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Relationships

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Original poster

Unequal earnings....how do you split costs?

40 replies

ItsTooGoodYouKnow · 03/02/2022 23:04

I earn £40k and my partner earns £120k. We've recently moved in together and pretty much everything is split 50/50. We have a long list of renovation to dos for our house and going ahead with all of this will be quite a financial strain for me.

I've talked this over with my partner and he's suggested he pays more than me for renovations. I'm just not sure what the right thing is to do? I don't want to be broke....but it feels wrong not to pay my way.

How do you deal with unequal salaries?

OP posts:

FitAt50 · 04/02/2022 07:44

@Pinkbonbon

Seriously though op, raise your bar.

Tbh if I was a man that earned 120k a year, I'd I'd ashamed to ask for same contribution to things from my much lower earning partner. I mean, hasn't hasn't any pride as a man? Or even as a person for that matter?

No one should be asking you to pay more than the same percentage of your individual income as he does his, to anything. And less if it means ensuring that you are able to keep enough back to protect yourself should you ever need it.

Does he disrespect you in other ways?

What a sexist comment, its not the 1950s. He has also suggested he pays more but the OP has said SHE feels wrong not to pay her way.

Fleur405 · 04/02/2022 07:50

I initially felt the same as you in that anything other than 50:50 made me feel uncomfortable. However my OH made the point that then we are both constrained to a standard of living that matches 2x my salary and he is left with lots of disposable income. In the end we’re a household and while we still have separate finances, we both contribute what we can afford to our household. Initially we agreed that it would be in proportion to our incomes so in your case that would be you paying one third of overall costs - though we’re not so rigorous about how we divide things and he probably he probably contributes slightly more (but then I’ve had two lots of maternity leave).

Fleur405 · 04/02/2022 07:51

Sorry your share would be 25% wouldn’t it. Bit early for mental arithmetic for me!

Pinkbonbon · 04/02/2022 07:56

Yes she said it was her feeling AFTER my comment. I'm not psychic.

But so what if he has suggested he pays more? The point I am making is that it should not be a suggestion, it should be something he just knows to do and tells her he is going to do. Framing it as a suggestion - is deliberately designed to make op feel as if he is doing her some sort of kind favour.

It's not a favour. It's something that he should be doing.

grumpytoddler1 · 04/02/2022 08:12

We have a joint account for bills, and we worked out an amount to pay into it, plus an amount to pay into the joint savings account, that left us both with the same amount of disposal income each month to spend on ourselves. We didn't always do it like that but switched to this system after we had been together a long time.

LilyWater · 04/02/2022 09:16

@Pinkbonbon

Yes she said it was her feeling AFTER my comment. I'm not psychic.

It's not a favour. It's something that he should be doing.

100% agree @Pinkbonbon

I find the OP's post really shocking tbh. No way I'd be with any man earning such a hugely higher salary who was fine with me paying half and half and didn't automaticallyassume he'd pay significantly more which is the blatantly fair thing. He's ripping the OP off!

@ItsTooGoodYouKnow this unequal money distribution is money that you need to be saving for yourself or your children. You're in an uncommitted relationship so don't assume it will last.

Unless there's more to the story about the background to this relationship, seems like very selfish behavior to me on his part. Doesn't sound like he respects the OP or sees them as going on to commit to each other and get married. He's happy to benefit hugely from this financial inequality.

If the shoe was on the other foot, no way I would expect a husband to be contributing anything close to the same amount I was when I'm earning 6 figures and they're on only 40k. Scary what some women put up with

RoyKentsChestHair · 04/02/2022 09:20

You need to work it out based on your take home incomes after tax etc not gross salary. Those saying 2/3 v 1/3 are missing the point that take home won’t necessarily reflect that. Of course if he’s paying a lot into a pension or has a large child maintenance bill then you could adjust for that too.

Leftbutcameback · 04/02/2022 09:21

We’re not married, no kids, and we’ve always agree a split towards the joint account (for bills and mortgage) based on income. But ours have never been so far apart as yours are. That’s a tough one. When it came to the new kitchen et. we agreed a split too, but not far off 50/50. My OH now earns a lot more than me, and there’s not much chance of mine increasing much, so in future we will have to think more about how to do it as he would have money for refurbs and I wouldn’t.

Heytheredemons · 04/02/2022 09:46

My husband and I are in a similar boat. We split it as a % of our total after-tax household income, so in my situation, I pay 1/3rd of household costs, and he pays 2/3rds.

burnoutbabe · 04/02/2022 09:58

The House? i'd say 50/50 if thats how you own the house.

Everything else, depends - we do 50/50 as we are 2 independent people. But we match what we spend to the lower earner.

And i own the house so he pays nothing towards the house/repairs/additions but just a share of the bils.

burnoutbabe · 04/02/2022 10:00

Of course one other option is that you document the kitchen spend somewhere - He has paid £10k

And then IF you split, you both agree he gets 10k more back (or some % of rise in equity).

As then you are not ripping him off as such, you are acknowleging his contribution.

Teeturtle · 04/02/2022 10:12

@ItsTooGoodYouKnow

We own the house 50/50 and each have children from a previous relationship. We've been together for 5 years. Yes absolutely we should have thought more about unequal salaries and discussed what may crop up from that. It's really just become a reality now. Sharing costs wasn't an issue while living apart and I was used to it that way. He is happy to pay more but I'm uncomfortable with it as it doesn't feel fair. Maybe something I have to get my head around. It's useful to hear how others work it.

So it doesn’t feel fair to you. What do you want people to say then?

If you are that worried it isn’t fair then pay 50:50 or get a better paid job.

I don’t get why you are asking about something that he has already offered a solution to. Is it just an excuse to post about your £160k join income? 🙄

mindutopia · 04/02/2022 11:15

We pay proportionate to our incomes, Dh makes slightly more than I do. That is fair, as it’s not fair that one person struggles to pay a greater share of their much lower income while the other has plenty of spare cash and pays relatively little towards joint costs.

layladomino · 04/02/2022 12:22

We put both our income in one account. Bills all get paid from there. We pay ourselves 'spending money' (equal amounts). I earn a bit less than DH.

Previous marriage I earned more than DH and had similar arrangement.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 04/02/2022 12:27

If there are children from previous relationships is your income net of CM payments? How much CM is he paying on a £120k salary?

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