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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be concerned?

19 replies

itzybitzy · 04/02/2022 07:24

Me and dp have been together 10 years. We were really happy until we had our kids and the last few years we've become more like friends.
Love him dearly but I think we are both guilty of not putting the effort in.
I've never suspected anything before as dp doesn't have the time for an affair as he works long hours.
A few nights ago we were discussing contacting someone we hadn't spoken to for a while and he clicked on his Facebook messenger. When he clicked the search bar, the top recommended person was a woman who's name I didn't recognise. He knew I saw it as we were both looking. He didn't seem to be phased by it and l didn't mention it.
I had a look at my own messenger and my top recommendations are friends who I speak to regularly.
I searched this woman's name and they are friends on Facebook. They do have mutual friends so she could just be a friend from his younger days.
I guess my question is does this mean she is someone he is taking to regularly? Should I be concerned? Do I just come out and ask him about her?
I did have a snoop when he wasn't around and there are no messages from her but he could have deleted them.
I've never had to feel like this with him and now I feel that it is niggling away at me.

OP posts:

AlDanvers · 04/02/2022 07:28

Just tried it. My top recommendation is a roofer I spoke to 2 years ago. Above that are a 2 rows of profile pictures. Most of who I haven't spoken to on messenger or haven't done for a while.

But they are all on my friends list.

I think if you are both unhappy, that should be your primary concern and work with him to see how you move forward.

redambergreengo · 04/02/2022 07:29

I think now is a good time to reassess your relationship, maybe put more effort in with each other and I'd forget about her. If you love him and want it to work start dating again. It's such a strain with young DC and so easy to lose sight of things. If you want to grow old together set the spark alight again.

QueenCoconut · 04/02/2022 10:13

Hi OP
I’ve just tried it on my messenger and my top recommendation is a bloke I’ve never spoken to. He’s not on my friends list either.
I then tried it again and the list changed , now my mum is the top recommended search, I speak to her regularly.
It appears to be random?

Sonaftersonafterson · 04/02/2022 12:05

It will niggle you. Honestly after 10 years , just ask him do you chat to any women on messenger? Literally that. His response will be telling.i doubt it's anything suspect to be honest though. Weird algorithms on FB.

TheFoundation · 04/02/2022 12:19

If you have a niggle, talk to him about it before it becomes a... biggle.

You need his reassurance; what stopped you asking him and made you think that asking MN would be a better plan? Do you think he'll lie? Be defensive?

The fact that you don't trust him is the real issue. It's only taken a tiny thing to trigger this, so there must be more beneath the surface?

whereismyhappyplace · 04/02/2022 12:58

There's people in my list that I've never ever messaged, there's a lady there that I've heard of but don't actually know and she's not in my friends list, I think as PP have said it's pretty randomly generated.

Bookworm20 · 04/02/2022 13:38

Just tried mine and my top one is my sister, who I can't remember ever messaging on messenger, but under that are 3 people I've never spoken to that i know of and one person I bought something off on facebook about a year ago. I think it must be random

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 04/02/2022 13:48

@AlDanvers

Just tried it. My top recommendation is a roofer I spoke to 2 years ago. Above that are a 2 rows of profile pictures. Most of who I haven't spoken to on messenger or haven't done for a while.

But they are all on my friends list.

I think if you are both unhappy, that should be your primary concern and work with him to see how you move forward.

Sit down and speak to him about the situation of being more like friends. Don't bring up the other thing, it doesn't matter until after you've had this conversation. You are both adults so I'm sure you can both sit down and speak honestly and openly about this.

simplelife100 · 04/02/2022 21:09

The names and little profile pics at the top of messenger are your friend that are online at the same time as your in messenger

neverornow · 04/02/2022 21:28

I just tried it as well and my top 3 were people that I have never messaged or had much interaction with on FB in general.

Might give you a bit of a kick up the bum to get things back on track though!

SallyWD · 04/02/2022 21:28

I've just tried it. The top person is someone who's actually deceased and I last messaged in 2017! Many of the other people in the list are people I've never messaged. I think it's nothing to worry about!

DinaofCloud9 · 04/02/2022 21:46

Mine is a strictly dancer who I've never interacted with at all. He is on my friends list but that's all.

Eleganz · 04/02/2022 22:06

My top two are a school friend who have haven't spoken to in 5 years and the vicar at my wedding (now divorced) who moved away ages ago. Never sent either one a message on messenger.

So, the messenger thing is a red herring. You need to have a chat about how you are feeling about the relationship and agree what needs to change.

LittleKitten1 · 04/02/2022 22:49

Just tried it and the first one is someone I know but don't remember having messaged any time soon. Or looked for.

Norwolf · 04/02/2022 23:27

You do sound unsure and insecure. Don’t ruin a good relationship based on nothing concrete. Seek help for yourself, otherwise u’ll end up making everyone miserable, for absolutely no reason.

Norwolf · 04/02/2022 23:28

If the spark isn’t there anymore, either work on it or walk away on level ground and amicably

2catsandhappy · 05/02/2022 18:45

How did it make you feel? As in, hoping he was messaging someone and that might mean you could end your marriage or did you feel you wanted to fight for your marriage? Were you feeling protective of your marriage? Dh? Worried you might lose him?
Maybe this is a kickstart to something.

litterbird · 05/02/2022 18:50

Just tried it myself and its someone on my Facebook as a friend but haven't messaged him for about 3 years. Use this revelation to really look at your relationship. Something isn't sitting right and your senses are spiking. Perhaps you sub consciously want out and are looking for a reason to leave.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2022 18:51

If you're having doubts about your relationship, you need to talk to him.

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