knows exactly what he's doing

Original poster

Sueexpress · 04/02/2022 08:46

@AdamRyan

Yeah, I'd talk to him. He's the one with everything to lose here. If there's things you know about female friend (I.e. she has short term relationships and moves on, she easily gets infatuated etc) you could gently bring that up and say you are worried he'll blow his life up for nothing. But you can't stop anything developing between them, he's an adult, it's his choice.

She definitely has a cold and calculating side to her. But she is super popular and also has been a good friend to me. That was my thoughts regarding i feel she would get bored and move on quickly and then leave a mess behind for him to deal with. He is as much to blame but i don't think he knows her true character.

Sounds like i'm painting her as a monster, She really isn't but when she sees something she wants, she gets it.

OP posts:

AdamRyan · 04/02/2022 08:50

Sounds like i'm painting her as a monster, She really isn't but when she sees something she wants, she gets it.
I don't think she's a monster, I think the risks for her are much lower than for him. And you sound like your conscience won't let you ignore what you can see happening. So speak to him, say exactly what you said and then you've done all you can.
You could also say to her that you are concerned but it doesn't sound like that would have an impact- she already knows he has a wife and kids and its not stopped her.

Original poster

Sueexpress · 04/02/2022 08:51

@bongobingo43

I agree that you should speak to your male friend, and try & open his eyes to what he has to lose.

Your female friend is completely out of order but there's almost a tone to your post that you feel your male friend is some innocent victim in this and is not playing any role in it at all.

Your female friend is single. It's your male friend that committed to his vows and who should be the one prioritising his relationship.

"Really nice fella"??
"Happily married" ??

He's not behaving like either of these things but you seem to be protective of him and blaming your female friend.

He's a grown man who knows exactly what he's doing

Fully accept he is as much to blame. He is currently thinking with his dick rather than his head though.

I agree she is completely out order, my first thoughts are to contact her and tell her to leave him alone, She will know she is in the wrong. May cause issues within our social group though. She will definitely not take a challenge from me well, She always gets her way.

People can be so horrible and single minded.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sueexpress · 04/02/2022 08:57

@AdamRyan

Sounds like i'm painting her as a monster, She really isn't but when she sees something she wants, she gets it. I don't think she's a monster, I think the risks for her are much lower than for him. And you sound like your conscience won't let you ignore what you can see happening. So speak to him, say exactly what you said and then you've done all you can. You could also say to her that you are concerned but it doesn't sound like that would have an impact- she already knows he has a wife and kids and its not stopped her.

Fair comment thanks, Stupid thing is this has kept me awake the past few nights, I'm a good person and feel friendships and relationships are important. I was thinking of just sending her a txt saying 'i hope your not going to get my married friend into any trouble' or something similar.

Head is in a spin!

OP posts:

altmember · 04/02/2022 10:04

Speak to the bloke, but keep the tone of the conversation light. Make a joke about how its obvious this woman appears to fancy him, and everyone has noticed. Expect that'll be enough to give him a reality check when he realises that the whole group of friends can see what's going on.

Beyond that, it's really not your problem, and perhaps you should just trust this bloke a bit more that he's not going to cheat on his wife?

Buildingthefuture · 04/02/2022 10:15

They both sound incredibly selfish and stupid. Tell him to not be such a Twat and to start thinking with his big head rather than his little one and tell her to dig deep, find some morals and a single man! The fact that they will both know that their behaviour has been noticed should be enough to put a stop to it. If it’s not, then they deserve each other….are you friends with his wife? Because if it continues, someone ought to tell HER….

bjrce · 04/02/2022 10:44

What ever you do, don't text her - she will have plenty of time to think - tell you you're crazy - mind your own business etc.

Say it straight to her face " I am onto you! Don't wreak people lives, he's married, a family will get destroyed" because of your selfish actions!"
Once you've said you're piece - that's all you can do! she'll know she's in the wrong, and be prepared for her to act badly.

With the male friend - tel him to cope the fuck on!, you know what's going on, (don't give specifics), tell him he is risking everything for a cheap affair - leave it at that - they'll both be pissed off at you, to be honest you will have said you're piece and really op. after that there's nothing more you can do!

It's not in your control! It's not your fault if they decide to behave like dogs in heat!

Original poster

Sueexpress · 04/02/2022 10:49

@Buildingthefuture

The wife I don't know very well, I here she is a good mum. Outside of that don't know her to approach. And wouldn't feel comfortable doing so.

OP posts:

MMadness · 04/02/2022 10:49

Everytime she brings him up, mention the wife.

Original poster

Sueexpress · 04/02/2022 11:00

Lots of different answers on here, thanks to all that have taken the time to reply.

I think the face to face confrontation with her would end very badly, I'm one of the older ones in our social group, Don't want to sound big headed but when i talk people do listen and I can be quite cutting. Can't see her reacting well to that on a 1 to 1.

I'm due to meet the male friend soon for some business, I think i will subtly drop something in the conversation about her and see how he reacts, Then go from there. I'm imagine he will completely deny anything is going on, But will have to see.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sueexpress · 04/02/2022 11:11

@MMadness

Everytime she brings him up, mention the wife.

I like it!

Problem is we are not due to see each other again for a few weeks.

I have to ring her today about some other stuff, So tempted to say WTF are you doing on the phone though.

OP posts:

Jk987 · 04/02/2022 11:15

It's not your fault or responsibility just because you introduced them in a friendship setting a few years ago.

HalfGoddessHalfHell · 04/02/2022 11:48

Wouldn't leave it a few weeks to speak to him, ring him. You need to approach her today, even on the phone. Whole thing needs nipping in the bud pronto. A quiet word in his ear "what does your wife think?" or are you aware so many know what is going on, won't be long until it gets back to your wife" - etc etc

I'm concerned you are more bothered about how involving yourself impacts on you and the image others have of you.

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 11:54

I'd ask him what the actual fuck he is playing at and how does he think his wife will feel when she finds out what he's up to

Nice guy indeed. 🙄 That's the tired old 'lovely man taken against his will by evil temptress it's not his fault he could not help himself' bollocks

Onthedunes · 04/02/2022 12:48

I personally don't think either will listen to you, if they have already been locked in social media chats at night, for weeks.

They are already having an emotional affair.

The only thing that would halt this is for the wife to find out.

AllGoodPoints · 04/02/2022 13:34

One of them must be telling a friend about them being locked in social media chats. Assuming it is her telling people, tell him that she is joking about him to her friends and she’s making him look like an idiot.

Dontbeme · 04/02/2022 14:06

To male friend: "Is female friend really worth losing your wife, kids and house for? She is telling people about what you two are at, so if I've heard about it it's only a matter of time until your wife does so grow the fuck up"

Are you sure you want to keep these friends OP, she doesn't seem particularly nice and he's a moron thinking with his lower appendage.

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